


Not So Softly into the Night

by t8rd1sg1rl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Fingering, Aphrodisiacs, Bottom Poe Dameron, Butt Plugs, Drugged Sex, Dubious Consent, Eventual Poe Dameron/Finn, Fisting, Forced Orgasm, M/M, Misunderstandings, Object Insertion, Obsession, Pining, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sleep Groping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:53:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 55,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23704921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t8rd1sg1rl/pseuds/t8rd1sg1rl
Summary: Poe thought it was Finn every night....it wasn't.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Poe Dameron/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 57
Kudos: 125





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I'm stuck with a story. I get grouchy, bummed about writing and later, mean to Poe. (shrugging)

The sweet scent wafted around his head from a flower Poe found on his pillow. Finn, sweet yet silly Finn left the ball shaped blossom on his pillow. So this was what Finn meant when he said he wanted to drop off a surprise in his quarters.

Poe chuckled as he twirled the orange and white plant. It was a densely packed floral with rows of tiny petals that reminded him of a sugared puff. A few of its tiny petals escaped and fluttered by his feet. It was trimmed close to the head, which was a shame because he has the silly notion to put it in a bowl of water. He wondered where Finn got the flower. Maybe in one of the missions Finn started venturing out on? Poe wished he was with the handsome ex-Stormtrooper out there, fighting alongside with him back to back, but Finn was training and he needed the guidance of a Ground commander, not a flyboy.

"Too bad," Poe mused out loud as he undressed with one hand, holding the flower in the other. Probably a farewell gift because Finn was on another short overnight training excursion. Poe saw Finn off last night with a wild dinner get-together Snap threw to also welcome the group of recruits who arrived last month. They finished Basic and celebrated with everybody. Everybody, including Poe even though he barely saw any of them when they first arrived. But that new Y-wing mech Bal insisted he owed Poe a drink or two, come on, commander, have another on me, for some battle Poe won in space over Bal's childhood home planet, wherever that was. 

Poe yawned, getting another whiff of something thick, something sweet from the flower. He set it aside, idly watching it roll onto his pillow and thought that was a good idea. Dinner was strange without Finn sitting close, without his firm thigh pressing close yet looking so guileless, Poe knew Finn wasn't trying to flirt with him (he wish he would, though) Still, it was nice to have Finn sitting close, his voice warm by his ear every time he wanted to share a comment with Poe and only Poe. 

The new recruits were all right and Poe was obligated to be a good commander and make them feel welcomed. He sat with them tonight, acutely aware of the Finn-shaped space next to him. He ate mechanically, smiling idly when Bal made jokes. He secretly thought Finn was funnier, his laugh nicer to hear, but Bal was friendly enough. He was as big as Finn, but pale as moon dust and talked way too loud even when he sat across Poe and Snap. 

The other recruits seemed intimidated by Bal's size. He was only slightly taller than him and Finn, but he was broader than Snap, with limbs as thick as a Wookie. He acted like a giant despite the lack of height. And Bal drank. Force, the mech drank tankard after tankard, coaxed others to do the same, constantly bringing Poe another drink. Even Snap had to call it quits after the third round. Poe bid Bal and the others good night. He staggered back to his quarters leaning on an unsteady Snap, snickering and giggling when they both tried to bid each other good night but ended up sounding alien.

He couldn't help but think it would have been better if Finn was there, too. He wondered if he could tell Finn how much he missed him without it sounding too weird or too, well pathetic. Force, Dameron, get it together before you scare the poor guy off to another system. 

Poe yawned again, bemused by his wandering thoughts. He kicked off his boots and wiggled out of his flightsuit. He watched the orange material pool by his feet, but oddly could not find the energy to pick it up. He gave his discarded clothes a bleary glare. 

"No more Tekan ale for you, Dameron." Poe blinked again when he heard his slur. "Definitely no more ale."

Another yawn and Poe decided to skip the refresher and sank into his bed in his tank and under shorts instead. He curled on his side and smiled drowsily at the flower that tumbled back to his face. That Finn. Really? A flower? He'll tease Finn when Finn returns. When Finn gets back, he'll…he'll…

The flower smelled sweet despite how long ago Finn must have plucked it. Poe thought about Finn's dark hand against the little ball of petals, blunt fingers plucking the plant delicately off its stalk.

Blunt fingers caressing the flower. Blunt fingers caressing Poe's cheek.

The flower seemed to burst out another cloud of heady perfume into Poe's face, swirling dense and seeping into his bones. Warm, liquidly, thick, like Finn's finger curling to pull up Poe's tank under his arms, big fingers tugging down the elastic of his shorts, a blunt coarse finger stroking the length of his lax cock.

"Oh," Poe moaned, imagining Finn's hand trailing a finger down his dick. He rolled back his shoulders but the wall he must be against was unmoving and even felt like it nudged back. 

The flower crushed under Poe's right cheek when his head lolled on the pillow, that ghostly touch teasing his cock. Then the touch expanded and wrapped loosely around him. It was almost like whenever he jerk himself off, but it wasn't his hand, it was Finn's.

"Finn?" Poe moaned. "You're ear—uhn…" Poe gasped as a hard body pressed closer, chest heaving against his back. Nips on his nape sent charges down Poe's body.

Poe's cock stirred, filling and feeling incredibly tight as Poe sleepily rocked into the mattress. He distantly thought he was cold, where's his blanket, maybe he should put on some sleep clothes, or tell BB8 to—no, his droid was with Rey and Skywalker on yet another Jedi quest.

Sweet, almost rotting, perfume went pungent each time Poe took a breath. The blossom, crushed by Poe's head, left smears of sticky sap that dribbled down to Poe's lips. Fire ignited on contact, like a kiss, like the kiss he imagined on his nape, nibbling hot and moist down the slope of his neck.

_'So good,'_ Finn breathed. Finn's hand curled tighter around Poe's dick. _'Wanted to touch you like this for so long.'_

"Uhn…" Poe panted, shuddering on his side, wishing he could roll onto his stomach so he could grind into the mattress to see if Finn was real or he was rutting back against the wall like he was still drowning in puberty. But he couldn't move, immobilized either by a real arm around his middle or pure lust that seemed to flood his limbs, fueled by far too much ale and longing.

"Fin—" The wall against Poe's back seemed to pulse, nudging and pressing against his spine and buttocks. He imagined Finn's hand on his balls, fingers roughly rolling them and pinching the thin skin covering them. It hurt. It didn't. It was Finn's hand. No, it wasn't really there, was it?

"Finn?" Poe moaned, hopeful.

_'Shh…'_ Finn's hand felt so real, so large and unforgiving on his cock. _'Just relax. Just let me. You're so beautiful…'_

Poe cried out softly as he ground his aching erection into the—mattress? Finn's hand? It somehow felt like it was grinding back, curled around his dick. 

The presence against Poe melted over Poe's back, vibrated as he writhed. His cock was erect now, weeping precum at the tip, Finn's hand now a solid hot grip around his sacs.

Poe stayed curled on his side, his head rocking into his pillow that now reeked of the flower, the flower Finn gave him, taken and carried by Finn's large hand, a large hand now curled around his cock, jerking Poe off in a ruthless pace.

"Uhn, Fi—ah…" Poe moaned. A solid presence hugged him still, keeping him curled fetal on the bed, pushing each time Poe tried to rock back, warping to brace against Poe's crack, worming something large and rough to rub briskly against Poe's hole.

Poe keened at the new sensation, firm and determined—Finn's hand, please, yes—now rubbing at his entrance. He thought of Finn's fingers there, thumb pressing into the puckered ring. His legs twitched, closing tighter, knees tucking to his chest without him thinking about it, exposing his hole to the cool air. He rolled his hips back, panting as he tried to regain the friction on his entrance.

The flower was completely gone now, bits of orange and white stuck on Poe's face, its sap glued Poe's right eye shut. The blossom was gone, but the scent billowed, taking over until it was all Poe could breathe in. And he did, over and over, gasping as he first humped the bed and then the presence behind him, imagining Finn's hand gripping his cock so rough, Finn's hand kneading his ass cheeks so bruising.

The solid form against Poe throbbed, like it was losing its shape under the wake of Poe's desperation. Firm, strong pressure eased from Poe's spine, shrinking down to press against Poe's hole. A nudge. And another.

Poe flinched. Something vaguely hurt. Something was against his hole, stretching, inching, unable to come in, but he wanted it to, but oh, it was big. His body instinctively clenched at the insistent pressure of something far too big for his asshole to accept. Poe rocked back against the hard press digging into the rim of his hole, his buttocks quivering as pressure increased and his hole oddly spasm.

"Ah…Wha…" Poe flailed but he couldn't roll onto his stomach for some reason. He couldn't unfurl from his fetal position yet he was able to grind against the mattress's vice like grip on his balls.

"Finn?" Poe sputtered, unsure. His head spun. He thought he heard Finn reply. He thought he felt Finn crush him into the thin mattress. Under Poe, the cot creaked and groaned as if there was truly two people on it.

"F-fi—Uhn, wait…feel weird…Fi…Fi…?"

_'Shhh…'_ A hand landed on Poe's hair, the weight pushing Poe's face to the pillow. Poe gulped sweetly laced air that felt too thick to breathe in. His blood sang.

"Uhn…Oh…" Poe gasped softly as he mouthed the pillow smothering him. 

Pressure returned to Poe's hole, so big and so insistent, tugging at the rim, forcing the muscle to stretch and burn to open a bit more.

Poe cried out, confused, turned on yet not, leaden limbs yet they jerked like electricity coursed through his body and pooled boiling hot in his groin. 

"Ah," Poe gasped. "W-wait…Fi—hurts…n-no…"

A sigh tickled Poe's ear.

Another nudge, this one duller, but no less demanding and sank into Poe's hole. Smaller. Thank gods. A fingertip. A thick finger shallowly probing Poe. Finn's finger.

"Oh, oh, oh," Poe moaned, his ass rolling back into the sensation of something huge inching into his body. It stretched his hole, left him feeling hot and cold, moving strangely and big in his body.

The presence felt odd, didn't belong, harshly feeling around his insides in a way that left Poe feeling exposed and vulnerable. But it also felt good, so very good, rocking into him in sync with pulsing waves of the sweet unctuous scent from his soaked pillow.

Poe couldn't understand why he folded tighter and tighter into himself, his knees knocking into his chin so hard he bit his lower lip, his lower back straining as he curled in. But his contortion pinned his cock between his stomach and thighs, giving him friction as the pressure slipped up into his body again, rough and ill fitting, catching at the dry insides of his rectum.

The strain grew on Poe's lower back yet his limbs refused to unfold. The weight on his back seemed to hug him to the mattress, Finn crushing him as his fingers groped him inside and out.

It started to burn as well. Poe whimpered as that unfamiliar sensation moving through his ass tugged and poked, leaving him feeling sore and swollen inside. When that pressure left, exiting his body, Poe felt like he was reshaped into something aching and loose, bad but also wonderfully used.

A faint brush of phantom lips on a tear trail under Poe's left eye. Poe's eyes fluttered open. When did he close them? What happened to the lights?

_'Next time,'_ Finn whispered like far away thunder. _'You're not ready for me yet.'_

But he was, Poe wanted to say. He was ready for Finn's hand on him, in him, around him. He was ready to turn around, kiss Finn, because yes, he wanted to kiss Finn and he wanted Finn to kiss him back. He wanted Finn's mouth against him. He wanted Finn's hand on his cock. 

Poe rocked, trembled in his tightly wound position, grinding his cock in the constricting friction his thighs and belly created. A breath caught. His? Finn? Was Finn even here? Wait, wasn't he coming back tomorrow?

The pillow under Poe's face was suddenly wrapped around his head, blocking out the air, his atmosphere now nothing but that sweet scent of Finn's flower. Heat rushed down to his tailbone, his head spun too fast to figure out which way was up.

"Uh…" Poe lost track of what he was trying to say. Saliva collected under his mouth as he fought to pull his face away. He can't breathe. Finn…help, he can't…

Poe heard himself panting, louder and louder, as he writhed, twisting, wheezing from the lack of air but also trying to rut his hard cock into the confines of his own limbs, faster and faster until…

"Uhn…" The pillow was gone. Poe smashed his face into the mattress, choking as he cum. His limbs twitched, jerking straight as hands yanked him to lay flat. It was an odd position. Poe wanted to curl back into himself, wrap a hand around his cock and cum over his fist, pretending it was Finn's.

Instead, Poe lay supine on the bed, his briefs tangled around his left ankle, his tank bunched uncomfortably under his arms. He cum, back arching off the mattress, his cock bobbing frantically in the air as he moaned, feverish and freezing all at the same time. He cum, imagining it was Finn's hand on him, milking him dry before smearing the bitter fluid all over his stomach and thighs.

_'Beautiful,'_ Finn said and kissed Poe on the forehead. The mattress gave, the cot groaned as Finn retreated back into the darkness, leaving Poe writhing, aching and feeling empty in places he didn't think could.

Spent, Poe sagged into the mattress. He blinked, rousing briefly to stare blankly at the dark ceiling. 

"Finn?" Poe rasped, but there was no reply, no kiss on his neck, no rough hand gripping him like he was property.

"Oh kriff." Poe squeezed his eyes shut. He fuzzily noted how sticky he felt, how gross his sheets felt with dry cum and wondered why his asshole burned and throbbed.

Poe groaned as he sat up. He glanced down at the pillow and made a face. He destroyed Finn's thoughtful gift while jerking off to the thought of his friend. 

"Great going, Dameron," Poe muttered. Shame wormed and coiled deep inside. He raised his hand to comb through his sweat matted hair, stopped and sniffed his fingers. He made a face. The musky smell of sweat, bitter cum, slimy like—did he finger himself? 

Poe screwed up his face. How was he supposed to face Finn tomorrow? Especially since he apparently spent the night thinking of poor Finn doing all sorts of things to him, to the point he…

Poe's face flushed, this time not about what he imagined Finn doing, but at the fact he even thought of Finn that way. Finn clearly has eyes for Rey. Finn went after her in Starkiller, asked for her the moment he woke up and hugged her so tight when she brought Skywalker back with her to D'jar. 

So what Finn gave Poe a flower? A flower Poe thoughtlessly destroyed while indulging on perverted fantasies, in fact. That's the kind of guy Finn was, why Poe struggled to remain Poe the friend and not take advantage of the poor guy. 

No, Finn was his best friend, his male best friend. Poe was going to have to remind himself to fantasize about someone else. Snap always complained Poe drew way too many eyes—male and female and in-between—and leaving poor pickings for the others. Maybe it was time to find a guy interested in a little test run and short term fun. Preferably one with dark skin, a bright unfettered smile, hands that—

Poe groaned. He shook his head and whoa, right, no more Tekan ale because his room spun despite it was dark. 

His body ached in so many weird places when Poe cautiously stood up. He tugged the covers off his mattress, making a face at the musky stench. He stripped his bed, leaving the pillow on the floor as well. He kicked off his briefs twisted around his ankle and wiggled out of his soiled tank. Nude, he hobbled, weirdly stiff-limbed to the connecting refresher. He stood under the warm spray and let the water wash his sore body, dimly wondering why the water briefly swirled pink as it went down the drain.


	2. Chapter 2

He hoped Poe liked the holo of the moonrise.

Finn took it on a whim a few days ago on base. The sky was purple, glittering with stars and it made him think about Poe and those sleepless nights. Finn knew Poe still gets nightmares but was reluctant to see Kalonia for them. Sometimes, Finn caught Poe staring up to the sky, his face dreamy, relaxed as Finn has ever seen.

The overnight training was on a planet with three moons and an orange streaked night sky that reminded Finn of Poe's endeared Black One. But Force, it was a long wait until moonrise.

Finn yawned as he shuffled down the ramp. That was a long bout of training even if he didn't spend five extra hours trying to capture the perfect holo. It did not feel like he set his head down on his bedroll before the trainer declared it was time to go. 

Finn was disappointed Poe was not waiting in the landing bay. He mentally shrugged. It was only an overnight. Poe wouldn't pine away for Finn like Finn did every time Poe—

Finn loudly cleared his throat, earning an odd look from some of the mechs.

"Welcome back."

Finn grinned when he recognized one of the mechs.

"Bal," Finn greeted. "They have you working on the X-wings now?"

The hulking Tekan technician shrugged as he wiped his large hands clean with a rag. "Just Dameron's."

Finn frowned. "Poe usually prefers to do maintenance of his own ship." He glanced around but Poe was nowhere to be found.

Bal shrugged. The move seemed to lift his entire body. "He was working on it, but complained his back was hurting. I offered to finish."

Abruptly, Bal smirked. "I was hoping for a chance to get my hands on Dameron's ship. I heard so much about it."

"Hurting?" Finn felt an unease stirring in his gut. "Was he on a mission?"

Bal shrugged once more, distracted as he considered the X-wing they stood under.

"He and Wexley ran night patrol last night. Think Dameron hurt his back jumping off his X-wing instead of using the ladder." Bal paused. Guilt flickered across his squarish face.

"Ah, best you don't say anything, though. And, er, you didn't hear it from me. I think he's worried he'll get grounded. He was pretty embarrassed about it."

Finn bit back a smile. It was known around the hangar how Poe tended to jump off his X-wing, too impatient for the ladder. Drove the mechs crazy. It was bound to happen Poe would miscalculate even if Poe insisted it wouldn't.

Still…

"Is he in medbay?" Finn steered for the medical section, but halted when Bal muttered, "Nah, I think he's out flying one of the new Y-wings we got in."

"With his back bothering him?" Finn lowered his voice when he realized others were looking. "When he's due to return?"

"Any minute." Bal nodded towards the landing strip. "He and Pava were doing some wager about some weird flying stunt thing." Bal grinned, a slit across his face that made him look more calculating than amused. "He's good. Like how he moves."

"He's the best," Finn muttered as he shielded his eyes with a hand to scan the skies. There. Sure enough, a pair of Y-wings zipping in and out of each other's wake, so close, there were times Finn feared they'd crash. He waited by the landing strip, unable to stop grinning when the hood lifted and Poe's trademark dark helmet popped up.

"Hey!" Poe's grin was audible even before he started climbing down the maintenance ladder. Sure enough, Finn noted the slight hesitation in Poe's gait, his firm buttocks clenching as he took each rung, hips hitching instead of swaying.

Finn blinked when he realized he was staring far too long.

"C-careful," Finn stammered. He stumbled back a step, out of reach, because he could raise his hand and clamp over the lush curve.

"It's fine, it's fine," Poe groused. It sounded like he was still irked about last night.

"I mean, considering last night…" Finn couldn't resist teasing.

Poe hopped down the last two steps. He spun on his heels and gaped at Finn.

"Last night?" Poe looked wide-eyed at Finn. "Wait, when did you get back?"

Finn pushed back another yawn, but the reminder made him slump. 

"Who knows? Last night? This morning? Is it morning yet?" It felt like he hasn't slept at all. 

Poe took his time taking off his helmet. He mumbled something under his breath. When he looked up, Poe smiled goofily at Finn, his eyes crinkled and fond.

"Well, all right," Poe murmured. 

Finn's breath caught at the soft look in Poe's eyes. His heart hammered. 

"Yea," Finn murmured, unable to stop from smiling back just as soft. He nodded towards Poe.

"So, last night…" Finn inwardly winced when Poe fidgeted. "Ah, you know what? Never mind. I, yea, sorry."

Poe smiled shyly, almost to himself. He brushed a palm over the top of his helmet. "It's okay," he murmured. "I didn't…it was fine."

"I mean," Finn fumbled. "You did that plenty of times, didn't think you'd get that messed up last night."

Poe stilled. He laughed awkwardly a beat later. 

"Sure, plenty of times." Poe gripped his helmet with both hands. "Last night was…it was nothing. Didn't hurt that bad. Really."

Finn considered the hunch across Poe's shoulders. "If you say so," he said slowly.

"It's fine," Poe said firmly. "I'm okay." He cracked a weary smile. Finn made a note to stop by the medbay. The ointment he used on his lightsaber scar had helped.

"Oh hey." Poe gave Finn that little shy smile again. Finn stared, his stomach doing a flip. "I liked your gift."

Finn grinned. "Yea?" He rubbed a hand behind his neck. "When I saw it, I thought it might help you relax, you know, for bed."

Poe blinked, looking strangely taken aback, as if he wasn't sure how to respond.

"Uh, I mean, you seemed so tense…" Finn inwardly grimaced. "No, I meant…I thought you might like it."

Poe kept staring at Finn. Slowly, he nodded.

"I liked it. It was, it helped. Thanks."

Finn sighed in relief. "Oh, good." He hoped Poe didn't have nightmares, but it was a question he didn’t dare ask and make Poe uncomfortable.

"I uh, I got you another one." Finn slipped a hand into his pocket. He groaned. "Which I left in my gear. Great, I better get it before they strip my gear and break it."

"Guess you better go then." Poe tapped Finn's shoulder with his helmet. "Just as well. I uh, broke the other one."

Finn's eyebrow rose. He didn't think holoprojectors were that fragile. "Oh. All right? I'll leave it in your quarters? I got to go to debriefing soon. Maybe I'll see you tonight?" He missed having meals with Poe.

Poe's cheeks flushed. 

"Looking forward to it," Poe managed. He took a step forward, changed his mind and headed towards where Pava was hollering, "Dameron, pay up!"

"Tonight," Poe said, rather breathlessly as he trotted with that slight limp, towards the other end of the landing trip.

Finn stared after Poe. He felt overheated, a wistful thought rising as he turned back to retrieve his gear and the holo he took for Poe. 

There was a moment when it looked like Poe was going to kiss him.

It still hurt.

Poe took as deep as a breath he could into the pillow and the flower he found on his bed after dinner. How Finn managed to sneak it in when he was with Poe the entire time charmed Poe. Sneaky Finn.

Thick fingers—two now—stroke deep into Poe. They burned, stretching as they twisted carefully within him. His hole pulled, burning as well as it snapped tight around the digits.

_'You're still so tight…'_

Finn's fingers went deeper, lancing over that spot that made Poe want to arch his back. But caught in the awkward curl Finn oddly favored, all Poe could do was shudder, groaning as pleasure thrummed down his legs. 

_'You feel so beautiful inside…'_

Fingers went even deeper, past the spot and prodded somewhere Poe thought was too far. He flinched, his arms cinched tighter against his belly.

"Ow," Poe grunted, half slurred because it was hard to speak around the syrupy swirl that wrapped around his senses, slowing everything down while sharpening every sensation.

Something hot trailed down the back of Poe's thigh as his hole tore. Poe hissed in pain. Finn nipped his earlobe in apology before his fingers retracted to Poe's entrance and started to scissor by the rim of Poe's hole.

Poe winced. He stayed curled on his side, Finn draped heavy on his back, Finn's clothing brushing tantalizing across Poe's exposed skin. Finn's fingers continued to work Poe loose, awkwardly and too quickly for Poe's comfort. The flower, another one of Finn's gift, dulled everything to something pleasant, tingly, but Finn's impatience often led to too deep of a thrust, too sharp of a prod, fingers moving too dryly inside Poe. Whatever Finn coated his fingers with ignited sparks as they breached Poe but left only a thin sticky film inside.

Poe had drifted off waiting for Finn, deeply breathing in the orange flower tucked under his chin because Finn gave it to him to help. He supposed Finn was nervous and thought the blossom would help Poe relax so his inexperience wouldn't disappoint Poe. Not that Finn could ever disappoint Poe. Poe was patient. He was willing to let Finn explore first. 

_'Good?'_

Whatever was on the flower made everything around Poe distort and warp. His quarters felt larger and smaller at the same time. His bunk was both hard and soft. And Finn's voice went high and low with each exhale.

Poe exhaled, moaning quietly just like when he first felt Finn gently rolling him to his side and tugging down his clothing. Words were harder to shape with the flower's perfume clogging up his airways. Each inhale was nothing but its scent now.

Finn's hands were large and hot, dry as they swept over Poe's body, damp with sweat by the time he palmed Poe's ass cheeks and spread them apart so he could kiss Poe's hole and oh, Poe didn't expect how his body responded to that. He had shuddered, limbs stretching as electricity shot up his spine and warmed up all over. Finn carefully nudged Poe back into that fetal curl, his face pressed to the sweet-smelling pillow and kissed the back of his neck again and again with dry, cracked lips.

Finn only loosened his flies and pulled down his trousers low enough to free his erection. His huge erection. Poe felt it poking him in the balls from behind. Poe swallowed. Finn felt a lot larger than Poe could have guessed. And eager. Force, Finn's cock leaked precum dribbling down the back of his legs.

 _'Maybe tomorrow…'_ Finn whispered. He squeezed his erection to glide between Poe's thighs, kept tight by a muscular leg thrown over Poe's. 

_'You're still so tight…'_ Finn sounded awed. _'Tomorrow, definitely…'_

Finn thrusted his hard cock between Poe's legs, its hot girth shoving Poe's balls as it went in and out. 

"Fin—" Poe mumbled Finn to slow down, but it seemed to excite Finn more. His inner thighs felt like they were getting scraped raw.

Finn continued, slapping bodily into Poe's back, thick cock rubbing Poe's inner thighs, grazing into the thin skin between his balls and his ass.

"Wait…" Poe gasped. He tried to unwound, to control the pace, but Finn was surprisingly heavy, his arms a vise around Poe's chest. Poe rocked with Finn, his right hip grinding into the mattress and the slick spot of precum leaking out of Poe's dick caught within his folded limbs.

"Finn…" Poe groaned. He found himself thrusting back, his body responding, his air now only that scent, that sweet almost rotting scent seeping into his skin, coaxing him to move move move, because this wasn't enough, no. Finn's fingers were now three and he was so full, his rectum bursting as the digits moved along the thrusts of Finn's cock. 

"Uhn…wai—oh…" Poe swayed under Finn's body, unable to resist (or find the energy to want to), three fingers deep in his body, the back of his legs wet with splatters of cum, the bottom curve of his ass and his inner thighs rubbed raw and red, burning because Finn was pounding into the tight space now.

"Uhn…uhn…" Poe half sobbed, writhing within Finn's hold, his ass rolling up to take more of Finn's fingers in even though they hurt, oh, they hurt and yet they don't as they worked his hole loose, pulling his body out of shape again, because his body was no longer his, it was Finn's and—

Poe screamed into the pillow when Finn snapped hard enough, his cock ground into the thin skin of his balls and something tore. He panted, choked in tears as Finn palmed his aching sac and rubbed a thumb into the trickles of blood.

_'We should stop. We should stop. You're not ready yet…'_

Finn shushed Poe as he shimmied down his body. 

Poe flinched when he felt Finn's tongue lapping his balls from behind.

"Oh…no…" Poe moaned. "Hurts…wait…"

Finn's tongue continued laving the sore area, wet strokes over stinging spots, again and again and Poe just couldn't breathe. He couldn't loosen his lungs to groan in pain or moan in pleasure. He stayed curled, even without Finn's weight against him, shuddering as Finn continued to lick over every sore scraped spot. Poe supposed Finn thought he was making Poe feel better and there were times, it did, but his erection was weeping, his groin tight with the weight of needing to cum and it was starting to hurt now that Finn's fingers were gone.

"S-stop," Poe moaned. "I need…I need…Fin—w-wait…"

Finn sighed. He pulled away. It was both a relief and a torture. Poe felt so strange, bloated in places and empty in others. His insides cramped. His skin boiled. He wanted Finn to touch him. He wanted Finn to don't.

Hands tugged Poe's limbs straight and rolled Poe on his back again. A hand forced one of Poe's fists to loosen and rest over his erection.

_'I want to see…'_

The room was shroud in darkness again and all Poe could make out through tearing eyes was the broad shouldered shape at the foot of his bed. Finn's hand trailed down to cup Poe's right knee.

_'I want to see you…'_

Poe shuddered as he felt a foot stretch out to nudge his hand over his cock. Finn's foot then tucked between Poe's legs to slip under his ass, lifting him up a fraction.

Poe flushed as he felt his hips rock up, his cock bouncing from his slightly arched position. He wrapped his hand tight around his cock and tentatively pulled.

Finn's gaze was on Poe as Poe started to jerk off, best he could with a dry hand, arched up for display. Poe felt Finn's dark interest, smelled the now crushed flower sticky on his cheek, Finn's foot flexing against his bare ass.

_'You're beautiful…so beautiful…I can't wait until you can take me…'_

Poe moaned, Finn's promise, the memory of his frighteningly large cock, heated his insides. His heart thumped, frantic as he pumped his erection that wouldn't release. Tension pulled taut across his lower abdomen, his dick boiling inside out, but he couldn't cum.

"Uhn…" Poe moaned. "I can't…ah…"

Finn's shadow leaned in. A hand slapped Poe's away. Fingers dug into the meat of Poe's ass and Poe suddenly found his lower body lifted higher off the bed. 

Poe cried out as a mouth engulfed his cock, dry yet hot and sucked hard. It felt like his insides were being pulled out without his permission. Pressure built behind his balls. Poe's legs flailed until they were draped over strong shoulders. 

Poe wailed as he was devoured, his cock caught in Finn's hot mouth. He tried to reach for Finn's head, to touch him, but ended up bucking, thrashing as Finn breached his hole again, this time with four fingers. They were large. They felt too large. His body seemed to cinch too tight around them.

"F-fin…wait…I…too b-big—Finn!"

Poe's head lolled left and right, his shoulders an awkward angle. He felt like he was a meal, brought to Finn's eager mouth, being cut open from within by Finn's fingers moving too roughly inside him.

"Uhn…w-ait…hurts…it h-hur—oh, uhn…" Poe panted. He keened as fingers stabbed across that spot again. His cock twitched in Finn's mouth. He hurt. He burned. He ached. Oh…

Poe howled his release, his body arching into a painful twist off the bed, nearly kicking Finn in the process. But Finn was undeterred. He roughly pushed Poe back into the bed, rolled him back on his side and he curled tight against Poe's trembling body, his hand pulling Poe's damp cock in time with his fingers buried deep into Poe's ass.

"No…Finn…you…you need to slow…I can't—uhn, wait…"

Poe wheezed, gasping as too much input attacked him. Things hurt. Things burned. He was stretched. He was filled. Finn held him hard, kept him curled small and trembling, caught in strong arms and twisting as Finn tried to wring another orgasm out of him.

"I-I c-can't," Poe wailed as Finn smashed his face into the pillow. Poe felt himself drowning in heady sweet air and he cum so hard, he convulsed and passed out, unable to take it anymore.

Poe woke up feeling so empty.

Swollen eyes cracked open to a dark room again, but this time he was alone. He felt gutted, hollowed out between his legs, his skin raw all over. It took a few trembling gasps before he realized Finn cleaned him up, redressed him, sticky bacta trickling out of his abused hole.

"Force…" Poe croaked. That was…he gulped. He shifted and parts of him ached. He felt bruised. 

And yet, he remembered Finn's lips over him, whispers and promises on his skin.

Poe shuddered. Soon, Finn said. Soon. Apparently Finn needed time to adjust to the idea of fucking Poe or at least get Poe loose enough to take…that.

"Finn," Poe breathed. There was a lurch in his stomach, yet also longing. Later, Poe would teach Finn, they'll teach each other, but for now…

_'Soon…'_

Poe swallowed. He rolled to his side, grimacing as his entire body throbbed. He tugged a thin blanket over his nude body, dimly wondering where Finn threw his clothes to. Later. He was exhausted, misshapen and put back together all aching and empty.

Poe shook, closed his eyes and tried to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

He misses Poe.

Finn tracked Poe as he laughed at whatever Snap and Jess said by the X-Wings. It looked like it was a successful mission; a short hop to the next system for supplies. And yet this was the first time in over a week since Finn saw Poe.

It was Finn's idea to train as part of the ground forces for the Resistance. And Bal's suggestions on where they could retrieve more parts for their fighters were helpful, but also kept Finn busy. 

Poe supported Finn's goal to become a more integral role in the war, but he did look wistful every time Finn had to say hello without stopping because of yet another mission that didn't need pilots. Rey was off with Master Skywalker in odd Jedi missions with Poe's droid BB-8, Poe has his Black Squadron, it was nice to feel like he could contribute something as well. He only wished it was with Poe.

Poe's missions and Finn's intense training meant their schedules were hardly in sync anymore. Now, they only manage the evening meals if they were lucky and often one was hallway done by the time the other arrived. Finn was used to seeing Poe at every meal and close by whenever a thought occur to Finn. It was disconcerting to turn around to tell Poe something only to remember Poe wasn't there.

From across the landing bay, Poe glanced up. Somehow, despite all that was happening around them, Poe found Finn. Their eyes locked and there was a moment Finn thought everything faded around them.

Then Poe ducked his head, looked up to find Finn still staring and smiled.

Finn raised his hand to wave when one of their new mechs, Ceats or Bal, he thinks gestured to get all the pilots' attention.

Poe gave Finn a little shrug, a wink that curdled heat in Finn's belly before hurrying to catch up with the others gathered around an X-wing.

Maybe Finn missed Poe, maybe it's been a while since they spent any lengthy time together, but Finn thought Poe has been acting different towards him. Poe leaned in a little closer to talk in Finn's ear. His firm thighs pressed in closer to Finn when they sat down for dinner. And Poe smiled at Finn, like he shared a secret with Finn. Only Finn was clueless to whatever it was.

Different, but Finn liked it. A lot.

Finn enjoyed meeting Poe halfway, their noses almost touching whenever they spoke. And when Poe shifted closer, Finn's hand drifted to the small of Poe's back in pretense of making sure Poe didn't fall out of his seat. And Poe would sometimes lean into Finn's hand. Just briefly, but the heat of Poe's body branded Finn's hand. Finn was tempted to use that hand at nights, curled around his dick and imagine it's Poe's heat around his cock, Poe's heat Finn thrust into, cum into, faster and faster as Poe—

"…need a nap?"

Finn started and realized Poe was standing in front of him and probably has been for a few minutes. Poe's dark brow was knitted in concern.

"You okay there?" Poe reached up and brushed Finn's forehead with the back of his knuckles. "Looking a little flushed there, babe."

Babe? Finn wasn't sure whether the nickname or Poe's touch shocked him more.

"Uh, fine, just, um, hi." Finn mentally slapped a hand over his face.

Poe stared at Finn, before grinning. "Hi, yourself. You sure you're okay?"

"I missed you," Finn blurted out and immediately after, wanted to groan.

Poe snorted. "We saw each other last night." He winced and shifted from foot to foot. "I still feel it, in fact."

"Yeah," Finn murmured, grimacing. "Last night wasn't the greatest, huh?" What was the mess thinking of when they served that? That meat roll sat in the pit of Finn's stomach till this morning. He wished they didn't moved him so far away from Poe's quarters. He could have used the company in shared bellyaching.

Poe, however, only gave Finn a small smile that was strangely unsure. He didn't seem as bothered as Finn was about dinner although he stood rather delicately as if something pained him.

"It wasn't that bad," Poe murmured. He patted Finn on the arm and his fingers lingered by Finn's elbow. Impossibly, Finn felt Poe's touch even through his jacket, the jacket Poe gave him along with his name.

"Although," Poe chuckled hesitantly, "Maybe we should skip tonight? I'm still feeling sore."

Poor Poe. Yes, definitely no meat rolls tonight. But Poe shouldn't miss meals either. Poe was looking a little careworn lately.

"I would hate for you to miss out tonight. Maybe I can get something for it?" Finn offered. Surely, the medbay has something for an upset stomach.

Poe's expression flickered. "Ah, no—you know what? It's fine. It's—I'm good. Yea, let's not skip it. I still have plenty of bacta from last time."

"Bacta?" Finn's eyebrow rose high. "I don't see how bacta is going to be much help. I was thinking—"

"There you are."

Bal's jovial voice arrived before he did. The mech lumbered towards them, toolbox in hand. 

"Pava has some ideas about the rudders. I wanted to check with you first before doing anything."

Poe groaned. "Of course she does." He smiled ruefully at Finn. 

"Tonight?" Poe curled a hand around Finn's elbow. He smiled, but it looked shaky. 

Finn nodded. He better asks the medbay for something otherwise Poe wasn't going to be able to eat. 

"Can't wait," Finn said, much more honestly than he should in front of others.

Poe's faint smile widened and his eyes brightened.

"Yea," Poe said, "Me too, babe."

Poe rubbed Finn's arm up and down, a teasing stroke that left Finn's mouth parted in shock, arousal, a daze or all of the above. He gaped after Poe walking away, Bal following after giving Finn a funny look.

"Babe," Finn murmured. He bit his lower lip. He cupped the elbow Poe touched. He liked his name Finn, but he could definitely get used to Poe calling him, "Babe" instead.

"Finn," Poe groaned.

The flowers—Finn left him four this time—tumbled under Poe's body. They released more and more of that unctuous scent that left Poe feeling heavy and floating at the same time. But it still wasn't enough to cloak the sharp bite of four thick fingers twisting roughly inside him.

"Uhn…" Poe whimpered. He twitched, trapped in his fetal position under the weight of Finn's bulk. His feet flexed, toes almost touching the back of his own thighs as Finn's fingers traveled deeper into his body.

"Fi—" Poe gulped. That filled feeling was overwhelming. It left him feeling incredibly bloated, like his body was desperately needing the refresher. His bowels cramped. Even after the last three nights of Finn's fingers, Poe was still having trouble taking in four. They felt incredibly big in him.

"Uhn…w-wait…" 

_'Why won't you let me in?'_

Finn, often soft and blurred with want, sounded frustrated this time. Even the swirling fog from the blossoms couldn't completely hide the annoyance in his voice. Even as he reassured Poe it was okay when Poe flinched after the fourth finger forced itself into Poe, there was a thread of annoyance when Poe still couldn't loosen enough for him. 

The flowers pinned between Poe's body and the mattress were slowly crushed into a sticky pulp every time Poe writhed and rocked across the bed. Finn's fingers were thick, too thick to go deep enough to lance across that spot inside Poe. Poe tried to ask Finn to use just three, maybe even two, at least brush across the gland and give Poe a bit of reprieve.

But Finn seemed determined to loosen Poe enough for the intimidating girth that rutted between Poe's skinned thighs every night. 

Lips brushed over Poe's flushed nape, Finn's chest rocked up Poe's back, Finn's fingers, his fingers…

"Fin…" Poe's breath stuttered as his hole stretched, burned and—"I need to…slow down…h-hurts…"

Hard and rhythmic, Finn's fingers continued moving anyway and a bolt of pain shot up Poe's spine. He cried out, his legs shooting out straight as he jolted in agony.

"Uhn…"

Finn's knees bumped into the back of Poe's and prodded him back into a curl, tucking Poe against Finn.

The angle made Finn's fingers crowd into Poe's rectum, a large growing beast that burned. 

"Force," Poe panted. "F-finn, no, wait…I…"

 _'I want you so much.'_ Finn rocked up against Poe's hunched form. The cot creaked under them. _'I thought you wanted me…'_

Poe started and oh, bad move, because something boiled inside and pulled out of form. His head spun, from the flower, from Finn's touch, from the nauseating lurch of his insides moving where they shouldn't. He didn't know. There were times he didn't care; the flowers carried Poe to a sort of red-tinged bliss that made everything that hurt into fog. This wasn't one of those times.

The hurt in Finn's voice drew Poe out of his pain, though. He gulped, gathering enough air to speak.

"I do…" Poe groaned. "I do want you, but…I need you to—Ah, Finn, it hurts…S-sto—slow down. Please…"

Finn's engorged cock continued slipping in and out between Poe's thighs damp with precum, his fingers corkscrewing sharp and jerky in Poe's ass, but he stopped swaying against Poe. The bed under them silenced and all Poe could hear was his own pained gasps and Finn's quickened exhales.

Dry lips kissed the back of Poe's head.

_'Let me try something.'_

To Poe's relief, Finn's fingers withdrew, yet it also left him feeling like he was scooped out and left empty. He breathed slowly, in and out, listening to Finn reaching out to somewhere beyond Poe's head, the rustle of his clothing against Poe's bare skin, Finn's breathing as it quickened in excitement.

Poe yelped when something incredibly sticky pressed against his puffy hole. It was pulp, or a paste or—no, it was the flower mashed up by Finn's fingers.

"Wha…" Poe groaned, but he was still pinned fetal under Finn.

_'Help you relax more…'_

Poe hissed as Finn pushed the pulp into his rectum with two fingers, prodding the wet sap and silky petals deeper into him.

"Wait…"

It felt gross, sticky that made his insides tacky and harder for Finn's fingers to move inside. Poe choked as the slimy lump left his insides coated and swollen. It felt…It felt…

Poe moaned as a ripple of pleasure and warm washed down his body. His hole throbbed, his insides pulsing with so much heat. Even though he was pinned, Poe feebly rolled his hips back as much as he could.

Finn's fingers sank all the way in, that smashed flower now pressed possessively over that spot.

_'Better?'_

Poe mewled as Finn fucked him with his fingers, gasping, shivering as Finn added a third. 

The fingers stretched Poe wonderfully, filling a hunger Poe didn't know he had until now. He keened, swaying along with Finn, shuddering as Finn's fingers began roughly scissoring inside.

"Uhn…uhn, oh…"

Poe's lips parted and he mouthed the pillow creased under his cheek. The pillow reeked of the blossoms, even when Poe replaced its covering. The scent flooded up his nostrils, swept over him like disturbed air from an x-wing's wake. The more he breathed in, the more his body tingled. His hole quivered around Finn's three fingers and his legs twitched, desperate to move.

_'I think you can take more now…'_

The eagerness in Finn's voice didn't register. Poe bucked, hips snapping back to pull Finn's fingers deeper, moaning wantonly as Finn's other hand curled around his erection. Poe didn't know where he wanted to move: towards the hand on his cock or back into the ballooning stretch pushing into his hole—

Poe wailed as Finn's fourth finger and thumb slipped in, crushing his insides as the hand sank deeper. Finn swore under his breath and abruptly, Poe was rolled until he was completely facedown into the pillow, his knees folded too tight towards his chest. Finn kept Poe folded, contorted fetal and small between Finn's heaving chest and the mattress.

The drugged fog momentarily lifted.

"Uhn—hur—stop, stop, F-fin…nonono…"

Poe gasped, sobbing as Finn's hand roamed deeper, kneading that oozing pulp into the walls of his rectum, his insides swelling from the invading hand, his hole yawning trying to fit around the large wrist.

_'Relax…you feel so beautiful…Almost…you're so close…'_

"Stop…" Poe groaned into the pillow. His head spun. His stomach clenched, over and over as if Finn's hand was somehow in there, physically twisting his insides into bleeding knots.

_'If you can take this…'_

Poe thrashed as best he could, howling with what little air his crushed body could allow as Finn's hand flexed experimentally.

"No!" Poe howled and that outburst hurt in his chest, but he let out another. "N-no! Finn, s-stop—uhn, ah…"

It felt like the flower mash dissolved inside Poe's ass and left a heated haze he couldn't breathe around. He shuddered, his body undulating despite the agonizing presence rammed up against his hole.

_'Yes…so beautiful…'_

Finn sounded panicked all of the sudden when Poe bucked into Finn's hand, sobbing and moaning as he felt the wristbone pop in.

_'Slow down. Wait…'_

More, Poe needed more. It hurt. Oh, it hurt. And filled. There was no room left in his body, nothing but want. He needed. He needed, oh, he needed it so much, please…

Finn was shouting, or felt like it, against Poe's ear as Poe thrashed, trying to fuck himself harder into that large hand. He moaned as something burned, sobbed as something tore. He heard himself babbling it hurt so much and yet he needed it, please, he needed it, he—

_'No, stop! You're not ready!'_

Poe screamed, his face crushed into the pillow as Finn's hand abruptly left him. Finn realized his mistake, frantic hands pawing Poe's convulsing body, shushing Poe as he sobbed in agony.

It was an ache Poe needed filled. It was also an ache Poe wanted left alone. He struggled weakly as he was rolled to his stomach, limbs straightened, legs spread so Finn could press a bacta coated finger into him.

"Uhn, ah…" Poe whimpered.

_'You weren't ready. I'm sorry. It was too soon. But you're almost there. Tomorrow. We'll try again tomorrow.'_

Poe squeezed his eyes shut. He memorized the weight of Finn straddled on the back of his legs, a careful finger massaging bacta salve into his swollen insides.

"No."

Finn's finger stilled inside Poe.

Poe couldn't lift his face off the pillow. He wished he drowned in the scent again but it mingled with salty tears and blood. He had bit his tongue.

_'Poe, don't you want me? I want you.'_

Poe swallowed, pushing back the urge to throw up.

"I can't do this," Poe rasped. He heard Finn's breath hitched and he almost took it back when he felt the warm ooze of blood trickling down to pool under his cock, no longer erect, sore because of Finn and Poe's combined weight.

Finn rotated his finger inside Poe, mixing bacta with the flowers. Pleasure coiled on contact. 

"Finn, I said n-no," Poe snarled, but his voice cracked as his body reacted sluggishly, his ass clenching weakly around the digit. 

_'Poe…'_ Finn sounded distressed. His finger slipped out of Poe with a wet sound. It brushed over Poe's hole, sore and puffy. It stung on contact.

"No." Poe pulled his fists to either side of the pillow. "This…Finn…no…"

_'Just a few more nights, you'll be able to take my cock. Poe…'_

A sob lodged in Poe's throat. Fear and desire choked him.

"Finn, I-I…can't do this." Poe gulped. "H-hurts too much."

The flowers still lingered heady around Poe and in him, a disgusting lump that seemed to grow harder and larger in him. 

_'A few more nights,'_ Finn insisted.

"Finn, I kriffing said no!" Poe regretted his outburst at Finn's shocked silence. Poe took a deliberate deep breath into the pillow and waited until the fuzzy awareness cloaked him, softening that mix of panic and anger in him.

"Finn," Poe murmured. "This…it hurts too much. I can't do this anymore."

_'I thought you wanted me.'_

Poe bit his lower lip at the hurt in Finn's voice. Finn stroked the back of Poe's left thigh. There was enough of the flower's intoxicating sap to tempt Poe to arch into that touch. But no, the growing burn deep inside his body, but he wanted Finn, needed his—no. He can't.

"I'll always want you," Poe whispered. He wished he could turn around, but Finn's weight on his legs kept him immobile. "But I don't…I don't want this. Finn, I'm so—I'm sorry."

 _'I'll always want you.'_ Finn reluctantly shifted off Poe's legs. _'Maybe…maybe later? I'll wait. Forever.'_

Force. Poe's eyes filled. He shifted to roll, but Finn's large hand settled on the small of his back. It was sticky from the crushed flower and clung tacky on Poe's spine.

_'Wait till I leave first.'_

Finn's hand abruptly splayed on the back of Poe's head. It reeked and felt grimy on Poe's scalp as it pressed Poe's face deeper into the pillow.

"Finn…" Poe wheezed.

 _'Breathe deep,'_ Finn instructed. _'It'll help with the pain.'_

Poe dutifully took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the fading perfume. He felt his limbs relax, his body suddenly heavier. He could only whimper as he felt Finn caress his buttocks.

 _'I'm not giving up on us,'_ Finn murmured. He stroked Poe's ass, his finger teasing the muscular rim of Poe's entrance.

"Uhn…" Poe moaned drowsily. 

_'I'm not giving you up, Poe Dameron,'_ Finn whispered and his touch vanished.

Poe laid, exhausted, a shell of his former self, cold because the thin blanket was an uncomfortable lump under his foot. But he didn't have the strength to get it or the energy to recall why he wanted it in the first place. He laid prone on the bed, shuddering as wet spots on the mattress further chilled his skin.

"Finn," Poe rasped hoarsely. His breathing hitched again. "I'm sorry. I…"

_'I'm not giving you up, Poe Dameron,'_

Aching and spent, Poe shivered.


	4. Chapter 4

Poe stopped calling him "babe."

Finn wanted to kick himself as he dropped heavily into a seat in the mess. He probably hurt Poe's feelings when he didn't return the sentiment last week. Then again, at the time, Finn was at a loss what was the appropriate reply. And Poe was rarely around meal times now, always on patrol for some reason, so Finn couldn't even try. If he thought of any, that is.

Out of habit, Finn looked around to see if Poe was around, but he heard the Black Squadron were out on a mission again based on something one of their new recruits mentioned. 

Poe dashed by Finn yesterday with a half grimace sort of smile when Finn wished him luck. There was no time to stop, but Finn wished he jogged with Poe to the landing strip. Seeing Poe off was one of the few times they have these days. Finn knew it made sense: Poe was a pilot, a commander and Finn was firmly entrenched planetside. Force, Finn still struggled to differentiate when they're joking or not about something. Poe used to help, making sure to roll his eyes at any outlandish remark so Finn could catch on. But these days, it took all his concentration trying to decipher what everyone was saying. First Order's training lacked cultural diversity: it was Terran or nothing. Humor wasn't a strategic trait they wanted in their Stormtroopers.

"Missing the wife?" 

The table vibrated when Bal squeezed into a seat next to Finn. He grinned and Finn supposed this was yet another joke his sterilized upbringing kept him from understanding.

"Evening," Finn greeted, struggling how to respond. He nodded towards what the mech has in his giant hands instead.

"That's interesting."

Bal stopped twiddling the lump of wood with the shard of metal. He held up the fist size piece. He rubbed a thumb over the grain.

"From my planet," Bal explained. "Flowering tree. Empire over harvested them when my pa was a kid. Not many left by the time I came of age. This tree was dying so I decided to preserve as much of it as I can. Even planted one on this planet."

Finn studied the wood. It smelled like flower nectar despite the fact it bore no blossoms.

"It's nice," Finn offered. "To find a way to save a piece of home." Poe once mentioned he wanted to try and grow a fruit tree on D'Qar as well, but it only grew well on the humid climates of his home planet.

"Wish I could do the same," Finn said, unable to hide the wistfulness in his voice. "Is your tree doing all right?"

Bal grinned. "Yeah, it loves this planet. Might try to plant another one." He tossed the wood to Finn. "Here, you could have this one. The material is pretty soft. Easy to carve and shape."

Finn cradled the wood, warm from Bal's hands. It was black, as dark as Poe's curls, streaks of dried orange sap running through. It reminded him of Poe's beloved fighter.

"You sure?" Finn traced one deep orange vein that cut through the wood. It sat larger than Finn's hand, but surprisingly light.

"Sure." Bal shrugged. "I made a few things already as gifts. Go ahead and try your hand on something." He patted Finn, a casual touch to Finn's shoulder that nearly knocked him over. Finn grimaced to himself as he bid Bal good night. 

Alone again, Finn contemplated the wood. The longer he held it, the more he wanted to hold it tighter. He set it on the table and watched it roll from left to right before his plate of food stopped it.

It smelled like fruit, like overripe fruit. Finn made a face and leaned away from it. He was tempted to throw it out, but he didn't want to appear ungrateful either. Besides, its black and orange streaks reminded him of Black One.

Mind whirring, Finn carefully picked up the wood with the linen provided with their meals. He didn't want to mar the surface. As the idea formed in Finn's head, Finn carefully made the first cut.

Someone's been in his room.

Poe tensed. Then, relaxed when he realized it could only be Finn. But as soon as he thought of it, Poe tensed again.

The mission to intercept the First Order munitions shipment was a success. Bal's intel led them to the remains of Bal's home planet where a small waylay post stayed hidden from sight. But kriff, it was three days of huddling in the mud, jumping from one spot to another to avoid being followed and one night shivering in his X-wing because the heater Bal warned him about finally gave out.

Poe wanted his bed more than food, and no, it wasn't because he saw Finn sitting in the usual table, intently poking at some weird lumpy thing with his knife. He was tired. He ached, but not for those reasons, not anymore. He ached because it was a long mission. And maybe, possibly, he ached because he missed Finn.

Rubbing his tired face with both hands, Poe stayed by the doorway of his quarters. His quarters didn't have the musky smell of a room that was unoccupied for days. It smelled like…oh no…

Poe lowered his hands and eyed his bed by the wall, but there were only the rumpled covers, his new pillow. No ball of petals, no orange blossoms that made his body react to everything in such a way, he—

There was a brown sachet on his bed.

Poe studied the shadows in his quarters.

"Finn?" Poe called out warily. He scratched his jaw when nothing answered back. 

"Jumpy much, Dameron?" Poe muttered. He made it clear that night he couldn't do it anymore. He was sure Finn understood when Poe avoided him afterwards. Eventually, Poe hoped they can go back to being friends. Just friends who don't do…that.

Poe gingerly sat down on the bed. He cradled the canvas sack with both hands. He sighed.

Not all of it hurt, though.

Poe caught himself turning to his right each time Snap or Pava said something ridiculous. He found himself thinking how much Finn would like to try whatever food mess cooked up at meal time. When he camped out in the rain, waiting for First Order to drop off their next scheduled shipment, Poe stared at the stars that shone brighter under the sparkle of rain and thought how much Finn would like seeing this.

"It's fine," Poe said wearily to whatever present Finn must have left him. "We'll be okay, buddy."

Poe shook the contents out onto the bed. He frowned, unsure what the five pieces were. They were all of different sizes, dark wood, some as long as his thumb, varying in thickness, curved and blunt on one end, flared and hooked with a loop on the other end like a handle.

"You got to be kidding me." Poe recoiled. He stared at the pieces on the bed. One was as wide as his own hand, flared at the tip to prevent it from slipping out.

"Finn," Poe groaned. He scrubbed his face with his hands that now smelled faintly like the flowers. He pulled his hands back and squinted at the plugs—he couldn't think of what else to call them. They weren't as long as a cock, thank Force, but their widths…Kriff, gaping at the largest one made his ass ache with the memory of that hand twisting, inching up into Poe, fire licking at his sore hole and rectum.

Poe hurriedly threw all of the pieces back into the small sack. He paused at the folded note under the bottom of the items.

_I'm sorry. Please. I still want to try._

Poe exhaled. He tucked the note back into the sack. He shook his head and went to the refresher for the shower he's been yearning for during their mission.

Finally feeling clean, Poe slumped into his bed. He yawned and started to roll over when he felt the sack against his ribs. Oh yeah, right.

As Poe lay on his back, he tested the weight of the bag in his hand. Despite how many were inside, it was surprisingly light. He pulled out one and studied it in the lamp by his bed. It was the middle piece, thicker and longer than his thumb but not as wider as the last one. But still big. Poe swallowed. He remembered how a finger felt, moving and stretching him. And then the second one—

With another shudder, Poe curled his hand around the plug. His hand felt overly warm, heat rippling down to his elbow the longer he held it.

Shaking his hand loose, Poe dropped the plug back into the bag. He pulled out the folded note.

_I'm sorry. Please. I still want to try._

If only…

Poe stared at the blocky lettering. Finn normally wrote sloppily which drove his training officer crazy. But here, the words were precise as if fearing the possibility Poe might misread them. 

"I want to try too," Poe murmured. He rolled his shoulders into the mattress. Kriff, he was exhausted. That hot tingly feeling on his arm was now all over, like a fever, vaguely familiar, but he could barely keep his eyes open to think.

The sachet Poe held was feeling heavier and heavier. Poe gave the bag a feeble shake and a few plugs tumbled out. He plucked at them, missing, only managing to pick one up to squint at it. It was one of the smaller ones. Still thicker than the finger Finn used to explore Poe's insides.

Poe flushed all over. That one hurt but after a while, it felt incredibly good, especially when Finn started slow, pressing into his hole with a weight and heat that…

The plug felt like it weighed as much as his helmet. Poe watched what he held in his hand go out of focus. Force, he needed sleep. Later, he'll need to talk to Finn later and explain how Finn couldn't…

With an exhale, Poe's hand dropped to the bed. He heard the wooden item tumble to the floor. 

Later, he'll pick it up lat…

Poe's eyes slid shut just as the door to his room opened.

Dry hands caressed his flank.

Poe stirred. He blinked into his pillow. When had he turned on his side? 

Something pungent, sweet to the point of rotten pressed into Poe's nose. Poe murmured, his eyes fluttering to open wider.

"Uhn?" Poe moaned as that strange soft thing seemed to fill his mouth and nostrils. He spluttered.

_Sh..._

Finn? No, Finn shouldn't be here. Poe told him it was over, Finn shouldn't—oh…

Poe shivered as hands pulled his sleep pants down to his bent knees. His shirt was rucked up under his arms and a rough pressure curled over his filling cock.

"No…" Poe felt hands palming his buttocks, massaging the muscles, kneading until he felt himself slumping further under the touch.

_I missed you so much…._

"Oh…" Poe moaned as he felt a sticky finger skirting his entrance, dipping into the hole. "Uhn…"

_We'll be more careful this time…._

Poe keened drowsily as that blunt tip pushed in, only a little and stilling at the rim. The digit massaged, relaxing the hole more and more.

That soft thing pressed over Poe's face smelled familiar, so familiar, but he couldn't breathe past its thick sweet scent to remember why he shouldn't breathe too deeply in the first place.

The finger disappeared and Poe sighed, disappointed. He flinched when something larger returned.

_Deep breaths. It'll help..._

"Oh," Poe moaned as he felt something hard, yet warm, inch into his ass. His legs parted as the object stretched his hole, nudged his insides and after a pop, settled inside with an unrelenting pressure. When he breathed, it moved, prodding a spot inside, but only just barely.

_Perfect._

Poe murmured, brow knitting as he felt himself swaying, rocking into the hardness nestled deep inside him. A hand pulled his to clasp together over Poe's erection. Oh, that felt good. His cock burned with need. His hips rolled, pressing his cock into their combined hands and oh, that thing inside him lanced across, oh, oh…

"Ah…" Poe cried out, arching into whatever draped over him. "Oh, uhn…"

Pleasure coursed down Poe's back. He moaned, unsure where he should move towards. He needed. Oh, Force, he needed…

The hands over his cock squeezed and pulled. The stiff object inside him didn't go deeper but twisted and rubbed his ridged opening in a way Poe sobbed because he needed more of it.

The air was thick and reeked of burnt sugar when Poe gulped. His limbs twitched, his body folding without his permission, trapping the hands on his cock, angling the object in his ass to scrape the walls of his rectum. The fill robbed Poe of thought. Hurt, but also good, more, he desperately needed more…

Poe cried out when he cum, convulsing under the weight, trembling as he cum into his own hand, his mattress. He mewled when he rolled onto his back, driving that hardness deeper into him. He rocked into the mattress, pressing the object deeper still, past the wider flared base, writhing as the object moved around his rectum with heat, stretching him so full. 

Poe felt a mouth on him, slurping, suckling, the object in his ass twisting maddingly like a gyroscope and he burned as everything felt like it was too much and not enough at the same time.

Poe wailed when he cum for a second time but didn't feel himself spill over his own body. A mouth latched to his dick sucked hard, milking his cock dry and too much, too much, it felt like his skin was getting pulled off his bones. The hard object was pushed deeper, just a fraction into Poe's ass and Poe screamed as he was forced to cum for a third time, draining him dry, depleted, a husk yet he could feel himself jerking and pulling his own spent dick with feverish desperation.

"Uhn…oh…need…I-I…"

_Sh..._

Poe sagged into the mattress, chest heaving, his heart hammering so hard tears ripped out of the corners of his eyes. He felt over sensitized, stretched beyond the limits of his body, yet he ached…so much…

"Finn?" Poe moaned as he sank into exhaustion.

A hand carded through the sweaty curls.

_Better?_

"Uhn…" Poe whimpered as darkness swept over.

Poe woke with a jolt.

Chest heaving, Poe blinked blearily up at the ceiling. The light burned his gritty eyes.

"Fin…" Poe rasped. He took inventory of his own body. He pulled his right hand away from his own cock. He grimaced at the crusty cum stains on his fingers. He felt his face with his other hand. It was damp, but not sticky. Sweat, most likely.

Poe shifted. He stilled.

The plug in his ass moved with each breath. Poe shakily reached behind him and felt it. He closed his eyes, moaning as the plug rubbed at his hole and sent tiny ripples of heat down his legs. His feet flexed. His thighs quivered. And his cock started to fill. 

"Uhn…" Poe tentatively felt behind him again, trembling as he gave the plug a small turn and—oh…

Poe's body shook, his cock now flat on his stomach as he rutted back into the mattress. He gasped, the bed creaking under him as he rolled his pelvis back, settling his weight fully on his ass and…

The orgasm came as a shock, torn out with Poe's startled cry. He rolled to his side, writhing even as his buttocks clenched, his hands shaky. Poe wasn't sure if he was trying to pull the plug out or push it in. He laid curled on his bed, his cock weakly cumming and when he was done, he was left feeling filthy, emptied and once again misshaped. 

The plug slipped out far easier than Poe felt comfortable with. His hole felt stretched, gaping too loose yet burned with the fill until Poe was able to pull it free from his body.

Poe sat up, hissing at the soreness. A soreness he apparently did to himself. He stared at the bloodied plug in his palm. His throat worked as he noted its size, as thick as two of his fingers, curved and blunt at the rounded tip, tacky and hot from his body…

The plug dropped from Poe's nerveless fingers. He staggered out of his bed, swaying on weak knees. His thin sleep pants pooled around his ankles and with a choked sob, Poe kicked them away as far as he could.

Poe stumbled into the shower, blank-eyed, mind spinning as he turned on the shower. He sank to the floor and let the water crashed down over his shaking body. He stared at his hand as cum washed clean off his fingers. He hesitantly cupped his lax cock. He winced at the bruises he could feel, but afraid to look for.

"Okay, Dameron," Poe whispered. "So that happened. You…" He closed his eyes. "Okay. Okay…"

Poe hunched over, aching, feeling empty and all wrong inside. He trembled as the water turned cold, but he didn't leave until he finally felt clean.


	5. Chapter 5

He wondered if he could remember where his quarters were.

Finn stumbled out of the lightcraft and stared blearily at D'Qar's large sun sinking into the horizon.

"Good work, everyone," Major Trew said tiredly as he shrugged off his gear and passed it to one of the crew. "That's it for night maneuvers training. We meet tomorrow for review, 0800."

Finn smiled faintly at the groans around him. Early mornings were the norm back when he was FN-2187. He was used to rolling out of the barracks before daylight.

Nevertheless, Finn wanted to groan with the others as well when he squinted at his chronometer and realized the mess stopped serving evening meals a few minutes ago.

Finn has ration bars in his gear, as unappetizing they were, but at least it meant he wouldn't starve. Not that starving was a new concept, either. His bed beckoned on the far side of the base. A shower in the refresher was also calling.

But Poe could still be in the mess.

Even though no one was watching, Finn flushed. Okay, it's been a week since he caught Poe drunk stumbling out of the mess. Poe froze at the sight of Finn, then mumbled a good luck to Finn as Finn trotted past (he might have taken the long way around to the landing strip). That was the last time Finn saw the pilot. They received a lot of intel from some of their recruits that kept them busy along with training.

 _He's probably not even there,_ Finn thought. Someone mentioned Black Squadron volunteered to run escort for the next few days for their allies. Poe was most likely resting up for tomorrow.

Still, Finn found himself steering towards the mess, automatically, maybe sleepwalking. He was really tired. He couldn't command where his body wants to go, right? Besides, maybe he could plead a hot meal off the mess staff.

To Finn's surprise and pleasure, Poe was still in the mess, his tray appearing to be untouched, standing there talking with one of their new mechs, Bal.

Finn squinted. Actually, it looked more like Poe was swaying where he stood, Bal holding onto Poe's left arm.

Hurrying, Finn greeted the two with a breathless, "hey" once he was within earshot.

Bal paused, squinting at Finn. "Evening. Thought you guys weren't due back until morning."

Finn shrugged. He frowned mildly at Poe. He looked half asleep.

"Poe?" Finn prodded hesitantly. "You okay?"

"Finn," Poe mumbled. He kept tugging at the arm Bal held on to. Good thing. One strong yank and Poe would have landed face first into his food.

"Finn, no, not tonight," Poe muttered. He blinked heavily-lidded at Finn, his eyes dropping to Finn's hands. Poe stilled.

"Finn?" Poe turned a bobbing head to the hand on his arm. "Wha…Bal?"

"Found you falling asleep on your mashed bik root again." Bal grinned strangely at Finn. "Fifth night this week. I think mess is getting offended."

Poe shook his head, curls ruffled in the move. Finn fought the urge to brush them off Poe's forehead. Although Finn was tempted to touch Poe's forehead; Poe looked pale. Finn hoped Poe wasn't having trouble sleeping again. When Finn stayed with Poe in the beginning, the nightmares were loud and kept both of them up. Poe always apologized. Finn regretted getting reassigned, but he couldn't ignore the mix of regret and relief in Poe's eyes that no one will witness his dreams.

"Hey, let's get you to your quarters," Finn said as he curled his arm around Poe's middle.

Poe flinched, hard enough he shook out of Finn and Bal's grip and dropped heavily into his chair. 

Finn couldn't move, not even to lower his arm still left hanging there.

"No, I'll…I can walk there myself," Poe mumbled, not meeting Finn's eyes. He pushed up with his elbows, rising to unsteady feet.

Bal shot Finn a grimace. He stepped closer, wrapping a thick arm around Poe's middle.

"Finn," Poe groaned. His head drooped then lifted to blink at Finn. He appeared confused, but when Finn edged closer, Poe tensed.

"I'll get Dameron back to his quarters," Bal offered. "He's light compared to others I had to haul back."

Finn's smile hurt but he kept it on his face when he thanked Bal. He dipped his head lower to peer up at Poe.

"Night, Poe," Finn whispered, his throat working, "I uh…get some sleep."

Poe's head bobbed as if nodding, but his half mast eyes said otherwise.

"You missed meal time," Bal noted. He hefted Poe closer to his bulk and nodded to the tray on the table. "He didn't finish that. Might as well not let it go to waste. Tastes good even cold."

Another smile that hurt to make, Finn thanked Bal. He studied the tray; Poe barely touched the mashed bik root and his meat roll was completely untouched.

"Finn, what are you…" Poe yawned. He grumbled when Bal tucked Poe under his arm. Bal could meet Finn eye to eye, yet his broad chest and shoulders made Poe look small against him.

The comparison made a protective feeling well up inside Finn.

"Maybe I should help you two," Finn hedged as he took a step forward. He stopped when Poe tensed again.

Bal grunted, keeping Poe close so he wouldn't fall out of his grip again.

"It's okay. Not the first time I have to tuck our commander in bed." Bal snorted. "Not the first time he woke up with mashed root on his face, either." 

"Oh," Finn said lamely. He slowly sat down in front of the tray. "Thanks," Finn offered weakly. He didn't dare talk to Poe again. He picked up an eating utensil and idly poked at the root mash.

"I would avoid eating that," Bal advised. "It tasted off today."

"Thanks again," Finn murmured. His eyes drifted to Poe, half dozing off Bal's meaty arm. Bal's arms were almost as big as Poe's thighs, Force. 

"Come on, commander," Bal sighed, "Let's get you to bed. Again."

"Mm, Fin—we shouldn't…" Poe stumbled along with Bal's coaxing. He didn't look back.

Finn glumly watched the two until he couldn't see them anymore. He exhaled, shoulders slumping as he turned back to Poe's abandoned tray. Despite Bal's warning, Finn scooped a small taste. He made a face. Bal was right. It tasted oddly sweet and left a bitter aftertaste. It looked like Poe only managed a few bites as well.

Spitting out the rest, Finn ate the cold meat roll instead. As he chewed, Finn wondered if Poe was in bed by now, body moving languidly, that sleepy moan as Finn's cock push into him—

The rest of the meat roll dropped back onto the tray. Finn stared, aghast, but not at the food. He gulped and became aware of the hot pressure building between his legs, growing painful as his mind wandered back to Poe's drowsy face, his lips parted invitingly, the dusky tanned skin of his throat stretched as his head threw back, moaning at the feeling of Finn's cock filling—

Finn hastily stood up. He stilled when he felt himself swaying. Okay, maybe bed was the better option after all. After a shower. Yes. A very cold shower.

Throat working, mouth dry, Finn gave the direction Poe left a long look. Weariness dragged down Finn's body.

Reluctantly, Finn tossed the tray, mentally bid Poe good night and headed for his quarters in the other direction.

It moved each time he breathed, a hard knot sitting just inside his entrance. Waves of heat seemed to ripple out of it, down his body, ballooning inside and behind his bowels. 

Hot. He was hot.

Poe moaned, moving restlessly on top of his bed. It moved, turned and he shivered.

_I'm going to miss you…_

"Finn?" Poe groaned as he writhed. That hard, unrelenting presence burrowed deeper. His legs kicked feebly and for some reason folded back up towards his chest again, changing the angle and—

"Uhn," Poe whimpered. "Oh…"

It was big, bigger than the ones Poe found he had inserted before in his sleep, moving as restlessly as he was. The sheets under him bunched up uncomfortably under his hip. His sleep pants were—where were they? He was cold. And hot.

Syrupy sweet, thick and oozing air filled Poe's nostrils, matching the odd taste that lingered on Poe's tongue. He mewled, twitching as he curled tighter into his own body. He rocked, his painful erection caught within the confines of his thighs and stomach again. He needs…he needs…

"Finn…" Poe sobbed as he rutted, trying to use his lap for friction but to no avail. "Fi—"

Something pressed into Poe's mouth and nose. He keened, his exhales tasted as sweet as he struggled to breathe.

_It'll be better. Breathe deep._

Poe obediently gulped in the air. It seemed to stay lodged in his throat, billowing heat and sparks down his limbs. He panted. He bucked. That hard knot in him sank deeper. His hand reached behind on its own, felt around for the handle and gave it a sharp twist.

"Ah, uhn…" Poe wailed, his body snapping out of its fetal position. He cum, messily, over his own hand that somehow made its way around his cock. He cum as he kept turning the plug, like a bolt, left, then right even as his other hand ruthlessly pulled.

"Stop," Poe babbled, to himself, to the hands that wouldn't obey him. "Uhn, no, s-stop, sto—Ah!"

Poe cum again as he thrashed, his hands pulling free of himself, flailing. The hardness trapped within his entrance kept twisting, as if powered on its own, heat streaming out of it, sending fire down his bones.

Hot. He's—no, stop, he needs to stop this, what is he doin—

"Ah!" Poe shrieked as the plug sank past its flared base and crawled into his rectum, pushing and prodding and…

Poe sobbed, the bed creaking under him as he convulsed. He can't seem to stop from tormenting himself. He could feel fingers—his?—probing, inserting, grasping, twisting and—

With a cry, Poe jackknifed off the bed, moaning as he felt something pop out of him. His ass burned, his hole ached like it was forced into a shape it couldn't hold, his skin was hot, hot, hot, hot and his hands…

"No…" Poe moaned as he felt his hand wrap around his spent cock. Fingers curled, tightening and began to jerk himself off. Thrumming, heart hammering too fast from cumming twice, Poe could only sob, caught in that painful, too much, pulling sensation, oh, oh, why can't he stop? Stop, he needs to stop, please, no more, he can't, it hurts, stopstopstop…

With a cry, Poe woke up.

Eyes wide, Poe stared out into the emptiness of his quarters. He shook, couldn't seem to stop shaking and he pressed his fists to his cracked lips.

A musky smell, a stench Poe recognized filled his senses from his right fist. He opened his fist and gaped at the plug still shiny slick.

Poe smacked his lips and flinched when he realized his mouth was as dry as Jakku and just how he must have slicked up the plug. It was the middle largest size and didn't he put them away, weren't they buried in the pile of dirty clothes, why didn’t he just throw Finn's gift away, why—

_You're doing so good…Almost there…_

It was like Finn's lips was pressed to Poe's ear. Poe flinched. He was about to reach for his ear when he discovered the other hand was covered in dry, crusty cum. 

Poe sat up and stared at his hands in horror. Nausea welled up his throat. He looked around frantically and found his sleep pants crumbled by the bed, his blanket twisted and rucked up uncomfortable between his legs.

His bed was soaked. And reeked. And there were spots of blood where he fucked himself so desperately on the inserted plug.

With a hoarse cry, Poe threw the object across the room. He made himself not to see where it landed, because no, he didn't want to find it again, shove it back up his sore hole and…and…

Bile rose up Poe's mouth. He stumbled, half crawled to his refresher. He dropped to his knees inside the shower and gagged, but nothing would come out because the evening meal tasted strange and he was so tired and he just wanted to sleep but he didn't dare because he kept waking up sore and too stretched, his own fingers smelling like…

Poe choked, his throat working as he tried to gather the pieces his mind kept discarding, try to find why, why was he—why?

Shivering, eyes gritty and swollen, Poe curled at the corner of the shower and waited for morning to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter number increased because plot happened and needed chapters for h/c and cuddles because, wow, me? Plot? Who knew I had it in me? LOL.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely Finn's POV. Because of feelings. (shrugging)

He didn't see Poe there.

Finn blinked blearily at the orange flightsuit across the mess. The person was slumped over, maybe worshipping the mug of caf like Finn was even though moon rise was an hour ago. Force, it has been a long week; satisfying work but draining all the same. Finn stared at the hunched shoulders, his eyes idly trailing down what looked like a sleek, trim torso and fuzzily registered this was a person he should know.

Then Bal approached the exhausted person and a dark head of curls lifted.

Finn didn't realize he was out of his seat until he was close enough to hear Bal coaxing Poe it was time for bed.

"…if you want, you use my bed. My quarters is closer so you can sleep," Bal cajoled.

"Uhn…no, wait…Finn," Poe mumbled. He didn't seem aware his left arm was captured under Bal's.

"I got this," Finn said smoothly. He slid into the remaining seat next to Poe. He wasn't sure why, but he deliberately dropped an arm over Poe's shoulders in front of Bal.

Bal gingerly lowered Poe's arm back to the table. His squarish face was unreadable, but his voice was easygoing.

"You sure? The commander is not light and he looks about ready to take a nap here."

Poe mumbled under his breath, his head drooping into Finn's shoulder.

Something fierce and hot bloomed in Finn's chest when Poe's curls brushed under his jaw. 

"I'm sure," Finn said, making sure he smiled broadly up to the mech even as his arm tightened around Poe. 

"Finn…" Poe fidgeted under Finn's arm. "Just want to sleep, please…"

Finn's heart broke at the drowsy plea. 

"Anything you want," Finn murmured as he drew Poe closer. He felt Poe flinched at first when he spoke. Poe almost pulled away, but Poe relaxed after Finn rubbed Poe's shoulder to smooth away the trembling he felt even under the flightsuit.

"If you're sure," Bal hedged. "I help out at the mess at nights so I'm always the one hustling him to his quarters anyway." He curled a hand around Poe's wrist on the table. "I don't mind."

"Stop…" Poe moaned, his head drooping under Finn's throat. "Finn…can't…" He pressed closer to Finn, his nose squashed into Finn's collarbones. "Mmm…"

Finn would be embarrassed or at least mortified for Poe if it weren't for the odd heated stirring in his belly. He looked up coolly at Bal.

"I'm sure." Finn careful extricated Poe's wrist from Bal's large grasp. "You've done enough." Finn offered another smile. "Your intel really helped with our recent missions. Kept us busy, but we gained a lot of ground against First Order, too."

Bal shrugged, his gray eyes on Poe's head. "First Order destroyed my world. I would have been dead too if it weren't for Dameron." He exhaled, "When I saw his ship zip through the stars, blasting those TIES away, I knew I needed to meet him."

Finn nodded, unsure what to say, unsure how to respond to how Bal's eyes seemed to bore through Poe.

"Well," Bal said reluctantly. "I'll be going, I guess. You're on another mission tomorrow?"

Grimacing, Finn nodded although he wondered if Trew was willing to let him skip it. There was an urge to stay close brewing inside him. A feeling that he should stay here. With Poe. 

Bal grinned. "Good luck. And don't worry, I'll keep an eye out on our commander here."

Finn felt his smile stuck on his face.

"Thanks," Finn said politely. He kept Poe slumped against him, his eyes tracking Bal as he left the mess on his right. Funny, Finn thought all the recruits were housed with the ground teams on the left.

Poe mumbled something under his breath. He sagged further into Finn.

Finn glanced down at Poe's tray. It looked like Poe only managed a few bites of the fish stew and half of the mashed bik root again. Finn took a few bites of the mash, stopping at the aftertaste. Yuck. He wondered if he should mention it to the mess or would that appear ungrateful. 

"Okay," Finn said to himself, "what now?"

Poe only muttered something unintelligible in reply.

Finn wondered if he should just carry Poe across his shoulders. Mindful the mess was still full of people, Finn hauled Poe up and propped him against his shoulder instead.

"Where…" Poe moaned. He valiantly tried to open his eyes, but they slid back to half-mast.

"Your quarters," Finn told Poe as they stepped away from the table. He grimaced in apology to the mess crew, unable to clean up after themselves. Poe was practically asleep against Finn and Finn worried if he left Poe by the table, the poor man would drop to the floor in a boneless and sleepy heap.

Despite Poe's obvious exhaustion, Poe tensed and twisted to get away.

"No," Poe mumbled. His right hand curled into Finn's jacket. "Don't want…not my bed. No…" Poe's voice wobbled. "Tired. Finn, no, p-please…"

Poor Poe's nightmares must be getting worse. Finn understood how Poe's bed probably no longer held any appeal.

"Okay," Finn murmured, thinking quickly. "Not your room. Poe, you need sleep, though. How about my quarters? Same distance."

Poe was quiet for so long, Finn thought Poe nodded off.

"Sleep?" Poe sounded so hopeful. "Ju't sleep?"

Finn wanted to hug Poe. Instead, he knocked his chin gently against Poe's temples.

"Just sleep," Finn promised. No bad dreams. He'll make sure he wakes up Poe before it happens even if he needed to stay awake all night. He'll comlink Trew tomorrow and ask for a reprieve from basic training. Trew debated advancing him for strike force training anyway. 

Poe relaxed against Finn, which Finn took as consent. Carefully, Finn drew Poe closer to him, slipping an arm around Poe's middle. He started when he felt the weight of half arousal pressed against his hip. He peered down at Poe, his tousled head lolling against Finn's shoulder, his cheeks pink as if fevered.

"Finn…" Poe exhaled. He sounded sad. "Why can't we just…"

Finn swallowed. Poe's semi hard cock was hot despite the layers of clothing between them. He thought about the walk to his quarters. He thought about Poe, soft and sleep warm in his bed, cock hard and body relaxed, loose limbed and spread for fuc—

"Okay," Finn stammered as he steered towards his quarters. That corridor looked so long now. "We ready? I mean, uh, let's go to bed—to sleep! I mean to sleep. You! Just you. I uh…"

Luckily, Poe seemed to be already asleep, deaf to Finn's rambling. Yet the firm bulge digging into Finn's hip felt like one of them should be shouting.

Steeling himself, Poe's arm slung over Finn's shoulders, Finn began the torturous trek to his quarters.

Finn was starting to think it was a terrible idea by the time they finally reached his quarters. Poe shuffled as best he could, alternating from flinching and relaxing as they went. Finn found so long as he kept quiet, kept his grip loose around Poe, Poe seemed calmer.

Still, it didn't help that Poe's covered cock brushed against Finn's leg with every step. By the time they reached his quarters, Finn was painfully hard, his breathing harsh. It took him two tries to get his reader to register his keycard and by the time he settled Poe into his bed, helped Poe with his boots, Finn could barely stand straight.

Finn stammered out an excuse—not that Poe heard him. He tossed a thin blanket over Poe and hobbled into the refresher. He made sure the door shut behind him before he undid his flies.

The cool air against Finn's cock was almost enough to set him off. Almost. He felt like his dick was going to boil alive when he curled a trembling dry hand around it.

His strokes were perfunctory, reminiscent of his days in the barracks, hurried fucks and brisk handjobs in the cloak of night. There were no attachments. You crawl into a bunk, if the other grunted, then you get the task done as quickly as possible before Phasma or one of her watchdogs noticed. Demerits for indulging in base activities meant either reconditioning or spaced out. 

Finn didn't like the reminder of his past, but he liked the idea of leaving Poe out there alone even less. He clamped hard, his teeth worrying the neckline of his shirt as he pulled until he cum all over his fist. Finn quickly cleaned off himself and his hands. He tried hard not to think about the fact his release only came after he heard Poe moaned loudly outside the refresher.

"Poe?" Finn scrubbed his hands clean with a towel as he stumbled out. Poe was curled under the blanket Finn threw over him. The lump was shaking, tiny choked sounds inside that tugged at Finn's heart. 

"Poe," Finn murmured. He settled a hand on where he guessed Poe's back was. He yanked his hand back when Poe moaned, "No, don't."

"I-I…" Poe's face wore two flushed spots on his cheeks. He looked awake. He looked panicked. 

"Refresher," Poe blurted out and he half fell out of Finn's bed, stammering, "No, no, I, don't…I'll…" Poe crashed more than entered the refresher. 

Finn stared at the small damp spot on the bed. _Oh._ He felt his face heat up. Should he change the sheets? No, that'll point it out more. Should he leave them alone? But then Poe might end up sleeping on the wet spot.

Finn decided to use the towel he dried his hands with. It wasn't big, barely noticeable and dried quickly after Finn's attempts to dab on the spot. Then he pulled the extra blanket everyone gets for D'Qar's cool nights and threw it on the bed. 

A low groan seeped into the room. Finn flushed when he realized it meant Poe probably heard him before. He frantically scanned his small room and scrambled for the battered tin that contained his current project. The tin used to hold biscuits which Rey devoured within minutes when Finn wasn't looking. But he couldn't bring himself to throw the container away either.

Finn sat down on the floor by the foot of his bed, his posture deliberately casual as he worked on the lump of wood Bal gave him. He kept it loosely wrapped with a piece of a shirt too torn to be repaired so he wouldn't mar the black and orange veined surface. He wondered if he appeared nonchalant enough or maybe he should pull out his datapad and read, but all that was in there were the training manuals for the next few missions and besides, the light might disturb Poe—

The refresher door slid open a crack. Poe's flushed face peered out. Finn kept his lights dim to help conserve energy the Resistance needed for more important things. But even in the murky light, Finn could see Poe's eyes were bloodshot and anxious.

"Hey," Finn murmured in case Poe couldn't spot him on the floor. Poe's eyes flew to where Finn was by the bed. His shoulders sagged and Poe looked about ready to drop.

"Go ahead and have the bed," Finn added. Poor Poe looked like he could curl up on the refresher floor to sleep. "I'm still on that last planet's time. My brain thinks it's lunch time." Hopefully, it was dark enough Poe couldn't make out his lie.

"Finn," Poe said cautiously. "You're back. That's right, you were gone all week." To himself, Poe muttered, "Of course it wasn't y—"

"Huh?" Finn canted his head towards Poe. "What was that?"

Poe shook his head. He cleared his throat.

"I should go back to…" Poe swallowed. Apparently, even thinking about going back to his room to sleep wasn't appealing.

"Poe," Finn kept his tone gentle but he could hear the plea creep up into his voice. "You can barely keep your eyes open and now your room is on the other side of the base." Finn snorted and let some teasing in, "Despite you apparently not finishing your meals, you're still pretty heavy. I'll need to load you on a land speeder."

"Everything's been tasting funny," Poe muttered. He stayed by the refresher door, clutching the frame as if it was the only thing keeping him upright. He looked unsure, biting his lower lip. "If you're sur—what are you doing?"

Poe stared at what Finn held in his hand. Finn held up the lump of wood, wishing he made enough progress on it to make it look impressive. 

"Thought I would try something new," Finn explained. Poe's eyes stayed on the carving. Finn shrugged. "It was going to be a…um…a surprise for yo—Poe, are you all right?"

Even from across the room, Finn could see Poe was gray with nausea. Finn wondered if he should have taken Poe to the medbay instead.

"For…me?" Poe sounded horrified. His hands curled tighter on the door frame. 

Finn grimaced. Yea, clearly not impressive. Last time, when he left another holoprojector in Poe's nicer quarters, he didn't see the others. Poe wasn't about to swoon over Finn's poor carving attempts.

Finn blinked. Swoon? No, he meant, um…

"I should…" Poe swallowed audibly. "I should head back to my quarters. F-finn, that's nice of you, but you shouldn't. I, we, you and ah…"

"Yea," Finn said glumly as he pulled the wood out. He stroked it with a finger, shaking his hand absently at the heat tickling his fingertips. "Looks nothing like your Black One, huh?"

"What?" Poe now gaped at Finn.

Finn grimaced as he turned the carving around in his hands. The wood seemed to hum under his touch and rippled into his hands.

"I kept meaning to check if the wings are longer than the main part of the fighter or vice versa."

"Foils."

Finn glanced up. Poe smiled faintly. He inched out of the refresher, looking a bit steadier on his feet. "They're called S foils, not wings."

Finn frowned at Poe. "But you call them X-wings."

Poe huffed, still smiling that uncertain way that made Finn want to hug Poe until it formed something brighter.

"Don't ask me. I just fly these things." Poe gingerly sat on the edge of Finn's bed, looking exhausted again. "I thought…It looked like you were making a…" Poe swallowed. "Looked like a hand."

Finn arched an eyebrow at the carving. It did resemble a mangled sort of hand. Well, a three fingered one.

"Okay," Finn drawled slowly. "I didn't think my skills were that bad. Thanks a lot."

Poe half exhaled, half scoffed and wholly weary. "You did all right, I suppose. I'm just…" Poe closed his eyes. "Maybe I just can't be what you…" Poe sighed. "Sorry."

Finn was sure Poe apologized for their distance; after Poe called Finn "babe" and Finn was too dense like a bantha calf to react the way he should. 

"I'm sorry, too," Finn ventured. He glanced down at the carving. He gave it a final caress before rewrapping it. He absentmindedly rubbed his hand on his trousers. His palm felt overly warm like he held it over a fire too long.

"I reacted…" Finn shrugged. "I should have reacted better. I just…I didn't know what to do." 

Poe exhaled. "Despite what some people may say, this is all new to me too, buddy."

Finn's stomach did a flip at "buddy" in the same way when Poe had called him, "babe."

"I uh…" Finn gulped. "The First Order frowned upon us making attachments that might change our loyalties."

"So you've never been with a man?" Poe asked hesitantly.

Finn flushed, grateful his quarter's shadows hiding his expression, even if it shrouded Poe's as well.

"No," Finn stumbled, "I've been with a man. And a woman. You know…like that. It's just, our commanding officers knew we were having s-sex in the barracks and other things. They turn a blind eye. Because, you know…biology and, uh, needs."

Poe made a thoughtful sound, inviting Finn to continue.

"As long as we didn't get caught," Finn gestured in the air, "doing that, we were fine. So we always made sure to keep the lights down, our voices low and get each other off quick." There was no time for fond pet names and warm private smiles. 

"Doesn't sound like much, but it worked for us." Finn wanted to sink into the ground.

"Unless you're caught," Poe murmured.

Finn nodded. "Unless we're caught."

Poe was silent for a long time, deep in thought. For some reason, Poe murmured, "Makes sense," out of nowhere, but he didn't elaborate.

Insides churning funny after what Finn told Poe, he tried to distract himself with the carving, but after another half-hearted scrape on the item, Finn admitted to himself it was a lost cause for tonight. He smoothed a hand over the model, sweeping off curls of wood and tucked the carving back into the tin. He took great care to fit the blue lid over it.

"You kept it." Poe sounded surprised.

Finn held up the tin. "This?" Puzzled, Finn shrugged. "Well, sure, why not? You gave it to me after I woke up and got my quarters." He scowled. "Except Rey ate all the biscuits before I could even try one and then left to be a Jedi."

Poe scoffed. "Don't worry. Snap stashed a bunch somewhere he uses to trade for favors. I'll get you another one, buddy."

Buddy, again. Finn looked over to Poe on his bed. He still looked drained, worn, but his eyes were steady on Finn, his mouth soft and smiling.

"I miss you," Finn blurted and oh, maybe that sounded too, well, it's too late. He said it.

"I miss you too," Poe breathed. He swallowed, his voice unsteady. "But uh, maybe we should go slow this time, huh?"

Finn nodded, maybe too eagerly. He was sort of relieved. "Okay, so I should hold off calling you sweetheart. Got it."

Poe's laugh this time was louder, startled, but more joyous. He was about to say something when his own yawn interrupted him.

"Hey." Finn set down the tin box and he rose to his feet. He scrubbed his tingling right palm down his trousers harder. His arms felt oddly heavy; he could sympathize with the exhaustion lingering on Poe's face. He sat down next to Poe. "Get some sleep."

Poe shook his head, dark curls ruffling up as he tried to shed his fatigue. He looked anxious again.

"I uh…" Finn went over and picked through his desk. "I got you something new to help you sleep. Where is it?"

"Finn," Poe said, sounding pained. "I thought we were going to…" He stopped when he saw what Finn held in his hands.

"I kept meaning to give this to you." Finn made a face as he cradled the modified holoprojector and brought it over to the bed. He felt Poe's eyes on him, strangely wary. "But I couldn't choose which one was better and there was never time because…" Because Poe avoided Finn and Finn let him.

"Because," Finn ended it weakly. He covered the awkward trail off with a twist of controls. 

The holoprojector flared, in full color thanks to the enhancements he made during a lull in training. It was a tiny full-colored hologram, the device slightly larger than Finn's palm.

"Druvas Four," Poe murmured. He reached for the hologram of the purple and black night sky and the stars. "From your mission last week. I asked Trew about it. He thought you were wasting your time in Basic. We talked about you trying for strike forces instead. He thought you would excel in Intelligence. I agree."

"You talked to Trew?" Finn squashed the urge to fully grin. He matched Poe's hushed tone. "I uh, yeah, Trew approached me with the idea yesterday." He held the hologram higher. "Druvas' moons changes color. Look."

The tiny orb in the hologram shimmered green then pink and then settled on gold. Finn recorded it, sped it up and uploaded it into the projector. But then Poe became scarce and Finn couldn't bring himself to force Poe out of hiding.

"Druvas has three moons," Poe said. He traced the shape of the projector. The heat of his finger seemed to seep into Finn's open palm and dispersed all over his body. 

"Moonlight reflects off each other so it's like it's changing colors," Poe continued. 

"When I first saw it," Finn said, "I thought it was…I never saw anything like it. The more I looked at it, the more I couldn't look away." And he had wished Poe was there to see it, too, even if Poe already knew about it. He wanted to huddle with Poe within his bedroll, their bodies pressed closed, Poe's whisper explaining about moonlight hot against his cheek.

The warmth of Poe's finger seemed to swirl and curl hot, steaming, between Finn's legs.

"I thought maybe something like this would help you relax. Sleep." Finn crossed his legs as he gave Poe the projector. "I just, um, never had the chance." He stared at Poe gazing at the holoprojector with dazed eyes, his mouth parted and Finn wanted, oh, he wanted to press Poe into the bed, and…and…

"Finn," Poe exhaled. The sound rippled down Finn's back. Both his hands seemed to burn now and there was a growing desire to put both hands on Poe and see if that taut smooth skin would cool them.

"I know…" Finn fumbled. He tucked his hands under his thighs. "It was just an idea."

"It's a great idea." Poe patted Finn's closest shoulder. "Thank you."

Poe's touch seared into Finn, even burrowed under his scar and Finn couldn't stop the strangled sound from escaping.

"Finn?" Poe leaned in when he suddenly stilled and Finn knew Poe could see the problem returning heated and heavy between Finn's legs.

"I'm sorry," Finn said miserably. "You said slow and I'm going to respect that. I don't know why I'm…" Finn uttered a tightly reined sound. "I'm sorry."

"Finn," Poe bade. "Look at me."

"I can't," Finn mourned. "You're like that moon right now. If I look, I might…"

"Finn." Poe's voice firmer. "Buddy, look at me."

Finn gulped. He turned and peered up at Poe.

Poe was drawn looking, but his eyes were steady on Finn with a look Finn hadn't seen in a while. His stomach flipped.

"What…" Poe took a deep breath, held it and released it slowly. "What do you need?"

Finn opened his mouth. He wanted to say everything. Oh, there was this burning need to do everything to Poe and to beg Poe to do everything to him. His hands felt like branding irons now, the pressure in his cock was a sharp pain leaking at the tip. 

But Poe looked at Finn with that strange expectant look again, like he was waiting for Finn to pounce and Finn could see the tremors going up Poe's arms stiffly held against his side. Slow. Poe asked, no, it almost sounded like he begged that they go slow. 

Something cooled in Finn's core and blurred soft and aching. He gulped down all he wanted to say and choose something…safer.

"Can I…" Finn tried, "Can I kiss you?"

Surprise flickered across Poe's face. His arms relaxed. He lifted them and dropped cool hands on Finn's shoulders.

Finn leaned in, zeroing in on Poe's lower lip, and kissed him.

There was a brief hesitation and Finn was aware of how dry his lips were. He brushed them across Poe's closed mouth and nipped Poe's lower lip. He was going to pull away when Poe groaned, his lips parting.

Finn shifted closer, his hands curled on Poe's shoulders. He kissed carefully, then harder when he felt the warm brush of Poe's tongue. Finn's skin burned as if the lightsaber slashed all over. He pulled Poe closer and Poe's left shoulder bumped into his shoulder. Poe's hands swept over Finn's shoulders. A curl teased Finn's forehead. Every touch was suddenly everything and not enough.

Tongues battling, breaths quickening, Finn felt Poe writhing to draw closer, his bent knee brushing into Finn's inner thigh. 

Finn groaned into Poe's hot mouth, pushed Poe to lie flat on the bed and straddled Poe's heaving torso. His lips never strayed. His kiss grew hungry with each small sound Poe made, every twitch of Poe's body vibrated into Finn and swelled hot and full between his legs and oh, oh, it wasn't enough.

Finn fisted Poe's shirt, gasping as Poe arched up, hips snapping forward, the distinct shape of his renewed erection brushing across Finn's. Finn's mind spun, faster than he could grasped. He was drunk on the feel of Poe's skin flexing under his palms. Finn's hips rolled forward, into Poe's groin and Poe mewled.

"Uhn…Finn…"

Finn's hands were on fire from within as he shoved them under Poe's shirt. Smooth, satin, hot, hot skin quivered under his touch. 

"Poe. Poe…I need—Poe…" Finn murmured, helplessly because he can't seem to think. His hands swept over and over Poe because it felt like he couldn't get enough. Poe was reduced to small noises, eyes squeezed shut, kiss swollen lips parted in tiny pants.

Fire followed Finn's fingers as he traced the sleek line of Poe's back, lightheaded as Poe arched into his touch, his own hands curled on Finn's upper arms.

Poe shook his head and for a moment, Finn was entranced how Poe's curls moved and settled over a damp brow. He lowered his head, mouthed a curl and dropped kisses across Poe's brow.

Finn's cock was somehow painfully hard again, demanding release, demanding he take and take and Poe was writhing under him, all damp skin and firm muscle, shivering and trembling, begging to be fucked and fucked hard and Finn should hurry, before his CO checks in, hurry before they're caught…

Poe gasped, bucked, moaning as Finn's hands roamed lower.

"Finn…w-we…" Poe sounded slurred, but there was a thread of something trembling high as Finn rubbed his thumb over the clench of Poe's entrance. Poe shuddered, moving restlessly under Finn, his fingers digging into the meat of Finn's upper arms.

"Uhn," Poe whimpered. His legs weakly parted under Finn's straddle, then closed, then spread wider. His breathing stuttered as Finn's fingers went lower, to press deep bruising circles into the thin skin behind his balls.

_Take him, take him_ , a voice chanted. Finn's blood pounded in his ears, drowning out their gasps. He rocked frantically into Poe, his erection grounding across Poe's stomach. Poe's fingers curled deeper, drawing blood, sent electricity down Finn's back like lightning struck. Hurry, he needed to hurry. Poe was here, begging for it, wanted it, it was all Finn could want. Now, nownownow…

Finn roughly massaged the puckered hole, over and over as he rutted into Poe's softening groin—Wait.

Poe's fingers continued to hold on, but Poe's eyes were overblown and glazed over, looking like he wasn't quite there, couldn't be here with Finn.

Finn jolted. He overcompensated, hands flailing off Poe, shoulders rolling back and he fell off Poe and the bed itself.

"…Finn?" Poe remained where he was, winded, voice slurred, flat on the bed where Finn manhandled him on to, disheveled because Finn wouldn't stop groping him, touching him, close to pushing his aching cock into Poe and claiming—

Finn uttered a strangled noise. He scrabbled up to his feet, escaped into the refresher and locked the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crap, I think this is definitely going to be more than 9 chapters because I wrote another 3 chunks and they're still all soft and squishy and I can't bring myself to hurt Poe anymore. Sorry. This may not be the ~~droids~~ fanfic you're looking for.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still squishy...

The refresher was cool, which only made it obvious how overheated Finn felt. His cock throbbed. Finn stared down at himself in shock. What was happening to him? He staggered into the shower. He shrugged off his shirt and hurriedly stepped out of his trousers to deal with…it.

His hands and his mind seemed to conspire against him, though. As the icy cold shower rained over him, Finn ran a wet hand through his cock, choking because his erection wouldn't go away. Until his mind wandered to Poe's dusky skin, trim body stretched out underneath him, throat strained as he threw his head back, gasping Finn's name…

Finn cummed in a violent rush that startled him. White fluids splattered the shower wall in front of him. He groaned, the cold water barely a comfort on his skin, his hand numbed as he tried to milk himself dry, trying to finish without thinking about how his thumb could barely breach that tight hole and how it spasm against his touch.

With a whimper, Finn cum once more almost drowning out the tentative knock on the door. He froze, holding his breath.

"You going to come out?" Poe asked, hoarsely.

"Maybe after you win the war," Finn answered, just as unsteady. He cleaned up as fast as he could. If he scrubbed a towel too hard to dry himself off, he told himself he deserved it.

Dressed again, Finn hesitated by the door. He didn't hear anything, but he knew Poe was still on the other side.

"You stopped." Poe was quiet and lower, like he was sitting on the other side.

Finn sat down and leaned back on the door. He imagined Poe's back pressed to him like they were escaping in a TIE fighter again..

"Finn," Poe said, louder, "You stopped."

Finn squeezed his eyes shut. "I almost didn't."

"But you did. Even before I could gather enough brain matter to tell you myself." Poe scoffed, sounding too casual, self-deprecating. "Kriff, if you gone through it, I probably wouldn't have stopped you anyway. After all, I'm not exactly new to any of this."

Finn gulped. He rapped his head back against the door. "That doesn't make it right." Finn's eyes burned. "You showed me I can have a choice now and I almost took yours—" Finn pressed fists into his eyes. "I don't know why I…I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Poe whispered, still audible through the door.

"It sure as hell wasn't yours!" Finn snapped.

"The First Order didn't give you chance to figure out…" Poe exhaled. "I get it now. Finn, I…I get it."

Poe didn't sound like he did. Not really. Finn sucked in a breath, but it escaped as a sob.

"Finn…"

"You said slow," Finn rasped. "And I basically jumped into hyperspace on you."

Poe was silent. And then…

"Are…are you _laughing_?" Finn exclaimed. He leaned back to twist around and glare at the door. 

"Sorry," Poe offered, swallowing back a chuckle. "That was pretty terrible."

Finn reviewed what he said and grimaced.

"It wasn't that ba—you know what I meant," Finn muttered.

"I know." Poe wasn't laughing anymore but there was a warm hum to Poe's voice. "I know, buddy."

Finn blinked hard. "I am sorry."

"I know."

"I don't know what I'm doing," Finn confessed. "Or thinking. I just…before…all I could think about was you. Everything else was just…not there in my head anymore. Just you. I'm not excusing myself. I just…I'm sorry."

"Finn," Poe said, "come out."

Finn set his jaw. "You could just slip my meals under the door."

"That could be messy." Poe rapped the door, close to Finn's head. "Get out here." Poe paused. "I uh…I need the, you know. Too."

Finn blanched, remembering feeling Poe was still semi-hard and— _oh_. He leapt up to his feet and opened the door.

Sure enough, Poe was sitting cross-legged on the floor. He looked up when the door opened. There were smudges under his brown eyes, but his eyes were clearer and calmer as well. He didn't look like he was in as much turmoil as Finn. Finn felt like he was stuck in a perpetual barrel roll in an X-wing.

"Hey," Finn croaked.

Poe rose to his feet. He stood, swaying, his eyes darting to Finn then to the front.

"Hi." Poe reached out to Finn, hesitated before completing the move to settle a hand loose around Finn's elbow. "I'm going to, ah, few minutes."

"S-sure." Finn stepped aside. He made sure he wasn't watching, but when Poe brushed by, that musky scent of male sweat, ionic electrical taint on his skin and the salty bitterness of—Oh, Poe cummed, in sometime during or after Finn. 

Finn almost grabbed Poe's arm, the heavy cloud of arousal thick on Finn's tongue, like he could taste it. He knew if he stayed by the door, he'll walk in behind Poe, push him into the shower and—No. No no no. Don't. 

Finn muttered about clean clothing in the basket inside the refresher and retreated, taking care not to slam the door between them in his haste to escape. He ignored the soft rustle of fabric or the catch of breath as Poe copied Finn and took a quick cold shower.

There was no point in worrying about discretion anymore. Finn stripped his bed, flipping out new sheets and tucking in corners. His hands were automatic, years as a Trooper's rigidity trained the habit of neat and tidy to be second nature. He snapped the covers to shake out the wrinkles and block out the muffled but still recognized moans from the refresher.

Finn flipped out his bedroll next, making a face at the grassy smells he meant to air out before his next mission. But the next mission or training kept coming in after the other.

"What are you doing?"

Finn glanced over his shoulder. Poe frowned at him from the refresher. He changed into one of Finn's shirts and sleep pants. Well, the shirt was originally Poe's. And the bottoms hung precarious off the jut of his pelvis, the material looked loose and worn against the plane of his lower stomach.

Finn's throat worked. He turned back to his bedroll.

"Getting ready for bed," Finn declared. He pounded at the cushion he used as a pillow, probably harder than necessary. His hand stopped burning but now ached from the repeated blows.

"Finn," Poe sounded confused. "Why are you sleeping on the floor? I shouldn't be taking your bed."

"It's fine," Finn insisted. He kept smacking the cushion, his wrist twinging as the pillow refused to conform.

"Finn." 

Finn stopped. Poe sat down on the edge of the bed, his right knee close to Finn's back. 

"You should sleep," Finn murmured, not turning around. "Without worrying about me molesting you in your sleep. Not anymore."

Poe exhaled. "Buddy. I…I trust you."

Finn chewed on his lower lip. He stared at his pillow and the round dent where he repeatedly struck it. "No, you don't. You shouldn't."

"Maybe," Poe agreed and that hurt, even if Finn was the one to pointed it out. "But I need to be able to trust you." Poe huffed. "I can't see myself not doing that again. That's end of the galaxy levels for me."

Finn stared at his hand gripping the edge of his bedroll. He remembered how Poe's body bucked under his hand. His hand curled tight. "I hurt you."

Poe sucked in his breath. Finn heard him breathe in and out slowly.

"Are you going to hurt me again?" Poe asked evenly.

Finn shook his head.

Poe's foot shyly brushed across Finn's lower back. 

"We could share the bed." Poe sounded sure despite the waver in his voice. 

"No, we couldn't," Finn protested. He finally turned around, balanced on the balls of his feet. "I…" He was caught by the intense look on Poe's face. His throat worked and oh, there was a plea in Poe's eyes he couldn't bring himself to deny. "Are you sure?" 

At Poe's small nod, Finn set his jaw. "You'll punch me if I do anything you don't like?"

Poe scoffed. He smiled tiredly as he shuffled deeper into the narrow bed. He gingerly laid down on his back, paused and rolled on to his side, his knees bent towards his chest. The posture looked uncomfortable.

Finn sat down on the half of the bed Poe left him. He reached over, to Poe's side and thought against it. Instead, he dropped a loosely curled hand on top of Poe's head. Poe flinched.

"Sorry." Finn started to pull back when Poe cleared his throat.

"No, it's fine. I was expecting—no, you're good. Feels nice, actually."

Finn settled his fingers deeper into Poe's thick hair. He brushed a thumb on a curl that coiled tight by Poe's temples because it was damp. When Poe only sighed, Finn let his fingers press into Poe's scalp.

"Good?" Finn murmured. Poe only sighed again, but his back relaxed, his tuck into itself unfurled.

If Finn could sit here all night, his hand working the tension away from Poe, it would have been enough. But his eyelids kept dragging down. And Poe's warm back against his hip was comforting better than the thickest, softest blanket.

"Finn," Poe murmured sleepily. He stirred, his hair tickling Finn's palm. "Sleep."

Finn reluctantly eased himself down to lie flat on the bed. Aware of Poe breathing and warm next to him, Finn was now wide awake.

"Finn," Poe groaned. "You're loud."

"I didn't say anything," Finn protested.

"You're thinking loud," Poe mumbled. He rolled onto his back as well, turning to look at the side of Finn's face.

Finn turned his head as well.

"Just sleep, right?" Poe's eyes were murky, his mouth pressed together anxiously.

Finn nodded.

"Just sleep," Finn promised. No bad dreams for Poe. He reached over and brushed his knuckles down Poe's jaw and traced the cut of his jaw.

Poe's eyes slid shut. He captured Finn's hand, keeping it against his chest, pulling Finn as he rolled back to his side.

Hand caught, Finn could only follow and curl up against Poe's back. He spooned Poe, taking care not to press too close. He felt Poe's heart hammering against his held hand.

"Are you sure this is okay?" Finn asked. He stretched out his other hand and set it on top of Poe's head instead of wrapping it around Poe like he desperately wanted.

Poe swallowed audibly and nodded.

"Poe…"

"Just sleep," Poe rasped. "Just…Finn, tell me it's just sleep and I'll be…I'll be okay."

Finn cautiously drew closer, until his chin hooked over Poe's shoulder. He kissed the joint and eased back as much as he could.

"Just sleep," Finn promised.

Poe shifted and past Poe's body, Finn saw the glow of a hologram light up against the wall the bed was attached to.

"I like my gift, Finn," Poe whispered.

Finn kissed Poe's shoulder again. He stayed on his side, his body parallel to Poe, but not touching. He let himself savor the feel of Poe's hand hesitantly weaving into his and keep their combined hands on Poe's chest.

Poe's heartbeat raced briefly then calmed under their hands. Finn let the steady heart song and Poe's even breathing lull him to sleep.

_His skin burned as eyes watched. He felt a body close. He felt sheltered, yet exposed. Anger, rage, bit into him from a large shadow at the foot of the bed. It hung by his feet then loomed closer, reaching like thick unwanted fingers breaching him, piston dry and deep, curling too large, stretching too big to fit. Hurt…Stop…_

Poe jolted as Finn's hand abruptly left their grasp. The bed creaked under him. A body against his back moved. Poe cringed.

"Sorry. Sorry," Finn murmured. He sounded chagrined. "I ended up with the nightmare." 

The bed creaked again when Finn threw himself back down on it.

Poe rolled over to face Finn. Finn's profile looked smaller than he remembered in the dark, in Finn's room instead of Poe's. New room and new shapes in the dark. It was like starting over and Poe felt an unease fading from his gut at the thought. 

"You okay?" Poe offered to this new-yet-not-new-Finn in the darkness. He reached over and touched Finn's arm. It was cold and goosepimples ran up his forearm.

Poe shuffled closer. He quelled the frantic beat rattling in his chest at the proximity. He shifted closer, enough to rest his chin on Finn's shoulder.

"It was…" Finn breathed out sharply. "I thought my platoon leader was watching me. Us. I thought we were caught, and they pulled you away and…"

Abruptly, Finn turned to Poe and wrapped Poe in a bone crushing hug, his breathing harsh against Poe's hair. With a start, Finn let go.

"Sorry!" Finn yelped. "Sorry! I wasn't—Sorry!"

Poe willed his breathing to steady. He spoke slowly to keep his voice even.

"It's okay."

Finn exhaled loudly. "I didn't mean to—I-I…"

"Finn. Buddy." Poe wrapped a hand around Finn's hand. It was cold and clammy. "It's fine."

Finn's hand tentatively folded around Poe's. A beat later, Finn swore under his breath.

"What?" Poe was startled by how bereft he felt when Finn's hand slipped off.

"I must have forgotten to lock the door behind us before." Finn levered off the bed. "The lock light isn't on."

Poe tracked the dark Finn shape lumber to the door. There was a faint taste of his dream, of being devoured, of being watched, on his skin. Poe shuddered. 

"Cold?" Finn gingerly climbed back into bed. He paused.

"What do you need?" The question felt easier to ask now.

"I uh…" Finn sounded embarrassed. "Can…can I hold you?"

Poe blinked in the dark. He dropped a kiss onto the joint of Finn's shoulder and turned around.

The bed shifted under Poe as Finn cautiously curled around Poe. His arms slowly wrapped around Poe.

After a beat, Finn exhaled.

"Better?" Poe murmured. He rolled his shoulders back, into Finn spooning him and felt oddly…safe. Well, safer. 

"Much," Finn murmured. He buried his nose into Poe's hair. "Thank you."

Poe felt Finn breathing, his chest moving against his back. He felt Finn's legs lined up with his, but not slung over, pinning him to the mattress. And Finn's hands. They were clasped loosely with Poe's, their double fists over Poe's heart like a deflector shield.

"Is this okay?" Finn mumbled. He sounded halfway back to sleep.

Poe blinked. Actually, it was. The vibrating wire that was wrapped around his chest was gone. Nothing hurt. And everything felt warm and soft.

"Poe?" Finn started to pull away.

Poe pulled their hands up and kissed Finn's knuckles.

"I'm not sure—no, it's okay. It's great," Poe confessed. He heard the crack in his voice, but Finn understood. He fidgeted closer, his body filling in the spaces hesitation previously made. 

Finn pulled Poe closer and it was different, it was everything Poe had hoped for and thought he'd never get after he gave up and broke it off with Finn. Sleepless nights, waking up feeling soiled and filthy, his body aching while his heart hurt at the loss, Poe didn't think they would reach this point. He thought he wouldn't have this with Finn.

"Sh…" Finn kissed Poe's hair and Poe realized he was making small choking sounds and his face felt hot and too tight. "Poe?"

"It's…" Poe rasped. "It's perfect." He crushed his lips to their hands. He savored the sensation of another next to him, no pain attached as the price. He drifted, soothed and for once, not fearing what he'll wake up to.

"Hey," Finn mumbled as he continued to drop tiny kisses into the back of Poe's hair. "What happened to the hologram?"

Poe stared blearily at the wall. The glow of colors was gone.

"Must have fell off the bed back here," Poe yawned. "Sorry. It's probably broken now."

Finn huffed into Poe's hair. "Don't worry. I took a few images because I couldn't figure out which one you would like."

"How many?"

Finn snorted, his breath tickling Poe's nape. "Uh…Twenty-nine?"

Poe shook with Finn's laughter rumbling against him. He sank deeper into sleep, smiling, letting the sensation rock him back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never written this long before. Halp....


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally, each chapter is Finn and then Poe, but for whatever reason, Finn wouldn't shut up. So this is only Finn, hence, pure squishy. Sorry.

Finn thought he was dreaming because the sensation of Poe warm and solid pressed back to his cock couldn't be real. In his bed. Tucked against Finn's chest, firm ass gently grinding back into what was a morning's semi-arousal. Finn hummed and pulled the dream-Poe closer, wishing he could keep this dream in his heart.

Finn groaned into a head of dark curls as Poe continued to fidget within the circle of Finn's arms. Now his morning arousal was a rock-hard erection that throbbed deep into Finn's belly. Finn bit his lower lip and cautiously rolled his hips forward, pressing into the pants' shallow valley he knew covered the crack of Poe's ass. Finn's throat worked as firm cheeks flexed against the length of his cock. 

With a sleepy groan, Finn rocked back, meeting the roll of Poe's pelvis, sliding his groin down the span of Poe's lower back. His insides were yearning, hungry. And he was too tired to wrap his mind around what he should be doing, All he has to do was hook his thumbs into that loose waistline, tug it over that firm curve, grind into that crack and… 

No.

Finn jolted, waking further. He gaped at the tousled dark head in front of him. His arms ached from where he clutched Poe too tight to him. And his cock…

With a suppressed groan, Finn eased back, his erection aching in protest at the loss of the promised relief. He shouldn't, wouldn't and can't. He promised and even if he didn't, the idea of taking what Poe unconsciously offered—no, no.

Finn was trying to figure out how to untangle his right arm out from under Poe when he felt Poe's weight ease off his pinned arm.

"Did I wake you?" Finn asked, hushed.

Poe, still curled on his side, back to Finn, shook his head.

"No, uh…" Poe hesitated. "I was waking up anyway and felt your ah…"

"Oh," Finn managed. Finn stopped himself from scrambling free, but it was a near thing. 

Poe rolled onto his back. He gazed up at Finn with a weak smile.

"It's okay, Finn."

Finn pulled himself up to sit. He blanched when he realized it meant his raging erection tenting his sleep pants was eye-level with Poe. Quickly, he slumped back down the bed, freezing again and wondering what that would look instead.

"Finn." Poe rolled on to his other side, facing Finn this time. His brown eyes seemed to say so much as they swept over Finn, lingering on the bulge over Finn's groin.

"It's fine," Poe murmured. He propped his head up with an elbow. Now Finn was looking up at Poe, at the dark curtain of lashes that framed Poe's eyes, at the pink curve of his lower lip, at the strong jawline, at the smile that could be soft and fragile despite the determined cut of his jaw, the strong column of his—

"You're pretty," Finn blurted out before he could stop himself. "You're the prettiest man I-I ever—how are you this pretty? I-I…" Finn groaned. He screwed up his face but dared to open one eye.

Poe looked startled, but then his eyes crinkled at the corners, his smile lopsided and hesitant.

"And here I was thinking you thought I was beautiful," Poe rasped. 

Finn wanted to lick the pink staining the tips of Poe's ears. He made himself scoff, instead.

"Nah," Finn thought quickly, "I wouldn't go that far. You do this weird thing, with uh, your ear. Your left ear."

"My left ear?" Poe repeated. His eyebrows arched. "My left ear does a weird thing?"

Finn nodded, unable to stop grinning as he hurriedly thought of what to say next. "Yup. Very weird. Completely disqualifies you from beautiful, but, hey, at least you're pre—"

Finn yelped as Poe grabbed Finn's ears and mock-growled, "I'll show you weird ears" but Finn got the upper hand when he flicked Poe's nose (Poe hates that), and an elbow jabbed someone, a chin knocked, some fingers tickled (not him, no, definitely Poe).

The two wrestled briefly, hands grasping, teasing, legs tangling, their laughter mingling until suddenly it wasn't funny anymore when Finn was on top of Poe, both their erections trapped between their bodies.

Breathless, Finn stared down at Poe, at his disheveled state and thought how much he wants this every day. He set his elbows on either side of Poe's head.

Poe gazed up, just as breathless, his hands curled around Finn's biceps. The flush traveled to his cheeks and there was a stray dark curl sticking up over Poe's right brow. All that tanned skin, down to the low neckline of a worn shirt, stubbled jaw, yet a smooth strong throat. 

"Okay," Finn murmured. "Maybe a little beautiful, Poe Dameron." He shifted, freezing when their covered cocks brushed enticingly and Poe shuddered. 

Poe's throat worked. His eyes closed.

"I didn't forget," Finn whispered as he braced to lever off the bed. "We said slow."

"This," Poe said hesitantly. "This could be slow."

Poe's hands tightened on Finn's upper arms and deliberately, Poe's pelvis tilted up into Finn's groin.

The pressure ignited a heat in Finn's belly, blooming out to spread all over his body. Finn swallowed. His lower back ached with the effort to hold still and slightly above Poe's body.

Poe arched up, hips tilting and pressed into Finn again, just enough to tease, the heat of his body like a solar flare on Finn's cock even through the layers of fabric.

Finn gulped. Even though the raw desperation from last night seemed to have faded, he wasn't immune to Poe's body either. There was something that thrummed in Finn's lower back, hot and insistent, demanding he move.

Poe's fingers dug deeper into Finn's arms. He rocked up into Finn, their covered cocks brushing, careful and yet torturous.

"Finn," Poe murmured. Hooded eyes gazed up at Finn. "Finn…"

Finn's throat worked. He leaned into one of Poe's sway. They both gasped when they connected. Oh, it felt good, like streams of lightspeed zipping behind his eyes. The brief contact flared and died too quickly though.

"This," Finn stammered, interrupting himself with a groan, "this is slow?"

Poe huffed, his hands skimming down Finn's torso, settling on his lower back, fingers slipping under his sleep shirt, thumbs massaging and nudging Finn to arch, to thrust and—Oh.

Poe exhaled shakily, the flush on his face now on his throat, that tempting column of cords and muscle that stretched when his head went back, hips snapping up and…

Finn shuddered as their cocks aligned once more, connected despite clothing and charged hot and electric. The friction, it was so much, yet not enough. He bit his lower lip and ground harder into Poe.

Poe groaned his approval, his eyes sliding shut, dark lashes beating the thin skin under his eyes. His mouth parted as he moaned, under his breath, over and over, his hips angling up and into Finn.

They wordlessly agreed to a pace, a slow rocking motion that felt like the dancing Poe once described to him. It wasn't the arm waving and kinetic in motion kind. There was something almost languid and secretive the way they moved against each other, teasing, touching yet not quite, swaying into each other like it was only natural to drift towards each other.

Pleasure build in Finn, a slow rolling heat unlike those hurried handjobs in the barracks. There was nothing hurried here but it felt just as frantic, boiling low and steady, filling every corner of Finn's mind. Soon, all he could think about was _Poe, Poe, Poe_ and his hips juttered forward, into Poe, faster to meet the almost snappish pace Poe started to take.

Slow became fast and gentle became harder. Finn felt the cot vibrate under them as they rutted against each other. It was a different dance now, something raw and primal, the heat a fire now that fueled the hungry voice in his head. It chanted _"more, more, more."_

Finn wanted to stop, slow down, because they agreed slow. But the sting of Poe's fingers digging into his lower back, the rough scrape of fabric into Finn's cock and Poe's breathy gasps spurred Finn to match the sharp jerks of Poe's pelvis and the weight of Poe's cock against his, oh, oh…

The orgasm startled Finn. Not that it happened, but the intensity of it, like a wave that swept over him, stealing air and sense. His vision stuttered like a poorly recorded hologram and then flared and made everything brighter, louder, sharper as he cum.

Poe groaned, his eyes squeezed tight as his body arched off the bed when he followed. He sagged back into the mattress, his fingers pulling and coaxing Finn to do the same.

Finn should collapse next to Poe, but there was something about the feeling of Poe, loose-limbed and warm crushed under him, panting into his ear. Finn could do without the stickiness in his crotch, though. Or how his sleep trousers stuck to him.

"You call this slow?" Finn mumbled against Poe's throat. He pressed a kiss under Poe's jaw, waited to see how Poe react and kissed that spot again when Poe only sighed.

"Slow," Poe mumbled. He sounded sleepy and spent. Finn liked the thought he has a hand in that. "In comparison," Poe yawned, "That was slow."

In comparison to what? Finn barely registered Poe's lips tracing the line of his jaw as his mind raced. In comparison?

Finn went cold as he thought what it meant, that someone else took what Poe offered, far more than Poe wanted to give. He thought of who it could be, who went a step further than what Finn tried to do last night, who didn't stop himself like Finn did and went beyond and…and…

Finn went from cold to suddenly hot, boiling with fury, a rage at the thought someone possibly…

"Hey," Poe mumbled, face buried into Finn's throat. "It's okay."

No, it wasn't. Finn shook, his hands slipping into Poe's hair and thought, _No._

"I'm sorry," Finn bit out as he pressed his face into the crook of Poe's shoulder, his fingers buried deep into Poe's hair. He cradled the back of Poe's head. Finn's breathing grew harsh. "That shouldn't have…I'm sorry." He shifted, his body aligned with Poe's, shielding Poe, but too late, too late, someone had already…

"Hey, hey," Poe said, nudging Finn back to look at him. Poe's face was still flushed, but that dazed bliss expression was now lined with open concern. And Finn hated it. He hated that whoever hurt Poe intruded on the happiness Finn wanted on Poe's face forever. 

Poe frowned. "I didn't say that to make you feel bad, buddy."

Finn sniffed, mortified to realize his eyes brimmed with unshed tears. He knew it was anger, frustration and utter rage that filled his eyes, but Poe looked like Finn was going to start bawling like a baby any moment.

"It shouldn't have happened," Finn bit out. No wonder Poe was wary. No wonder Poe wanted slow. Someone took what they didn't deserve. 

"It's okay—"

"No, it's not!" Finn snapped and he regretted the outburst when Poe flinched under him. When Poe looked up again, his face was firm, his eyes locked with Finn's with resolve.

"Okay, it's not," Poe agreed. "But it won't happen again." That determined glint in Poe's eyes wavered. "Right?"

Finn abruptly tucked Poe's face into his throat. He hugged a startled Poe to him, his hands gripping Poe's hair and nape.

"Never," Finn vowed. "Never again."

Poe recovered from his shock, wrapped his arms around Finn's middle and hugged him back just as hard.

The mess seemed different this morning. Or maybe it was Finn.

The eating area seemed brighter, the scents stronger and more intriguing. When Finn stepped into the mess, his mouth watered. Suddenly, he was ravenous.

Of course, it might also have to do with the fact Poe was sleeping in Finn's bed, all curled and warm with drowsy smiles. Poe drifted back to sleep while Finn used the refresher, even though he must have felt sticky as well. He grumbled when Finn dropped a damp towel on Poe's face, said he would clean up later, then went to hug Finn's pillow to his face with some odd mumbling about how it smelled better.

Finn caught himself grinning goofily at the curled pilot and tried to rouse Poe again without success. Poe even whined a little when Finn said he needed to speak with Trew. It wasn't enough to get Poe out of bed and Finn couldn't bring himself to deny Poe the sleep he apparently needed. He reluctantly left but promised to return soon with the largest vessel of caf he could find.

Trew was amicable about Finn opting out of the weeklong mission. It was Basic training on a moon Bal recommended that might contain some necessary minerals they need for their Y-wings. Trew agreed Finn was better positioned for strike force training instead. 

Finn grinned to himself as he got on the meal queue. Strike force training wasn't until Major Kees and General Organa return from treaty negotiations and that wasn't for another two days. And Poe returned from a mission so he was off rotation for two days as well, which means…

"Looks like someone won a million credits," someone remarked.

Finn blinked, noticing for the first time, Snap Wexley was in line. The burly pilot grinned, pointing at Finn's face.

"That grin get any bigger and we could land a Dreadnought in there."

Finn snorted as he grabbed a tray and started pulling plates of food from the assembly line.

"Hungry?" Snap said wryly, his eyebrow arching at Finn's tray.

Finn flushed. He mumbled under his breath, but luckily, it was his turn by the caf section so he didn't have to elaborate.

"Oh, I thought you have a mission this morning."

Finn smiled half-heartedly at Bal, who was doing something worryingly complicated with the caf machine. Uh oh. He promised Poe caf and Poe offered…um…something else in exchange.

"Uh, my training track got changed. What's wrong with the machine? Is there no caf?" Finn hurriedly asked. He clutched the tray with both hands. 

Snap muttered what sounded like a prayer under his breath.

Bal stared at Finn for a long moment. He looked at the hyperwrench in his hand and the caf machine as if seeing it for the first time. 

"Nothing too bad," Bal shook his head. He straightened, his large body moving like a mountain as he rose. "I'll have it fixed soon. Might take a few minutes, though."

Finn spotted a large container of caf on the service area behind the machine.

"Could I…"

Bal frowned mildly. "Actually, that's for the mess crew."

"Come on, Bal," Snap wheedled, his eyes crinkling as he smirked. "It's for our commander."

Finn blanched. Wait, how did Snap know? He gulped and tried to look nonchalant as he squeaked, "Yeah, I-I promised I'll bring him back as much caf as I can find."

An odd look flicker across Bal's blocky features. His expression cleared and he smiled faintly.

"Well, since it's for Poe," Bal said, cheerfully. 

Finn wasn't sure why, but something in Bal's tone when he said Poe's name rankled. He squashed down his frown, though. Jealousy was never attractive and punching the man, who's been such an asset to the Resistance was probably…not nice.

The metal vessel crossed over to the only spare spot on Finn's tray. 

"Oh, here." Bal held up a steaming gray bowl. "Saved this for him. Last bowl."

Snap snorted. "Mashed root? Our commander can eat that by the pot. You sure that's enough?"

Finn stopped from making a face. The mashed root was Poe's favorite and the running joke was if you wanted an optimal flying shift, you better save a giant pot of it for him. But the past few weeks, Finn caught Poe grimacing at the taste, giving up after a few bites. And from what Finn tried, he didn't blame him.

Still, Finn wasn't about to refuse any kindness towards Poe. He moved some plates around and accepted the bowl with what he hoped was an appropriately grateful smile.

Bal stared hard at Finn.

"Enjoy it while you can," Bal said abruptly. He grinned, gesturing to the caf and masked bik root. "That stuff gets cold quickly."

Finn thanked Bal, bid Snap goodbye and walked, without looking like he was running back to Poe. He wasn't sure if he was successful.

Poe was dreaming.

No, wait, it wasn't a good dream.

Finn spotted Poe writhing under the covers when he returned. Poe muttered, "Stop…no, wait…hurts…stop…" cutting himself off with a grunt.

Finn set the tray down on the floor and hurried back to the bed. He settled a hand between Poe's shoulders before the pilot accidentally rolled off the narrow cot.

At the touch, Poe flinched. Blanket pressed to his face, a whimper still managed to escape.

"Stop…hurts…"

Alarmed, Finn's hand rubbed Poe's back. Oh. It wasn't about the Finalizer. It was…Finn swallowed. He lowered his head to Poe's ear.

"Sh…it's okay. I'm here."

Poe violently shook, his head lolling left and right on the pillow.

"S-stop…" Poe groaned under his breath. "N-no…Finn…"

Finn edged closer to Poe, hunched over the trembling man curling tighter into a fetal as if to hide under the covers.

"Poe," Finn murmured. "I'm here. Sh…"

Poe shook his head, bent legs twitching, body jerking as he continued to make broken, distressed sounds.

"F-finn…stop…"

"Poe, I'm here," Finn pleaded. "Wake up." He curled around Poe, murmuring reassuring words and wrapped loose arms around Poe.

Poe screamed.

Finn jerked back, his eyes wide. He surged back forward and tried to hold a struggling Poe to him, shushing the keens and choked moans that rose no matter how much Finn tried to calm him down.

"Poe," Finn begged. He burrowed his face into the back of Poe's head. His hair was now matted with sweat.

"Stop…" Poe sobbed, choking on his own cries. He writhed within Finn's hold. "W-wait…I can't…Finn…Finn…hurts, it hurts…s-stop…"

"Poe," Finn murmured, "Poe, wake up. Wake up. I'm here. It's over. Never again. Poe, wake up. Please wake up."

Finn wasn't sure if his words finally filtered in or Poe exhausted himself from his struggles. Poe went limp within Finn's hold.

Finn swallowed. He cautiously hugged Poe closer, his clasped hands over Poe's chest. He felt Poe's heart racing, his chest heaving, trying to draw in more air.

"…'inn?"

Finn closed his eyes briefly. He thanked the Force like Rey taught him. He hummed by Poe's ear.

"Yea," Finn said, quietly so not to startle Poe.

Poe sucked in his breath. He went quiet. 

Finn thought Poe went back to sleep when Poe exhaled.

"I owe you some clean sheets," Poe said, too calmly. "I threw up."

Finn dropped his chin into a slumped shoulder. Poe was soaked with sweat and started to shiver. "It's all right," Finn reassured Poe. "I have spare clean ones."

"Oh." Poe went silent again. Then in a quieter voice, "Finn? Could you…"

"Yea, yea, of course." Finn loosened his clasp around Poe. Poe first tensed as if to pull away, then went boneless as Finn withdrew.

Finn told himself not to get hurt by that and he wasn't, not when he spotted the spots of sick splattered on the sheets on Poe's side. 

"Why don't you take a turn at the refresher?" Finn suggested. "I'll go change the sheets. I've been away on so many training missions, they're overdue for a swap anyway."

Poe stiffly sat up. Red-rimmed eyes looked sideways at Finn. Poe relaxed at whatever he saw on Finn's face.

"Yeah," Poe said wearily. He shuffled out of bed, shaking his head when Finn rose to help. "No. Just…go change the sheets."

Finn's throat worked as Poe ducked into the refresher. It wasn't rejection. Poe was embarrassed, that's all. It had sounded horrible. 

Finn's stomach clenched. He couldn't help replaying the words over and over and that overwhelming rage returned. His face felt hot, too tight, his eyes brimming as he remembered Poe's screams. He heard them on that ship as he was tortured. Finn heard them in Poe's nightmares for the brief time they shared rooms. 

The sheets ranked as Finn tugged them off the thin mattress with a savage pull. The new sheets, a luxury he won in a game of cards off the pilots, smelled like the dried wood he placed over to keep the material crisp and unwrinkled. Poe laughed about it for days that Finn wanted that rather than the credits. Finn refused to tell anyone, even Rey, that the steel gray fabric reminded Finn of the ones on Poe's bed. 

Finn tucked the corners, smoothed out the sheet and made sure he shook out the blanket. As the cover snapped out in the air, Finn thought of how Poe lay curled under it, hiding from what his mind kept torturing him with.

Poe begged for someone to stop. Finn heard Poe never begged during interrogation on the Finalizer. The torture droid even fried a chip trying its best to pry out Poe's secrets. After they resuscitated Poe, he spat onto the torture droid's main sensor. But in his dreams, Poe begged for someone to stop. 

Finn stared blankly at the made bed. He screwed up his face, his eyes watering. He bit his lower lip to tamp down the rage bubbling up his throat. He desperately wanted to punch something.

"Maybe I should go back to my quarters."

Finn lifted his head with difficulty. Poe, freshly showered, hung back by the refresher door.

Finn mentally counted to three. When he felt calmer, Finn gestured to the tray of food on the floor.

"And make me eat all of this?" Finn pretended to glower at Poe.

Poe smiled faintly. He walked slowly like an old man to the bed. He didn't sit on it though. He slumped down on the floor besides it.

"I keep telling you. You don't have to feel like you have to finish everything."

"Hard habit to break," Finn muttered. He slid down next to Poe. "They only feed us just enough so you try not to waste a single tasteless crumb."

Poe grimaced as he considered the tray across from them. "I don't think I'll be much help today." He dropped a hand over his stomach. 

"Too bad," Finn murmured. He bumped his shoulder against Poe's. "Someone saved you a huge bowl of mashed root." At Poe's haggard face, Finn gulped. 

"Poe…"

Poe's eyes slid away to stare at the farthest corner of Finn's quarters.

"I don't want to talk about it," Poe murmured. "Can we just…it's in the past, Finn."

Was it? Finn wanted to ask how far into the past. He wanted to ask who it was. He wanted to ask how much trouble he would be if he tracked down the person and tore limbs off. Rey would help him hide the body. 

"I'm sorry it happened," Finn said instead. He blinked rapidly at the tray past their outstretched legs. He hoped there will be something Poe would like. 

"I know you are, buddy," Poe exhaled. "I just…" He pressed fists into his eyes. He breathed in and out few times. "I…"

"Slow," Finn murmured. His left foot tapped Poe's right. "I remember, Poe. Hope it helps."

"It does," Poe told Finn, his eyes red-rimmed, but smiling. He sagged lower, his head dropping onto Finn's shoulder. "Let's not jump into lightspeed here."

Poe kept asking someone to wait, to stop, that it hurt. Finn wondered who it was, who threw away the golden chance to savor the weight of Poe's head on his shoulder, the heat of Poe's body warming his side. 

"Hey," Poe said with forced cheer. He pointed to the tray. "You got caf."

"Anything you want," Finn said with more feeling than warranted. He rested his cheek on top of Poe's head. "Anything, Poe. I swear."

Poe dropped a hand on Finn's left knee. 

"Thank you," Poe rasped.

Finn dropped a kiss on Poe's hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note I'm no longer sure if it's 12 chapters and rather than changing it every time, I decided to make it "?" because I plotted and plotted and I can't see this resolving all happy (yes, happy? Me?! LOL) in a few more parts.
> 
> What is happening? I never wrote this long before. Halp....


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe's turn. Not as squishy.

Finn's been different. 

Poe made a face as he corrected himself. No, Finn has been the same earnest, determined and amazing guy he's always been. Poe, on the other hand, felt different. He should be joining Finn and his pilots, laughing and enjoying the rare day off before they go back into the throes of war. Instead, he was on the other end of the table, picking apart the dried berry cake Finn got him because it was Poe's favorite.

Finn was currently putting Snap to tears as he described a strike team training session, a love sick nerf calf and an ill-advised time to step out to take a piss.

"…it just came up to Grav and…" Finn cupped his mouth and mooed. He glanced over to Poe at the other end of the table, as if checking he got it right. Poe saluted him with his mug of caf.

Finn grinned at Poe's gesture and proceeded to continue the tale of how they all jumped to Grav's rescue, only to find him with his pants down and—

Snap's howl drowned out the rest of Finn's tale, but that's okay, Finn told Poe last week the very night he came back. 

Poe winced. Finn tried to slip into the bed that night and curl behind a sleeping Poe when he returned from his mission. He ended up with Poe's elbow rammed into his stomach. They ended up in bed with Finn telling Poe about poor Grav's mishaps in low, soothing tones as they waited for Poe's breathing to calm down. Finn reassured Poe he was fine, but Poe spotted the bruise the next morning when Finn tried to get up before Poe to change.

Finn kept looking over, his brown eyes lingering on Poe, open with concern and the same affection that curved his mouth. Finn kept talking with Poe's squadron, never one to snub a friendly face, but he constantly looked over, wondering why Poe chose to sit so far away.

Poe hid his grimace behind his caf. He tamped down a shudder because last night he slept alone, woke up sore and couldn't go back to sleep because every shadow looked like it was hanging back, waiting to attack. He woke up with cum stained fingers, his dick feeling incredibly bruised and with the lingering sense of being watched. He ended up waiting by the landing bay three hours too early for Finn's return. He slept fitfully curled inside Black One's cockpit until he heard the strike team's shuttle descending. 

After two days of sleep-ins, eating in Finn's quarters and kisses edged with hunger (but Finn always drew back), they were back into the endless cycle of missions and training. It was hard to get their schedules in sync; there was so much intel coming in thanks to the new recruits. Even Rey and Luke Skywalker occasionally sent intel to Leia, which meant even more missions. Poe missed the crisp sheets and thin mattress of Finn's bed. Sure, his officer's quarters were bigger, the bed wider (not by much), but it felt empty without Finn. Not that they ever slept in Poe's quarters. Poe preferred Finn's room. He wasn't sure why. He just did.

The nights when Poe slept alone in his quarters were sleepless ones. He kept waking up feeling misshaped and twisted around, his hands stained with his own cum and with fragments of dreams, of Finn and hurting and tearing and the horrifying realization he can't stop, doesn't want it to stop, stop, please, why can't he stop this, he—

"Heard it all before?"

A gravelly voice over Poe sounded like faraway thunder. Poe glanced up at Bal's broadly smiling face.

"Morning," Poe greeted. He cringed inwardly when Bal dropped into the empty seat besides him. Poe wasn't in the mood for company, but he wanted to catch Finn during their morning meal. And yet the entire time, Poe felt like he was jumping out of his skin each time Finn's shoulder brushed against him, a muscular thigh pressed up along his.

"It's a funny story." Poe nodded towards Finn, but Bal didn't glance over. Gray eyes stayed on Poe with unusual intensity.

"Ah geez, I got something on my face?" Poe joked. He made a show of wiping his sleeve across his chin.

Bal's eyes crinkled. "You got it."

Poe checked his sleeve, but there was nothing. He shrugged. "Thanks." Mentally, he flailed for conversation. 

"So, ah, how are you guys handling life on base?" Poe struggled to remember the datapad reports. "Tekkan, right?"

"That's right. You remembered." Bal's thin mouth stretched ear to ear across his angular face. His chin was broad and flat. It made his smile hang on his face looking like a knife slit.

Poe chuckled faintly. He chided himself for not remembering more. Endless reports tend to all read the same.

"You came with anyone else from Tekkan?"

Bal's smile abruptly dropped. Too late, Poe remembered Bal was the lone survivor in the mining settlement the First Order attacked.

Poe grimaced. "Sorry." He patted Bal's arm, suppressing his surprise at the feel of huge rock-hard biceps. Stars, Bal's arms were probably as thick as Poe's calves.

Bal's mouth twitched at the corners. "I appreciate that," he murmured and covered Poe's hand with one of his, completely engulfing Poe's hand.

Poe stared at the thick fingers overlapping his, rough and double the width of his trigger finger. 

_… dry and large piercing, breaching, one more entering even before he could adjust to the first—no, the third tried, wait, he can't…_

"You all right, Commander?" Bal frowned mildly at Poe.

Poe swallowed. He tasted caf and bile at the base of his throat. He tugged his hand free from under Bal's hand. He resisted wiping his hand on his trousers.

"Yeah," Poe rasped. He deliberately took a sip of cold caf and fought not to gag. "Too early in the morning. Not all my thrusters are firing yet."

"Maybe you should have slept in, Poe," Bal observed. His eyes narrowed as they drifted to a spot behind Poe.

Poe chuckled, strained. "Yeah, maybe."

"Hey." Finn sounded breathless like he's been running even though he was only on the other side of the table. "Sorry about that." Finn nodded at Bal. "Morning."

Bal stared up at Finn for a beat. He smiled pleasantly. "Morning. Welcome back. Good mission?"

Finn nodded, but his eyes were on Poe. "Thanks. Kees said that tip of yours panned out. You were right. The First Order completely forgot about that depot from the Empire. There were still a few working blasters and munitions left."

Poe raised his caf. "Sounds like the perfect excuse for a celebration, buddy."

Finn rubbed the back of his neck. He shot Poe a grimace. "Yea, that's what Snap thinks. He's thinking cards and drinks at evening mealtime?"

Poe's stomach flipped. He was hoping for a quiet night with Finn. But no, this was cause for celebration. The Resistance needs to savor each victory.

Ever mindful of his duty, Poe nodded even as his insides churned. 

"Sounds like a great idea," Poe said firmly. He grinned. "And since it's Wexley's idea, we'll use his stash of Belgorian ale." The idea was starting to sound better and better. "I have it on good word, he got a case from a grateful pirate a few months ago. I can't think of a perfect time to crack them open."

Finn smirked, catching on. "Belgorian? Isn't that Empire contraband? I never had it before."

"Me neither but I heard stories." Poe rubbed his hands together. "I should grab a bottle and inspect it."

"Inspect it?" Finn drawled. He folded his arms in front of him. "All by yourself?"

Poe was about to say no, he could use some company when a chair screeched next to him. Poe twitched. Kriff, he forgot Bal was there.

"I should be checking those shuttles you brought back," Bal said as he stood. He dropped a hand on Poe's shoulder. "You sure you don't want to catch a nap?"

Great, Poe felt Finn's eyes on him.

"I have to do debriefing," Finn said. His lips pursed. "You're flying day after, right?"

Poe nodded. His shoulders sagged. "Maybe I'll catch a short cycle in my quarters," he said reluctantly. He was tempted to ask Finn if he could nap in Finn's room. He opened his mouth to ask when Bal abruptly clapped Poe's shoulder hard enough Poe sputtered.

"Oops, sorry, commander. I keep forgetting my own strength." Bal raised his hands, grinned and waved as he left. 

"How can he forget?" Poe muttered. He rubbed his left shoulder. "It felt like he dropped a bantha on me."

Finn eased into the seat Bal vacated.

"Hi." Finn grinned sloppily. 

Poe massaged his shoulder as he glanced over. There was that urge to flinch again, but it died at the sight of Finn's silly grin.

"Hi," Poe murmured, his mouth curving to a smile.

"Got you another gift," Finn said cheerfully. He patted his pockets, missing Poe's smile wavering. "That planet was having a magnetic storm. Our scout in the mission said it happens only every two hundred years. It made the most incredible moon rise."

Oh. Poe almost sagged forward. He recovered quickly and accepted the modified holoprojector.

"If you don't like that one, I have others," Finn offered.

The colored image flared small and bright within Poe's palm. The moon, perfectly centered in the image, swirled red and orange against the ink black sky.

"Colors of your X-Wing," Finn added shyly. "Kees threatened to space me because I kept stopping to take holos, but when that moon started…" He shrugged. A flush rose on his cheeks despite his dark skin. 

Poe wanted to touch that stain and see if it was as warm as he suspected. He glanced down at the holo, the image rotating around and around so no matter what angle, he could see the moon, spinning in place, swirling colors like it was lit from within.

Poe's mouth twisted. Deep down, he berated himself for being jumpy around Finn, who took holos of moonrises now instead.

"Better than flowers," Poe murmured to himself.

Finn heard him anyway. He snorted a little.

"Yea, you don't seem like a flowers kind of guy."

Poe's smile felt stiff on his face. It was an innocent remark. Surely Finn hadn't meant it as—Who was he kidding? Finn obviously desired something, maybe borne from stilted First Order upbringing and Poe couldn't deliver even with the potent flower. And now Finn was patiently going along with Poe's cautious needs instead of satisfying his own desires. And Poe spent each lonely night…And still, he couldn't bring himself to tell Finn he was willing to try and give Finn what he wants. 

Kriff, he was a selfish son of a bantha.

"No," Poe laughed sadly. "Guess not."

"Oh well," Finn said cheerfully. He bumped shoulders with Poe. "Guess I'll just keep giving you moonrises instead." He pretended to sigh.

"Sorry," Poe murmured, too low for Finn to hear. He curled his hand around Finn's gift. He felt his insides twist. "I'm sorry."


	10. Chapter 10

General Statura was falling asleep.

Finn glanced to his left and right. General Organa was listening to Kees describe the few locations the strike team set boots on, the prime spots of attack, which shifts seemed to work best. But Major Trew appeared surprisingly expressionless until Finn remembered the Basics training officer's species has double eyelids and can sleep with his azure eyes opened. Good thing Poe had warned him about that before Finn started Basic training. The first time Finn saw it, he almost tripped over his own feet like the others did.

Finn sighed to himself and forced himself to sit straighter. The Stormtrooper armor was a great escape to nap inside and many were able to do that standing up. Not that Finn ever did that. Well, maybe once. 

There was no way to hide here although Finn didn't have trouble paying attention before. Kees was talking about interesting things even if the rest of the debriefing party didn't seem to agree. However, there was an itch underneath Finn's skin, an ache that throbbed since he arrived planetside and could only watch Poe Dameron from afar. To be fair, it wasn't a huge distance, just across the table, but Finn wanted to desperately press up again Poe. 

Finn missed waking up with his nose buried in Poe's curls, his body almost too warm from Poe's body tucked up against him. He missed the tentative kisses brushing along his brow, the taste of potential he wished he could savor. But while Finn sported a morning erection on those rare mornings they have to curl up together, Poe's was noticeably irregular. Poe shifted and moved against Finn, sighing and his eyes gleamed so dark and hungry, but his cock was often lax. When Poe was hard, it didn't stay long. And Finn could tell Poe was embarrassed by it. Finn never said anything. He wished Poe believed him when Finn said what they have right now was enough. It was. If it was all Poe could give, Finn would take it gladly.

Kees pulled up holos of the strike team's night maneuvers next. Finn thought General Carisa twitched after being immobile for so long. The ordinance officer even looked cornered as if looking for escape. It gave Finn a bad feeling. Debriefing was not ending the time Finn hoped.

Finn glanced down at his datapad. Keeping his eyes forward, nodding to whatever Kees pointed in the hologram, Finn typed a quick private communique on his datapad.

_'I feel like I'm the only one awake here besides Gen Organa. Everyone else looks like they're in a galaxy far far away.'_

To Finn's surprise, Poe's reply quietly buzzed back. Guess Poe didn't take a nap after all.

_'Probably just you. I know for a fact Leia can fool you into thinking she's awake._

Finn blinked. He checked across the control room. The general watched Kees intently, her hands folded neatly on the table.

 _'No way,'_ Finn tapped out. _'She looks alert.'_

_'Is her hands on the table?'_

Finn's eyebrow rose as he checked. _'Yes?'_

_'Trust me, she's asleep or doing some trance thing. The hands on the table are to prevent her from drooping forward.'_

Finn's eyebrow rose when he read quickly. He checked over to the general and she was still watching Kees, even tracking the officer as he went over and pulled up yet another data packet of holo surveys. 

_'No way,'_ Finn typed out. He bit back his grin. _'How would you know?'_

_'Who do you think taught her that trick?'_

Finn gulped back the snort but he wasn't entirely successful. A squeak escaped and Kees paused. Finn cleared his throat and tried to look like he was still listening. Kees went back to his report.

 _'Thanks a lot,'_ Finn tapped, _'You almost got me in trouble. Thought you were going to grab a nap?'_

Poe's reply took longer to return. _'Tried. Wasn't as restful as I thought.'_

Finn grimaced. He suspected he knew why. He almost wished Poe dreamt about the Finalizer again. Almost.

 _'I'm sorry.'_ Finn wished he could offer more. He wished he could reach into Poe's restless nightmares and wrap his hands around the bastard hurting Poe.

_'It's okay. It happened. I'll get past this.'_

Finn clutched his datapad with both hands. All he could do was offer to be there, but there were nights Finn thought he made it worse. There were nights where Poe shook harder whenever Finn tried to touch him. Yet the nights when Poe curled into Finn, muttering apologies and that he'll get past it were worse. Poe should not apologize. And he should not imply it was something he should suffer through alone.

 _'I wish I could help,'_ Finn texted, _'I get why you don't want me there, but I wish I could help you work through this.'_

Finn hoped it was the right thing to say, even if he didn't truly understand Poe's determination to deal with it on his own. Finn wondered if his touch reminded Poe of whoever hurt him. Or was Poe embarrassed Finn saw the agony that wracked Poe every night. Did Poe hate the fact Finn witnessed his tears?

Poe didn't reply. Finn was back to second-guessing himself. Was it the wrong thing to say, after all?

Rey shared something with Finn when he first woke up after his coma, when he commed her in-between her training with Luke Skywalker. He professed he was worried the Resistance might have trouble with his previous role as a Stormtrooper. 

_'The past can only hurt you if you let it,'_ Finn typed out carefully, word for word what Rey shared with Finn. Luke Skywalker was fond of telling Rey this every day. 

The datapad remained blank after Finn sent the message. His stomach roiled. Was it the wrong thing to say? Maybe he shouldn't have implied Poe was hurt by all this? Maybe he should have suggested something else? Maybe he shouldn't have mentioned the past at all?

Finn stared at Kees as he stood in front of a holo Finn thought he should recognize but couldn't. Not right now. His mind raced. The briefing no longer held his attention. He wanted to run to Poe's quarters. He wanted to do so much for Poe. He wished…he wished…

A quiet beep drew Finn's eyes back to the datapad. He didn't care if it was obvious he was no longer paying attention. He eagerly looked at the message.

_'I'm trying to fix this.'_

Finn's throat worked. He wasn't as relieved as he thought he would be receiving a reply. He wished he knew what Poe was certain was broken. 

It was a good thing he didn't throw them away.

Poe stared at the bag on his bed. Actually, he thought he did toss it into the cycle chute to be burned and trashed, but there it was again, tucked under his pillow like a dirty secret.

This…this wasn't anything weird or bad or…anything. Right? It was a few toys Finn thoughtfully made to help Poe…relax. 

Poe grimaced. He reached for the sachet, stopped and sucked in his breath. His hand yanked back.

He's done kinkier things before. Hell, the Wat-Lu colonies? What about that time in the academy? And the guy with the double—yeah, Poe's done wild things. And he had fun. They had fun. It was…fun. These things? In the dark? Stretching and filling him? Nothing. It's…it's nothing.

"Get over yourself, Dameron," Poe said out loud. He scowled when he heard the tremor in his own voice. No, that wouldn't do. 

Poe set his jaw. He reached for the sachet again, curling a fist around the bundle before he could change his mind. He upended the bag and the five carved items tumbled out without a sound.

Poe stared at the black carved plugs, his mouth dry, his stomach churning as he considered them. His hand shook no matter how much he tried to steady it as he plucked the middle size one off the bed.

It was a decent size, Poe supposed, his throat working as he turned it around. He never took a closer examination of it, more than glad to get it out of him every time he woke up and found he forced it deep into himself during his restless sleep. He recognized the sensation of heavy limbs, vertigo and almost drunken thoughts. Finn somehow found the wood where the flowers came from and used that instead. It was more potent, a punch into Poe's insides and left Poe with a dry mouth hangover each time he woke up with one of them deep and burning large in his ass. Every night Finn wasn't there and Poe, dizzy with exhaustion, pulled one out and tried, tried to be what Finn wanted.

Poe dropped the object with a sigh. There were times, Finn's touch felt too large, too firm on his skin and the idea of Finn burrowing into him, that deep, that painful—

No. Poe scowled. It's not painful. It shouldn't be with Finn. There were times he ached for Finn's body on top of him, the feel of that taut skin gliding against him and Finn's mouth around his cock. He saw how Finn stared at him when he thought Poe wasn't looking. Finn wanted him. Enough so he came to Poe every night, left Poe these, all in the hopes Poe could give him more.

Poe picked up the plug again. He felt that familiar heat seeping into his fingers the longer he held the wood. To help Poe relax. The wood drowned Poe's senses with the sensation the air turned syrupy, his skin shrinking, his insides heating up with want. So much want. It was a soup of feelings faster than the overly sweet pungent blossom. Guess Finn was right; Poe wasn't much of a flower guy.

_'The past can only hurt you if you let it.'_

Poe swallowed. He glanced at the clock on the cluttered desk opposite his bed. It sounded like Finn was going to be in debriefing for a while. 

The room felt unsteady around Poe as he stood up. He was watching himself undress and stepping out of his trousers. Nude, shaking from the cold, Poe crawled into his bed. He felt the plugs roll under his knees and where they landed, he wasn't sure. 

Lying on his side, Poe grasped the middle plug again. He held it tight. He forced himself to just watch his white knuckled fist and not think about his other hand snaking behind, his own finger coated with slick.

This wasn't new, yet Poe couldn't suppress the full body flinch as his finger prodded his own hole. The fingertip was cool with the lube. He forgot to warm the gel first. He shuddered as he pushed his finger in, one knuckle and then all the way. He did it quickly. He didn't want to give himself time to lose his nerve. He needed to fix this. For Finn. For both of them. This, this was nothing, Dameron, but everything to Finn. His beautiful Finn, naïve yet determined to stay with Poe, so quick to apologize, so eager to make up for something he was blameless for. Finn didn't know. The First Order and their kriffing controlling—

Poe moaned as his finger sank all the way in and touched a spot that flooded his body with sparks and heat. He thought about Finn doing this to him. His cock twitched and that was a relief. His dick still worked. He'll just have to remind his dick that Poe Dameron liked stuff like this.

Poe twisted his finger in deeper, insistent and—there. That same rippling sensation. Poe moaned under his breath. His cock was half hard now. Remember how it felt, Dameron. It needed to feel like that, not that overwhelming swell of panic.

Poe panted as he continued to finger fuck himself, two fingers now, over and over in hurried stabs. He pulled his fingers out before he cum. He took longer than necessary because he was delaying the inevitable. 

"No backing out, Dameron," Poe whispered. He gulped, unclenched his fist and shakily reached behind him with the plug.

It felt strange sitting in the rim of his hole, pulling at the muscle like a living thing. 

Poe's cock softened. No, no, no. 

_Pretend it's Finn, doing this. Come on, Dameron._

Poe breathed in and out, as steady as he can as he gave the plug a tiny twist and pushed it in deeper.

There was a nudge, a slight burning and then it sank in, inching in with reluctance despite Poe's efforts to work himself loose. It crawled into Poe, that curved hard shaft moving inside him, his entrance burning as the plug's flared base stretched his hole. 

Poe squeezed his eyes shut, tried to calm his breathing as waves and waves of that thick air feeling sank into him. His cock was completely soft now. Kriff. Relax. He needed to relax. He took a deep breath and carefully clenched around the plug. 

Everything was starting to sound strange, foreign, louder around him. The walls pulsed, suddenly a living thing, closing around him. The mattress under his trembling body creaked. It sounded like shrieking in Poe's ears. The air felt sharp, ice shards across his increasingly overheated skin. The door, the bed, the walls have started to creak and groan. He could hear outside somehow, beyond his room, voices, a sharp intake of breath, footsteps that were suddenly as loud as thunder. 

The plug sat too large and too hard in Poe, but he needed to fix this. Finn was right. He shouldn't let the past hurt him or hurt the chance of them together. This, this was nothing. Finn didn't mean to hurt Poe, not like that. Finn didn't know. Poe needed to set it right. He needed to get over himself, get past the weird fluttering panic that struck at the most inopportune moments. 

Poe gulped. It felt like the room shrank around him. It felt like he was in the bottom of a very deep well, exposed and shivering under a heavy gaze. 

Spinning, the room was spinning and his skin crawled, his body flexed with an urge to push out the plug. His chest seized, lungs freezing as the plug felt like it pulsed in his opening. No, he needed to do this. He…

Chest tight, eyes heavy, Poe sank into that familiar haze. He fidgeted, his bare skin throbbing like a thousand hands have reached out to touch him… 

He felt empty. And then…

He cried out. The thing inside him was now larger, so much larger, throbbing as it grew in size.

_How could you?_

Another push and…

"Uhn…" Poe groaned. He twitched. He tried to roll onto his stomach. His ass hurt. Instead, he flopped onto his back and in his ass, the object sank deeper and settled large and hurting behind his bowels.

"Uhn," Poe whimpered. His hands flailed weakly. 

The air thickened around his nose and mouth. Sweet, rotting sweet air filled his nostrils and suddenly he couldn't breathe, only ache.

_I did all this for you…_

He felt his hand creep down to his cock. It was full, hot, too hot…

_Why do you deny me?_

His grip on his cock felt too tight, but it tapped into the swirling heat that filled his dick. His hand moved, even before he could think about it. Up and down, dry palms that should hurt, but only—

"Oh…" Poe moaned. He arched his back and the plug in him shifted. His legs kicked out. "Ah…"

_I want this so much for us…_

"Uhn…uhn…" Poe sobbed as his hand pumped, harder and faster without his permission. His body thrashed, curving off the bed, his feet scrabbling for purchase on the mattress.

_Do you know how much I love the taste of you?_

It felt like he was floating, his body slanting up towards the ceiling, his leaking cock bobbing frantically in the air, his hands weakly beating the bed. He felt like he was going to fall and yet his hips felt locked in a grip that kept him aloft.

_The taste of you…_

Poe wailed as wet heat wrapped around his cock, squeezing and pulling relentlessly. He cummed, endless and burning like his insides were being yanked out through his dick, He writhed, moaning as that sensation ruthlessly continued, pulling his cock.

The plug moved with his helpless thrashing, turning wildly like a gyroscope, tugging his rectum out of alignment, stretching and filling.

"No, no, no," Poe cried, his hips jerking, caught in the weird sensation of hanging in midair, pulled and yanked about. The waves of not-feeling and too-much-feeling crashed over him, over and over, too fast to catch his breath long enough to make himself stop. Because he wants it to stop. No, he didn't want to stop. No, he—stop, he needs to stop. Why can't he stop this? Stop. It feels good it hurts it feels goo—stop, stop, _stopstopstopstopstop_.

_This should be us. This should be mine._

Poe screamed as he cummed again, body bucking hard enough he crashed back into the mattress. He moaned, twisting as the plug in him punched deeper. He felt fuller, too full, oh, he need to pull it out, no, stop…

With a jolt, Poe sat up, one last scream lodged in his throat. He doubled over. His ass burned. His mattress was soaked. He was soaked.

Someone was knocking on the door.

"Poe?" It was Finn. And he sounded frantic. "Poe?"

"Go away," Poe whimpered. He stared blearily at the plugs scattered around him. The middle and the largest one rolled by his hip, sticky with dried slick.

"Poe?" Finn plead. "Are you all right? I heard you scream. Poe?"

Poe panted, his eyes riveted his groin, the bristly dark hairs caked with dried cum. Nausea rose and no, he's not supposed to feel sick. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he feeling like dirt was sinking into his skin?

"Poe?"

"Finn," Poe called out, voice cracking. "I'm…I'm fine. Why don't you…I'll see you at your quarters later, all right?" He tried to gather the plugs but he kept dropping them.

"I'll walk with you," Finn offered. Even with the door between them, Finn sounded concerned. 

Poe forced himself to smile in hopes it'll transfer to his voice. "Nah, buddy. I need a s-shower first."

"I can wait," Finn offered. 

Panic flared. When Poe looked around him, at the filthy tangled sheets, the plugs he still couldn't pick up, something burst inside and came rushing out.

"No, just go!" Poe shouted, his chest heaving. "Just go. I'll see you there!"

"Poe, I can—"

"No, no, damn it, just go! I'll be there later! Please, give me a chance to breathe here, damn it!"

Poe heard the high pitch in his words, tinged in anger, fueled by hysteria.

Finn went silent.

Poe closed his eyes and bowed his head.

"Please," Poe said, voice cracking. "Just go."

"Okay," Finn said, subdued. He sounded like he was pressed to the door. "I'll be in my quarters. Do you hear me? Poe? I'll be there. Come find me. No matter how late. Poe? Come find me."

Poe didn't answer. He gulped air, in and out as he waited.

After a long moment, Finn's footsteps dragged away from Poe's door.

Body aching, his legs barely holding him up, Poe staggered into the refresher. As the hottest water he could set to crashed down over him, Poe sank to the floor. 

"I'll fix this, Finn," Poe muttered. He sagged to a wall and stared at his surroundings as steam rose. It made everything look unreal. 

"I'll fix this for us," Poe rasped.

Poe stayed huddled in the shower and waited to feel like he could breathe again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finn wouldn't stop talking again. Hence, all squish and little else. Sorry. (shrugging)

He wanted to stay.

Finn lingered by Poe's door until it drew too many curious looks. He debated sitting there, on the floor and wait. He even toyed with the idea of just going in. They have the maintenance access codes to override each other's keycards, but he knew Poe would see that as a breach of trust. And didn't Finn di enough of that already? At this point, it felt like they were on a fragile thin layer that would crack underneath them with one wrong step. So Finn left. He didn’t like it, but he left. 

He should have suggested Poe stay in his quarters to wait. Then again, maybe that was too forward? He always let Poe decide and he often opted to stay in Finn's quarters whenever they were both on base. 

But maybe he should have said something anyway to give Poe the choice? When Finn left for debriefing, he hoped Poe was going to rest in Finn's quarters. Was he waiting for Finn to ask? Was it because there was company present? Did Poe mind people know about them? Poe never dropped fond nicknames on Finn again. No more "babe," just "buddy."

He wished Rey was here. But she was off with Luke Skywalker, BB-8 and R2D2 doing Jedi things. Classified, top secret, hush-hush. Kriff.

Finn grimaced as he rounded the hallway leading to his quarters. Something or someone abruptly blocked his path. 

"There you are."

Bal smiled broadly at Finn. He was in his maintenance gray jumpsuit, his top unzipped, sleeves tied around his thick middle. Personally, Finn thought it looked better when Poe did it with his orange flightsuit.

"Kees asked us to upgrade the strike team's gear for the next mission." Bal held up the familiar brown gear pack with a meaty fist. He grinned. "Heard you guys are shipping off tomorrow night."

Finn's stomach fell. That's right. New intel pushed their mission ahead of schedule. He smiled faintly as he accepted his pack with the blaster and comlink. His throat worked. He couldn't reply properly when Bal wished him luck and left, whistling a tune he thought he heard Poe hummed once. 

Finn's quarters suddenly felt too small, too empty when he sat at the edge of the bed and waited. He went to the Mess, grabbed a little bit of everything and came back, but still no Poe. 

When the bowl of spicy bone broth stopped steaming, Finn rose to his feet. He took a step to his door, indecisive again when came the knock.

Finn closed his eyes briefly. He exhaled and opened the door. 

Poe was flushed, his hair damp and curled in tight waves across his brow. He wore loose sleep pants, a worn thin tunic and threw on an old Alliance flight jacket that was cracking around the elbows. He looked like he just stepped out of the shower, which didn't make any sense because it's been two hours. Finn wanted to ask why it took Poe so long, but the wild-eyed look held his question. Instead, Finn blurted out, "You gotta teach me that trick you showed the general."

The haunted look flickered and now Poe looked startled and relieved. He smiled shakily as he walked past Finn to enter the room. 

"Should have warned you about Kees," Poe croaked. "He used to be a lecturer in the core system's schools. Those guys are paid to gab by the word."

Poe abruptly stopped in the middle of Finn's room. Suddenly, he looked like he wasn't sure what to do next.

Finn wanted to touch him, curl a bracing hand on Poe's elbow, but he could see the faint tremors on Poe's hunched body. Poe didn't want to be here. Finn wondered if Poe was waiting to see if Finn was going to touch him or worse.

"I can leave the room," Finn offered, his throat working. "If…if that helps."

Poe shook his head.

"It's all right." Finn stared at the floor. "I could come back later. I should have checked if you even wanted to be here—"

Poe turned around. He grabbed Finn by the shoulders. Before Finn could react, Poe crushed his mouth to Finn's.

The kiss was hard, Poe's lips pushing against Finn's, teeth clashing.

Finn groaned, stepped in closer and opened his mouth. He kissed back, deeper, sucking on Poe's tongue when he felt it slipping into his mouth. Poe made a desperate sound and his fingers curled around Finn's shoulders. 

Finn's arms around Poe's shoulders. He splayed a hand on Poe's lower back, the other hand curved around Poe's hip. He kept kissing. Poe's mouth was hot, wet, tasted like everything Finn thought Poe would taste like and more. He felt Poe's rough jaw brushing against his smooth one, Poe's damp curls tickling his brow. 

"Finn…" Poe muttered within Finn's mouth. Poe grunted, shivering as Finn pulled him closer. He uttered a sound when Finn's hand swept down his back to cup his ass. Poe leaned into that hand, his breathing quickening.

This was different from the hesitant kisses they shared in sleepy mornings. There was a thread of determination in the way Poe angled his head, his lips nibbling deeper into the kiss. His back flexed and arched under Finn's hand. Poe felt hot, like heat of a shower still boiled under his skin. Poe felt sturdy, body moving ever so subtly under Finn's touch. 

Finn's cock was a painful tension between his legs. He tried to ease the ache against Poe's hip, rutting out of rhythm into the jut of a pelvis pressed into him. Finn gasped, trying to think under the heady assault of kisses. In the back of his mind, he registered Poe clutched too tightly, kissed too hard, walking them backwards to Finn's bed a little too fast, tripping over each other's feet. They fell back into the bed, Finn crushing Poe into the mattress with his body and the hurried thrusts of Finn's hips.

Finn rose back to his feet, but he was tempted. Poe felt good under Finn, his hip hot where Finn had helplessly snapped his pelvis into, his erection grinding into Poe's firm body. Poe felt frantic, desperate and Finn found himself helplessly leaning back towards Poe. 

"Poe, maybe we should…" Finn whimpered as he felt Poe's fingers fumbling with his flies. Clumsy hands tugged Finn's trousers down to his knees. Oh, he was going to, oh, he was going to—

"Poe," Finn moaned as callused fingers knead his erection under his underwear. The material immediately dampened with pre-cum.

"Force, you're b-big," Poe stuttered, yet he sounded inexplicably relieved. He continued gripping Finn through his underwear.

Finn groaned a protest, wanted to say…something: about how good it was with Poe's warm lips mouthing his erection through his underwear, how this didn't feel like they were going slow, how soft Poe's hair felt against his greedy fingers, how just the feel of Poe's stubble against his skin made him harder than he thought possible.

There was so much Finn wanted to tell Poe. So much. But the hot stirring bubbling over from the spot where Poe's lips mouthed his cock, kept interrupting his thoughts. He moaned, his fingers digging into Poe's scalp, his legs spreading as wide as his trousers around his knees allowed. He stepped in closer, his legs pressing into Poe's space and felt the frantic tripping breath rattling in Poe's chest.

"Poe," Finn groaned even as he arched towards Poe's mouth. "We should…"

It wasn't clear if Poe pulled him down to the bed or Finn's knees finally gave up the battle to keep him upright. He grunted as he collapsed on top of Poe again, pressing the man into the bed, Poe's face now somewhere in the vicinity of his chest, which was a shame except now Poe nibbled his way up to—Oh.

"Uhn," Finn gurgled as Poe's teeth scraped lightly over his shirt, over his left nipple and caught the edge of the nub.

Finn curled over Poe's head, his hands roaming down Poe's spine to grasp palmfuls of firm ass.

Poe shuddered and for a dizzying moment, Finn feared he would stop when Poe attacked his covered right nipple with renewed fervor.

The feel of Poe underneath him, rocking up along the length of Finn's body was tantalizing. The clothing between them bunched up, rucked up fabric that added a texture and a different sort of friction. Finn found himself grinding into the ripples and folds that held the hint of the musculature of Poe's body underneath.

It was torture yet intoxicating at the same time. Finn drank in the feel of Poe, the solid heat of his body bucking up to him, his buttocks flexing in Finn's grasp, the jerk and twist of his hips. He craved more, wanted to run hands on bare skin and soak in the heat of Poe's body, but this, oh, he didn't expect how good this felt too. The sensation of Poe's mouth expertly kneading his clothed body, his fingers clawing his biceps in a death grip, body rigid yet still somehow trembling, breath gasping, shivering against Finn like—

"Wait…" Finn gasped. Alarm trickled in, replacing the haze that roiled in his belly. 

Poe didn't act like he heard Finn. He huddled into Finn, his mouth traveling up to Finn's throat where Finn felt his shallow gasps tap his skin like rapid fire.

"Poe." Finn registered his erection grounding into Poe's hip, but Poe didn't do the same with the leg Finn slotted between his. In fact, Poe's cock was soft when Finn's leg rubbed against him. Finn leaned in and Poe's body seized in an aborted convulsion before Poe surged up towards Finn's mouth with a desperation Finn knew did not match his.

Finn pulled back. Tried. Poe kept kissing over his protests.

"Poe, we—oh, no wait. Poe, we shouldn't—Poe, stop, I can't…" Finn can't take advantage. He can't ignore what Poe's body was crying out for Poe to heed. 

"Poe. Wait. Stop. I can't…"

Poe froze. 

Too late, Finn realized what it sounded like and what he must have unintentionally echoed. Before he could clarify, assure Poe it wasn't what it sounded like, Poe shoved him back. Hard. Caught off guard, his trousers still around his hips, Finn crashed to the floor with a yelp.

"Kriff!" Poe pushed up from his elbows, struggling to get up with his awkward sprawl on Finn's bed. He looked like he was about to become sick.

"It's fine," Finn said although he supposed it would be more convincing if he wasn't on the floor, his elbow deep in spilled spicy green broth. His eyes watered from the broth. Only Poe could stomach that bowl of fire soup.

"Finn. Force, I wasn't…" Poe stared down at Finn, his eyes wide, his face bleached white. He stayed where he was, upper body held up on the bed by his elbows, his legs folded awkwardly over the bed, threatening to drag Poe to the floor.

"I'm okay," Finn said quickly as he scrambled to his feet, a fist on his sagging trousers, the other a placating hand towards Poe. "I wasn't saying stop because I didn't want it. I wanted it. I really did…"

Finn realized Poe's eyes were on Finn's crotch as he yanked his trousers back up and tried to zip up without hurting the erection that just wouldn't go away. It didn't help that his underwear clung to his dick, damp because Poe's mouth was—he needed to stop thinking about that right now.

"It's fine," Finn finished weakly. He finished fixing his trousers and hobbled bow-legged over to Poe, who sat up and slumped over with his face in his hands.

"I…" Poe rasped. He took a deep breath. "You said stop. I should have…"

Poe's hands curled into his own hair, yanking at tufts of unruly curls as he gulped. His breathing stuttered when Finn carefully sat down next to him.

Finn made a point not to touch Poe. "Were you even…"

Poe choked out a strangled sob. He shook his head. 

Finn swallowed, acutely aware of his own erection uncomfortably trapped in his trousers. He wished it would go away completely when he caught Poe's eyes flick over to his groin between his fingers.

"Sorry," Poe sighed. "Sorry."

It wasn't right. Poe shouldn't be the one to apologize, but Finn doubted Poe wanted to hear Finn's. He took a deep breath.

"Can I touch you?" Finn asked hesitantly.

Poe paused, his face still in his hands. He started to nod, then shook his head. Then, with a groan, Poe turned into Finn, his head butting into Finn's left shoulder, his arms around Finn's middle.

It was automatic, an instinct to bring his arms up and wrap them around Poe's shoulders. Finn kept them loose though only tightening them after Poe burrowed closer into Finn, his face pressed over Finn's heart.

They sat on Finn's bed, Poe's breathing the only thing audible in the space. It was ragged, slow as if Poe held every other breath.

Finn kept his own inhales and exhales measured and quiet, unwilling to disturb whatever peace that hung over them. It felt like Poe needed it and Finn felt a little better for it, that he could provide some sort of safe harbor. 

After a few beats, Poe's head shifted, settling to rest on the crook of Finn's shoulder. His breathing sounded calmer now, but he remained quiet. He kept one arm around Finn's lower back, the other bent and limp over his lap, his palm turned up.

Finn left an arm loose over Poe's shoulders. He caught Poe tracking his other hand as it drifted over to drop into Poe's open one. Before Finn could ask if it was okay, Poe exhaled unsteadily and laced their fingers together.

"I thought I could fix…" Poe nodded jerkily towards his own crotch. He gripped Finn's hand tighter. "But I shouldn't have…Sorry."

Finn bit his lower lip. "Did it help?"

"Finn," Poe said sharply. "That's not the point. I shouldn't have…"

Poe pulled his hand out of their combined grasp and straightened up, away from Finn's shoulder. He scrubbed his face with his hand. 

"Finn," Poe said hoarsely, "I know we haven't talked about it in so many words, but even if we're…together, we don't, we shouldn't…"

Poe exhaled again, sharper and short. It sounded like it hurt and came somewhere deep, like it was gutted out of Poe. 

"You mean we shouldn't do what I did before," Finn whispered to spare Poe from finishing. His arm dropped from Poe's shoulders. His eyes burned at the corners as he thought about that night, a breath away from violating more than just Poe's body but also the connection they shared. His throat worked.

"You shouldn't be the one apologizing," Finn croaked. "I don't know what I was doing, why I couldn't stop and—"

"Finn," Poe said in a gentle voice Finn thought he didn't deserve. "You did stop."

"Eventually," Finn bit out.

"Still counts." Poe rested his elbows on his knees. He stared at the ground. 

"Poe." Finn wished Poe would look his way, but maybe it was better if he didn't. "Whatever you want. Remember? Even if we never do anything more, I don't care. This, anything you want to have with me, that's more than enough." 

"But you want to fuck me." Poe gave Finn a sideways look. His mouth twisted. 

Finn swallowed, his mouth dry. He shook his head. "Not if you don't want it."

Poe hummed. He studied Finn, his expression deliberately. "You can't tell me you didn't think about it."

Every night. Every morning. But Finn didn't dare say it.

Poe dropped a hand on Finn's knee closest to him. He rubbed the joint, his face thoughtful.

"Poe, I won't lie. I have thought about it. But we don't need it. Or you could…" Finn gestured to himself.

Poe scoffed sadly. "Buddy, that would require…" He waved angrily at his lap. "Not all thrusters are firing. I tried…before…and I…I…" 

Poe abruptly covered his mouth with his hand.

"Before?" Finn prodded. "You mean before you came here?"

Poe muttered under his breath. 

Finn's stomach churned, unease tightening around his chest.

"Poe," Finn said slowly. "What did you do?"

"What does it matter?" Poe breathed out. "All it proved was everything works in some kriffed up way, but the moment we, I mean, you and I, I just…can't!"

At the last word, Poe jumped up to his feet and began to pace.

Finn watched, his throat tight. "Poe, do you want this?"

Poe halted. He spun around, his eyes wide.

"I wanted this, us since…" Poe lifted his hands and dropped them back down. He smiled faintly at Finn.

"I can't even remember a time when I didn't want you." Poe grabbed his hair with a hand, the other gesturing towards himself with an angry wave. "Which makes this all the more…"

Poe made a frustrated noise. He dropped back down next to Finn. The bed bounced under them. 

Finn took a deep breath, debated and carefully reached out to curl a loose hand over Poe's knee.

"Before," Finn ventured. His throat worked. "You might think you can get past it, but your body remembers." He dropped his eyes. "There are times my body thinks I'm still in that armor."

"Finn," Poe breathed out. "This isn't something that was instilled into you since you were a child. This was just a matter of weeks. It wasn't a lifetime. I…" Poe's head dropped down.

Weeks? Finn felt ill. Whoever it was had tormented Poe for weeks. Then Finn brought it all back that night. Finn blinked rapidly, trying to get Poe back into focus despite the stinging in his eyes.

"What I did to you," Finn whispered, "Probably felt like a lifetime, though."

Poe patted Finn's hand on his knee.

"I'll fix this," Poe muttered. "I can fix this. I'll just keep trying and…" He gulped and his hand slipped off Finn's. "But if you can't wait. I-I understand."

"I don't," Finn blurted out. "Who says I can't wait? Poe, I'll wait forever. But why are you trying to fix anything? Why is it on you? Why do you have to do this by yourself? I know I…but can't I help? Somehow? This is on me!"

Poe's head hung low. He shook it, weary and whipped, slumped over in a defeat Finn didn't see even on the Finalizer. He did this. He should be fixing whatever Poe felt needed fixing, not Poe.

"Finn, how can you fix this?" Poe said tiredly. "I'm the one who can't take your touch whenever we try to…" Poe looked at Finn, his face anguished. "Don’t you get it? I want you. You don't know how much I want you yet each time you touch me I keep waiting for the hurt to come next and then my whole body's just…"

Finn closed his eyes. Poe's words hurt, but he suspected it didn't hurt as much as what Poe must have endured. Weeks? Force. Finn wanted to grab Poe and pull him in, bodily shield Poe from…from everything.

"I'm touching you now," Finn said timidly. "How are you feeling about that?" He pressed his hand into Poe's knee as a reminder.

Poe traced Finn's hand with his trigger finger, the tip calloused and oh, Finn squashed down the stray thought of that rough patch skimming over his dick.

"It's okay," Poe murmured. He folded his hand over Finn's fingers. "In fact, it's good."

Finn squeezed Poe's stiff hand and felt the hand relax.

"It's a start," Finn said tentatively. "Right?"

Poe smiled faintly back at Finn and nodded. 

Finn tugged Poe to him. Hope stirred when Poe relaxed against him, his hand not letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter (thursday) will be all Poe's. He deserves a turn.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe's POV. Angst. Minor squishy. Dropping hints like dead flies. LOL.

Poe was torn between staying where he was and listening to Finn breathe or go into the refresher and punch something, like his image on the reflective glass in there. 

Finn murmured something indecipherable, his arm drifting to settle loose around Poe's middle.

"Is this okay?" Finn asked tentatively, so uncertain that the urge to punch something (his own face) was overwhelming.

Not trusting his voice, Poe nodded. Finn surprised Poe with a light kiss on top of his head.

Maybe he'll just stay right here.

Poe soaked in the feel of Finn's left hand on his knee. Finn was rubbing tiny circles with his thumb, somehow pinpointing a spot that bothered Poe since he clipped his X-Wing with a TIE fighter because his cannons were busted. He mentioned it to Finn in passing; rainy days made his knee stiff. Somehow, Finn remembered.

Gentle, round and round, Finn's administrations were hypnotic. How bizarre, Poe thought drowsily. He remembered that hand feeling much rougher, larger and pushing in, stretching and…

Stop it, Poe told himself. He told Finn it was the past and he wasn't helping the situation by revisiting something neither one of them intended. Finn was trying. In fact, he was like a whole different person, yet not really because Finn was just as good of a man as when he pulled off his helmet and confessed he needed a pilot. 

Poe covered Finn's hand, stopping the massage.

"Sorry," Finn said, hushed to keep the sleepy peace around them intact. "Was that…"

"It's fine. I just…I want to try something," Poe murmured. He pulled Finn's hand closer. He hesitated and then tugged Finn's hand towards his chest. 

"Poe…" Finn's strained voice reminded Poe of the telltale bulge in Finn's groin they were ignoring all this time. It subsided, no longer straining the seams of Finn's loose trousers, but it was still there. The sharp tang of pre-cum never went away.

Poe guided Finn's hand over his heart, then, after a steadying breath, he steered Finn's hand to press into his pec, grounding the heel of Finn's hand over a nipple.

Finn's breath caught, He tugged at his hand, a feeble attempt to pull back that died when Poe pushed Finn's hand harder into the covered nub, mimicking the soothing circles on his knee.

Message received, Finn's thumb traced the nub, rubbing the fabric into the sensitive spot and yea, very sensitive because Poe could feel his nipple hardening under the gentle motions.

"Are you sure?" Finn murmured. He let Poe guide his hand, setting the pace. Finn stared at his own thumb, his eyes dark and gleaming bright as he watched his hand coax the nub to peak, a hard point straining the fabric.

Poe didn't answer Finn. Wordlessly, he moved Finn's hand to the other.

Finn turned completely towards Poe now, easing the strain of his captured hand. His eyes traveled up to Poe's, searching, asking.

Poe smiled reassuringly or at least he hoped he did. He continued holding onto Finn's hand by the wrist, continued to use that warm palm to knead into his pecs, massaging his nipples that sent heat spreading across his chest.

It was gentle and that wasn't something Poe thought ever appealed to him much. He was used to the hasty messy tumbles of sex. War didn't invite the luxury of leisure sex. But right now, it felt good to be handled so soothingly. Actually, it felt really good. His body shuddered for an entirely different reason. He felt like he wanted more and he hasn't felt like that in a while.

"Poe," Finn beseeched, his eyes wide, brow furrowed, "Are you sure about this?"

"I'm…" Poe bit his lower lip. He closed his eyes and felt Finn's hand on him, passive under Poe's power despite feeling like it brimmed with potential hurt. He opened his eyes again.

"It's good," Poe murmured, wondering. "I…" Suddenly, he felt uncertain. "Are _you_ okay with this?"

Finn's throat worked. He leaned in more, his hand remaining in Poe's grip.

"Show me," Finn whispered. "Show me what feels good to you."

Poe felt like he didn't know anymore. The thought of hard and dirty now made his insides roil. 

Poe pressed Finn's hand over his chest, applying pressure. Just once but Finn understood. He continued rubbing deep strokes into Poe's shirt, over his pectorals, soothing motions that Poe leaned into more and more. 

Finn's other hand was guided to the back of Poe's own neck. Immediately, Finn kneaded Poe's nape, just as gentle, his thumb tracing the knobs of his spine that disappeared into the back of his head.

Finn's touch felt…different although Poe supposed it was because Finn kept his hands where Poe directed them to. They were broad, but careful, making sure their touch didn't hurt. They skimmed instead of grabbed, reading the shape of his body rather than try to bruise and stretch it into something else. 

It felt…different. Nice. Cherished. 

Poe's stomach clench in a different sort of anticipation that loosened the tension in his lower back, coaxing him to arch into Finn's hand on his chest.

Finn whispered under his breath, a hint of awe in his voice as he shifted even closer, murmuring sounds than words. He stared at Poe and it suddenly occurred to Poe they weren't in the dark.

"Did you want the lights closed?" Poe breathed out, his eyes flicking over to the wall controls. Finn has one of the newer rooms. A simple voice command and the room would shroud into darkness. 

Finn frowned mildly as his hands swept across Poe's chest and nape in gentle strokes.

"What?" Finn sounded distracted. He shook his head and his voice firmed. "No. I…I want to see you." His brown eyes flicked up to Poe. "I mean, if that's all right?"

Something squirmed on Poe's stomach he vaguely recognized as excitement and relief. He nodded and leaned into Finn's palm pressing slow circles on his chest. Strong fingers massaged the back of his neck. Poe wasn't sure which touch he wanted to lean into. That faint quiver of heat trickled off the points of Finn's touch and he wanted…he wanted more.

Something stirred deep. Oh. Poe shuddered, his eyes sliding shut. This was good. This feels good, Dameron.

"Good?" Finn asked, smiling when Poe nodded again. Finn wiggled closer and Poe shifted, meeting Finn halfway.

Their thighs pressing together, bodies turned towards each other. Poe kept his hand over Finn's but stopped guiding it. His other hand drifted towards the soft bulge in Finn's crotch.

"Poe." Finn protested faintly, groaning when Poe's finger skimmed the line of his cock in his trousers. Finn's hips jerked up. Finn bit his lower lip. "This should be about yo—uhn…"

Poe wasn't too conceited to think his touch was enough to set Finn off. Poor Finn's erection faded but was still impressive and clearly sensitive. One of them should have some relie—

"Ah," Poe whimpered when Finn's thumb caught the edge of a raised nub, a mild sharp touch that reminded Poe how much he used to like being touched there. A weight swelled between his legs, a stretch that made his hips snap up into Finn, or tried.

"Like that?" Finn murmured. He smiled hesitantly and repeated the move, catching Poe's right nipple with his thumb and index. A tug, a sweet tease, and he rolled the nub under Poe's shirt and—

"Finn," Poe moaned. He gripped Finn's hand and felt the tiny flexes of Finn's hand as it rubbed and pinched. "Good…uhn…" His hand dropped and splayed on his own stomach to see if he could feel the quiver inside. He didn't dare to go lower to check. His other hand gripped harder the shape of Finn's cock. And that was all it took. 

Poe felt a gush of warmth, heard Finn's choked off whine and he felt guilty for making Finn cum in his pants. He also felt a thread of jealousy because it felt like ages ago when he was able to do that himself.

But the sound of Finn as he cum, the dazed astonishment Finn always displayed every time, Poe did this. An echoing heat rippled down his body and coiled in his belly, stirring, filling…

Poe twisted, knees bumping as he hunched forward, pulled Finn's hand off his aching nipples and guided Finn's hand behind him.

Finn's other hand slipped off Poe's nape and caught Poe's wrist. "Are you sure?"

"Please," Poe panted. "Don't stop. Keep going."

Finn's breath stuttered as he let Poe tug his left hand behind him, finishing the journey when the angle prevented Poe from continuing. Finn's hand felt twice as big as it swept down Poe's back, unbelievably hot even through his shirt. The air stilled as it lingered on Poe's lower back, waiting for permission, which Poe granted with a groan as he stretched halfway across Finn's lap, his lips tracing the line of Finn's jaw. Finn exhaled, sharp and quick before his hand slipped down the rest of the way and palmed the top curve of his ass. After a pause, Finn pressed down.

Poe's jaw flex. He kept his focus on the smooth taut rich brown skin under his mouth. Finn's hand felt huge, but strangely not as huge as before. How was it poss—it was those kriffing flowers and the dark. 

The heat of Finn's palm soaked into Poe's trousers. Poe couldn't help but flinch, but he recovered quickly, his hands curling over Finn's shoulders so they wouldn't be free to push Finn's away.

It was only a hand. Finn said he'll stop. It's different. He wasn't curled pinned on the bed, naked and punch drunk with those damn flowers. He could stop this whenever he wants. Finn promised never again. Never a—

"Oh," Poe breathed as Finn's hand traveled lower. It cupped his buttock, over the seat of his trousers. Finn's fingers curled, pressed into muscle, the heel of his palm working deeper.

"Okay?" Finn murmured as he continued to knead Poe's right cheek in slow massaging strokes.

Poe nodded. There was a stitch caught in the base of his throat. He wasn't sure what sound wanted to escape.

"Poe," Finn plead, "I need to hear you say it. Are you okay?"

"More," Poe managed. He hitched up his right hip, his hands suddenly clumsy as he fumbled with his flies. He was halfway draped over Finn's lap in order to lift his butt high enough for Finn to pluck his trousers lower, tugged the waistband of his under shorts until they both exposed his cheeks. Barely. The two waistbands sat uncomfortably under the lower curve of Poe's ass yet it was reassuring to know he wasn't completely expo--

"Uhn…" Poe heard himself as Finn's hand moved to cup his bare cheek, fingers still stroking in gentle circles like they were writing code on his skin. Heat from skin to skin flared.

"You feel good," Finn encouraged. "So good…"

Poe curled into Finn, his knees now over Finn's thighs. He wildly thought about straddling Finn's lap to give Finn better access, but this…this warmth curling in his belly and pooling in his groin was enough. 

Finn squeezed Poe's right cheek before moving on to the left, kneading and gripping as if memorizing the shape.

It was a slow and tantalizing touch. Poe could feel one of Finn's knuckles brushing along the side of his hole, skimming the ridged edge as he cupped his buttock. Sparks rippled at each accidental touch and Poe thought about that touch lingering, maybe pressing in, that knuckle breaching him, then another…

A mix of apprehensive and shame seeped in. Just a little, reminding Poe how quickly they lost control, how quickly things went from pleasure to humiliating pain. Even when he tried with the plugs, things escaladed out of his control and it felt good but it also hurt, hurt hurt hurt and he wanted it to stop and not stop and things went faster and faster and his body writhed and he couldn't tell if it was pleasure or pain anymore and…

"Shhh," Finn shushed. He was suddenly pulling Poe off his lap, shoulders hunched over Poe, his hands now wrapped around Poe's fists shaking over his crotch. He kissed Poe's temples. Again and again, pulling Poe out of the swirl of flashes and Poe discovered he was wheezing. His body had gone rigid, but his dick went completely soft.

"Damn it," Poe bit out. Finn shushed him again. "Kriffing…damn it."

"It's okay," Finn murmured.

"No it's not!" Poe shouted. He growled, kicking out and something caught the toe of his right boot. A knapsack tumbled across into a tray of food on the floor. Abruptly, something in the pack poofed and a trail of black smoke filtered out.

The two men stared at the pack, now on fire, the tray underneath bubbling and gurgling as food cooked.

"Aw kriff," Finn groaned. "That's right. I spilled soup before. Must have shorted out the blaster."

"What," Poe tried, still caught in the vise around his chest that made talking difficult. "Blaster? Soup?"

Finn dropped a small peck on top of Poe's head. He untangled himself from their hold and stumbled to the mess. He put out the small fire with a few stomps of his boot. He stared down at the smoldering pile of food and gear with dismay.

"Oops." Poe winced. He took advantage of Finn's distraction to yank up his trousers. He pulled them up harder than necessary but probably deserved. He grunted.

"Poe…" Finn heard Poe's pained response and was now looking at Poe instead. He looked like that hurt him more than Poe.

"I'm fin—no, okay, I'm not, but…" Poe slumped, his fingers curling into his flies, stopping short of finishing. He glowered at his still exposed groin.

"Poe…"

Poe shook his head, hard enough it felt like he pulled a few abrupt Gs.

"Blaster?" Poe prompted. He hated how they could both hear the pathetic plea in his voice.

Finn sighed and okay, that sounded worse. Poe wanted the room in the dark now. 

"For my mission tomorrow night." Finn scowled at the mess below. "I was going to inspect my gear but I forgot and left the pack by the bed."

Distracted because kriffing Poe Dameron couldn't get it up without going into hysterics first. Maybe he should have brought over the plugs and ask Finn to try what they did again and shove the largest fist of wood up his useless asshole and just fuck past his damn bellyaching and…

"Poe? Poe!"

Poe found his face squashed into Finn's shoulder. He squeezed his eyes shut, mortified to hear his breathing thin and shrill up against Finn's left ear.

So close. They were so close. Damn it. Damn it.

Finn grunted as a stray fist struck his stomach. Then on his arm. And his leg. They were weak punches and Poe meant to strike his own groin more than Finn, Finn didn't deserve it, hell, First Order deserved it all, but maybe him and his screwed up body as well—

Finn tugged Poe off the bed into his hunched body as he pulled them to sit on the floor. He murmured, "Okay. Okay" as Poe feebly struck anything he could before giving up to howl angrily into Finn's shoulder.

Poe wasn't sure how long his tantrum lasted. Worse, he couldn’t deny it was a stupid tantrum and knowing Finn, he'll be too kindhearted to agree it was. He would just roll with the punches (literally).

This was wrong. Poe wanted this. He had wanted this so long. Each night, he should have just relaxed, let those damn flowers put him under, he should have stopped fighting, relax Dameron, relax, kriffing should have tried harder, use the larger one, or…

Finn was talking rapidly over Poe's strangled noises into his shoulder. He hugged Poe, but loosely, as if afraid anything harder would shatter Poe. And wasn't that a joke? Poe barely got through Kylo Ren rummaging through his mind with a knife, but he made it. He stopped feeling like Kylo was constantly standing behind him, thrusting dirty fingers into his mind, digging, stealing, no, no, he survived that. He can survive this. Damn it, get it together, Dameron!

"All right, all right," Finn murmured, his cheek on top of Poe's head. He was rocking them both although Finn didn't act like he was aware of it. He talked, awkwardly, tripping over his words, but kept them low. He kept talking, switching topics, from Rey to suspecting Tells hiding biscuits to some tree planted on base to the horrible green jumpsuits the mech crew now wears he swears makes them all look like those mythological Siths. He kept talking into Poe's hair, his hands sweeping soothingly down Poe's arms and shoulders, rocking them like he was trying to coax Poe to sleep.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," Poe muttered when the torrent of thoughts in his head finally calmed. It no longer felt like Kylo Ren was stirring up his brain with a spoon. He sensed his arms were wrapped around his own middle. His folded legs felt numb. His face felt funny and there was a damp spot on Finn's shoulder that matched the one still warm and wet on Finn's pants.

"You're okay," Finn said, agreeing, but sounding more like he was just agreeing because Poe agreed. He let go and leaned back to look at Poe better.

Poe grimaced. He scrubbed his mouth with the back of a sleeve, then his eyes. Everything felt itchy and hot.

Speaking of which…

Poe glanced down between them and caught Finn plucking at his trousers before he could hide it from Poe. 

"You should shower." Poe rasped.

Finn stared at Poe. "I'm not leaving you out here." Finn shrugged. "I'll survive."

"You'll smell," Poe said bluntly. "Smell like…" He cleared his throat.

Finn grimaced. He looked down at himself. His shoulders slumped.

"Oh," Finn said, making a face. He looked guilty when he glanced back at Poe.

"Don't," Poe said harshly before Finn could try to say anything. Poe's mouth twisted. His chest seized at the guilty look on Finn's face. Suddenly, he needed Finn to not be here. Looking guilty about—kriffing hell, Finn looked like he was about to apologize he couldn't capture the moons above them with his bare hands.

"Just…" Poe took a steadying breath. The target of his anger wasn't Finn. Finn didn't deserve that. "Could you just get a shower?" He lightly shoved Finn on the shoulder. "You're going to stink up the bed later."

Poe was taken aback by the open relief on Finn's face. "You're staying?"

"Want me to go?" Poe returned lightly.

"No!" Finn looked as startled as Poe felt by his vehement response. Finn studied Poe. "Unless you want to."

Poe get it. He did. Finn was trying, probably thought he needed to make up for the past, slow, careful—Force, Poe gets it, but…

All of the sudden, Finn smiled ruefully.

"How about I shower and leave you alone?"

Something loosened in Poe's chest and he felt both raw and warm at the same time. He scoffed, shaking his head.

"Come here," Poe murmured, gesturing Finn to come closer. Puzzled, Finn inched over by the balls of his feet. When Finn was within reach, Poe looped an arm around Finn's neck and yanked him into the hardest hug he could manage while feeling this way. He chafed at the close contact yet reveled at the solid build pressed up against him. He felt the urge to push Finn away but he also wanted to burrow into Finn and never come out.

"Thought you said I smell," Finn said, bemused but willing to let Poe squish him to his chest.

"I'll fix this," Poe swore. He crushed his lips to the top of Finn's head, glad Finn decided to let his hair grow out. Take that, First Order. Finn was trying so hard.

"I'll fix this," Poe repeated.

Finn rearranged himself until they were eye level. He set his hands on Poe's shoulders. Poe copied Finn. Their foreheads tipped to each other, touching and connecting in a way Poe believed Finn when he corrected Poe with a fervent, " _We'll_ fix this."

Poe brushed his mouth across Finn's, pulling back because right now, even that felt like it could spiral into something that will hurt. And of course it wouldn't, but tell his body that. 

"Yea, yea," Finn joked. Finn pushed back a curl off Poe's brow. "I'm smelly. I'm going to shower. Do you want to borrow a shirt?"

Poe became aware he sweated through his top. He made a face. Finn did a weird thing: he kissed Poe's nose before rising to his feet. He paused.

"You'll…you'll be out here?" Finn suddenly looked unsure.

Poe sloppily saluted. "I'll even clean up that disaster." He pretended to sigh. "And mourn the loss of that bowl of spicy bone broth. Don't suppose the mess has more?"

"Luckily, that was the last bowl." Finn made a face. "Probably used the rest to strip those old X-wings we just got."

"Hey!" Poe mock-glowered Finn. "Have some appreciation for fine cuisine."

"Fine cuisine or paint stripper?" Finn hopped back from Poe's swipe at his heels. His eyes still lingered on Poe as he headed to the refresher, but at least Finn stopped looking like Poe was about to break into a million useless pieces.

As soon as Finn disappeared into the refresher, Poe's weak smile faded. He sighed, looking around Finn's quarters. He spied the battered tin that held the carving Finn tried with… He shuddered. He resisted pulling it out. Or burning it. He rose to his feet, feeling like he aged a thousand years as he went over to a wall where the brown satchel everyone got as standard hung on a hook made from Y-wing parts. He searched Finn's clothing rolled up inside. There wasn't much. Everybody packed light in case of evacuation. 

Poe smiled to himself when he pulled out a familiar shirt: an old cream-colored tunic Poe gave Finn when Finn officially joined the Resistance. It was the softest top Poe had that didn't irritate the newly healed lightsaber scar on Finn's back. 

"Thought you threw it out by now, buddy," Poe murmured. Still smiling to himself, Poe shrugged out of his rumpled shirt. He started looping his head through the neckline when the door chimed. Struggling to find his way into the shirt, Poe crossed to the door, punching the access button to open it just as he finally tugged the shirt over the rest of his body.

"All right, all right," Poe muttered. Head finally clearing the neckline, Poe got his first look at the arrival and blinked. 

Bal considered Poe with raised eyebrows, gray eyes going up and down Poe.

"Well, that didn't take long," Bal muttered. 

Poe's brow knitted. "What?"

"Nothing." Bal grinned, a toothy overly wide smile that Poe found himself strangely hesitant to give back. "Fancy meeting you here, Commander. You missed the afternoon meal. Mess had mashed bik root again."

Poe tugged the tunic straight. Finn was broader across the chest and had stretched the shirt. It hung a little loose around his torso. Poe was acutely aware how it looked obvious it wasn't his clothing even though it originally _was_ his.

"Bal," Poe greeted, politely. "Looking for Finn?" He glanced over his shoulder. He could still hear the shower. When he turned back, Bal was studying Poe with narrowed eyes.

"Er…" Poe shrugged. They never talked about whether they should hide their relationship or not, but he found himself reluctant to admit it to anyone without talking to Finn first. 

"Spilled soup," Poe said. Mentally, he winced.

Bal's expression shifted, his large grin back on again. It was disproportional on Bal's angular jaw.

"Ah," Bal said. His eyes drifted to something behind Poe. Probably the tray on the floor. "Ah," Bal repeated. He held up a netted sack with a fist. "Pellets for the blasters. Everyone on the team has a limited amount."

Poe grunted as he accepted the sack. He debated telling the mech about the shorted blaster. "Great. I'll make sure he gets these."

"Leaving tomorrow night," Bal said abruptly. He glanced past Poe again, this time towards the refresher. "Heard it was for three days."

Poe grimaced. "Yeah." He gestured to the ammo. "Thanks for these, Bal."

A meaty hand clapped Poe's shoulder, a weight that almost made Poe hunch forward.

"Make sure he uses them for the assigned blaster tomorrow," Bal advised. "Say goodbye to Finn for me?" He clapped Poe on the shoulder again. "See you later, Poe."

Poe stared after Bal as he lumbered down the corridor. The mech was Finn's height, but he walked like he was twice that, but his legs weren't used to carry such girth. 

Ill ease crept under Poe's skin the longer he stared after Bal. Shaking his head, Poe retreated into Finn's quarters, feeling oddly better when the door indicator flashed red for Lock.

Remembering his promise, Poe studied the tray of food and the gear on the floor. The fire put out, there was a lingering ozone scent. Most of the food was recoverable. Good. Finn hated wasting food. But the soup was a goner. The knap sack that held Finn's assigned gear soaked up most of the liquid. 

Poe crouched down and started pulling out the soiled medpack and tool kit. He examined the comlink. It looked okay. The curled up starchart and holo-recorder just needed to be wiped down. The blaster, however…

The weapon was still warm, charred where it shorted. The power chamber was cracked and the trigger looked ruined. 

Poe exhaled. He should have mentioned it to Bal after all and have the blaster replaced. Poe squinted at it, turning it around in his hands. At the second turn, Poe stopped. He held up the blaster higher to the overhead light.

Poe's eyes widened.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really short Finn POV. (note below to why if you're interested)

When Finn woke up, Poe wasn't there.

The sleepy haze that clung to Finn lifted when he discovered the reason why he felt chilled in the front was because he wasn't curled against Poe's back anymore.

Finn's eyes flew open. He patted the space in front of him. Poe was tucked against him when he woke up from a disturbing dream of being watched. His CO stood at the foot of his bed, staring down at him and Poe, cool eyes glittering as they considered the pair. His CO didn't say anything. He just watched them. Finn sensed the stare as he dreamt and he drew Poe tighter to him, to hide him, but his CO kept staring, eyes boring through Finn's tightly squeezed eyes, a rage that grew and ate into Finn's nerves.

Poe shuddered in Finn's arms, mumbling and moving restlessly at the start of one of his own nightmares. It woke up Finn completely and of course his former CO wasn't standing there, readying to space them. No one was there at all, yet it felt like eyes were still watching them, disapproving. Normally, Finn would be spurred to check the door and locks. But Poe was getting increasingly upset in his sleep. 

It was a ridiculous habit anyway. When they shared quarters in the beginning, they woke each other up from either Poe's nightmares or Finn's obsessive need to check the door and locks after his own dreams.

The mattress was cold next to him, which meant Poe was gone at least an hour or more. Why didn't Poe wake him?

The door chimed as it opened. Finn sat up with a jolt and stared at Poe wide-eyed and frozen by the open door. The lights from the corridor cast Poe in an odd halo, leaving the rest of him in shadow. Except for the blaster in his right hand.

"Um," Finn rasped. He smiled shakily. "I wasn't that bad in bed last night, was I? I could have sworn all we did was steal each other's blankets." And tried a few clumsy touches with their clothes on. Poe didn't cum, his semi-hard dick gone by the time they thought of trying more. They ended up holding each other, Finn spooning Poe, tensed and silent in Finn's arms until they both fell asleep.

Poe glanced down at his hand as if seeing the blaster for the first time. He scoffed.

"Do you know you snore really loudly?" Poe said instead of replying. He stepped into the room and Finn smelled the warm, sugary aroma of dried fruit cakes.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I deserve that blaster, but could you give me one last meal first?" Finn swung his legs around to the edge of the bed, the blankets tumbling to the floor in his haste.

"They're always out of these gunda cakes by the time I get there or I end up with the last cold one." Finn extended his hands, fingers wiggling. 

Poe chuckled and Finn was momentarily distracted by the quiet rumbling. Poe sounded sad despite the mirth. When Poe realized Finn was staring, Poe cleared this throat. He held up a bowl— _an entire bowl_ —of the breakfast cakes.

"The mess usually set aside a few for me whenever they make them." Poe shrugged, suddenly looked abashed. "Two of the bakers there was in a Gunda farming settlement the First Order attacked."

And Poe saved them. Finn knew Poe always downplayed anything that dealt with fighting the First Order because he wasn't sure how Finn would have felt. Finn supposed he should feel hurt, but instead, he felt touched at the consideration.

"I hope you gave those First Order one hell of a fight," Finn offered, keeping his voice light as he crossed the room, leaned in and…stole the bowl of gunda cakes.

"Hey!" Poe made a grab for them but gave up easily as he sat down cross-legged on the floor by Finn. Only officers like Poe have quarters large enough to fit a small beat up crate to serve as a surface for meals. Finn was fortunate enough to have a dented metal plating bolted to the wall as a desk. Most didn't have that. He suspected Poe was the reason why Finn got lucky.

"Was that why you were out that early?" Finn broke apart one cake and offered it to Poe. "You could have woken me." Finn shrugged, trying to sound casual. "I would have walked with you."

Poe studied the cake piece in his hand. He made no move to eat it. He looked distant, deep in thought.

"You okay?" Finn dropped a hand on Poe's knee. He was taken aback when Poe flinched. "Hey, what is it?"

Poe shook his head. He scowled to himself. When he looked up, his face smoothed over to something neutral. 

Finn's gut twisted. He supposed Poe thought that was meant to be reassuring. He shifted closer, close enough their knees touched. To his relief, Poe didn't shy away from that.

"Made a stop first," Poe said. He passed over the blaster he kept in his lap. "Your blaster dried out this morning so I thought I would take it over to the Armory and test it. Sorry, buddy, it was a lost cause. Somehow, both couplings got fried real good."

Finn grimaced as he accepted the blaster. "Now imagine drinking that broth and what it's also doing to your insides as well."

Poe rolled his eyes good-naturedly. He stuffed the gunda cake in his mouth, his cheeks puffed up. Finn couldn't help it. He kissed one of the rounded cheeks. When he pulled back, Poe gave him a strange look, but before Finn could ask, Poe shook his head. He gestured to the blaster.

Finn's brow arched when he took a closer look. He glanced up to Poe.

"This is your blaster." Finn brushed his palm along the barrel. It was still warm from firing. Poe didn't usually like wasting ammo on the firing range. He felt along the barrel and the new bolts that ran long the length. He rubbed along the edge of one bolt, over and over, appreciating how the edges were sharp yet the metal almost felt soft under his searching fingers. 

When Finn looked up, Poe was staring at his hands.

"Oh," Poe muttered. "Guess that's a thing now." He squirmed in his seat, flushing. When he realized Finn was looking, Poe waved vaguely at his lap. He shook his head, reading Finn's reaction.

"Don't bother," Poe muttered. "It'll go away soon enough." His smile was strained. "Anyway, the blaster."

"Poe," Finn began. Suddenly, the gunda cakes weren't appealing anymore. 

"The blaster," Poe insisted. His eyes stayed on Finn, pleading.

Finn swallowed hard. He looked down at the blaster.

"Yea," Finn said gruffly. "The blaster. Poe, I can't take your weapon. Don't you have a mission tomorrow with Green squadron?"

"Not anymore," Poe said breezily. "I'm flying out tonight."

Finn frowned. "Tonight? On what mission? Only one flying out tonight is m—" His eyes widened at Poe's smirk. "You're coming with us?"

Poe's smile wavered. "I know you're piloting, part of your training, so you don't really need a pilot—"

"No, no, no," Finn stammered. "No, this is great. Please, be the pilot. Fly my shuttle." He glared at Poe, who arched an eyebrow at him. "You know what I meant."

Poe was still smirking though as he nodded towards the weapon on Finn's lap. "That's my backup blaster I stowed in my X-Wing. But since I'm flying your shuttle, I have an extra blaster to spare." 

Finn tested the weight of the blaster in his hand. 

"I was thinking of making another moonrise holorecording," Finn said slowly, thinking. "Recon said there's going to be a meteor shower at nightfall. I thought if we set camp, maybe I could…" Finn scoffed, shaking his head. "You're probably sick of those things. I should think of something else."

"I was thinking I could watch it with you this time," Poe said hesitantly. He looked distant as he went on, "And I liked your holos. Far more than…" Poe's eyes flicked over to Finn's desk behind him, but his eyes were elsewhere before Finn could see what Poe was looking at. 

Finn edged closer to Poe, their thighs pressed together. They sat there, on the floor, breaking gunda cakes and sharing them even though there was plenty in the bowl.

For some reason, Poe seemed distracted, smiling occasionally as Finn described the things they were expected to do on tonight's mission slash training. Poe drew out of his reverie when Finn confessed his misgivings about flying the shuttle for the first time. 

"I mean, Bal and the others went through all the basics with us," Finn said as he split a cake with Poe. "But what if I accidentally put us into a barrel roll or something?"

Poe snorted. "That's not as easy to do as you think, buddy. I don't think you have anything to worry about that. Barrel rolls or tail spins, included."

"Good thing we have a hotshot pilot coming with us," Finn joked. He dropped an arm over Poe's shoulders. When Poe flinched again, Finn sobered. "Okay, seriously, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Poe exhaled. He scrubbed his face with both hands. "Weird morning. Weird dream last night."

Finn grimaced. "Sorry, that's on me. I had that dream my CO was watching me again. Must have been talking about it in my sleep."

"Watching," Poe murmured. "Yeah, trapped and watched and…" He shuddered and shrugged Finn's arm off. Then, he seemed to have changed his mind about touching. He leaned into Finn, shoulders rubbing.

"Sorry," Poe sighed, "That dream, the blaster all kriffed up and then my X-Wing just started smoking for no reason I could figure out. Bal said he'll try to figure it out, but it meant being grounded at least three days." Poe shrugged. "So I switched missions. Figured I'll tag along. Luckily, mine's was a routine patrol around one of our allies' system."

It would have meant Finn wouldn't see Poe when he was done with his mission. And by the time Poe was done with his, Finn was probably out again. 

"Now you're stuck with me seeing the moonrise and meteor shower." Finn patted Poe's knee. He was heartened Poe didn't tense. Rather, Poe chuckled and dropped his head on Finn's shoulder.

"I could think of worse things," Poe murmured.

Finn smiled down to the dark tousle of curls.

"Me too," Finn said and offered Poe his last piece of cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (shrugging) Unfortunately, real life got **real** the past week. Wasn't able to take advantage of all my sudden free time, but rather than offer you guys absolutely nothing for 2 weeks, thought I should post what I did manage before life intruded.
> 
> Hoping to post more really soon. In a few days. Sorry for the insanely short post. Stay safe.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe's POV. Less squishy.

How did Finn manage to spark out _both_ charge couplings?

Poe watched as Finn checked and doublechecked both of their gear packs. And he pretended he didn't see Finn tuck in the wrapped package of sweets. Finn won them in a card game and insisted on saving them for a special occasion. 

Unless those weren't sweets. Maybe they're something else.

 _Stop it_ , Poe thought. He pressed a thumb into his thigh, deep enough until the pain drew him out of the spiral he felt starting to coil under his skin. Unbidden, his eyes drifted back to the tin box on Finn's desk. It was originally buried in the pile of datapads and parts, but it was on top when he woke up this morning. Finn must have been thinking of trying to carve the X-Wing again. At least it wasn't another one of those plugs. Poe wanted to ask Finn to burn the carving. Force, Poe should burn the _plugs_. 

"Hey." Finn was suddenly in front of Poe, his eyes wide and concerned and too close. 

Poe reared back then called himself a son of a bantha when worry flickered across Finn's face. But Finn recovered, his hands up as he hopped a step back.

"Sorry," Poe muttered, his ears burning. "I was thinking."

"Uh oh," Finn said lightly. "Should I start running?"

Poe half-heartedly swung a fist towards Finn. Finn dropped to the floor by Poe. He hesitated, his smile fading.

"We don't have to see the moonrise together," Finn said falteringly. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I wasn't thinking of doing anything…you know…nothing that you didn't want."

And wasn't that just like Finn, willing to comply, easily take the blame, sure that whatever Poe wanted was the correct course of action. 

Poe reached over and curled a hand around Finn's nape. He savored the heat of Finn's skin, somehow different when he was the one touching Finn and not the other way around.

Finn shuffled closer, tipping his forehead to Poe's. His brown eyes, both uncertain and yet so focused on Poe, stared across the short distance. Poe couldn't look away or even close his eyes.

"I'm okay," Poe murmured. He took a deep breath. Finn copied him. "And I want to see the moonrise. Every moonrise. Every sunrise too. Every time the sky changes or stays the same, I want that." Poe's chest filled, his breath stuck in his throat. He sighed, exhale sharply enough it ruffled Finn's collars.

"I want to give you more though," Poe bit out. "I want it. All of it, but right now I feel…defective." 

"Funny, you feel like Poe to me," Finn murmured. "And how can you give me more when you already gave me everything?"

Force, Finn always knew what to say. Poe's mouth twisted into a weary smile. 

"Come on, admit it, a little less clothing and a lot more sex couldn't hurt."

"I like sex," Finn admitted, easily. He mirrored Poe, his hand carefully on Poe's nape. "But it's not the only thing keeping me here." 

Poe blinked rapidly. "What if that's all I can give you is…" He gestured the space between them with his other hand.

"It’s more I ever thought I would get," Finn confessed. He dropped his other hand around, clasping them loose on Poe's neck. "Even this. I never thought I would ever get this." 

Finn leaned in, scanning Poe's face before brushing his mouth across Poe's.

"And I'm even going to get a moonrise with you," Finn mused out loud. "What more can an ex-Stormtrooper want?"

Poe wanted to say sex, but Finn's happy expression didn't invite correction, as if Finn truly couldn't think of what more he could ask for.

Moonrise. Yeah, Poe will give Finn that. And sooner or later, Poe will find a way to give Finn _everything_. 

The largest plug hurt.

Poe roused with a groan. He blinked blearily at his surroundings. The shower was still raining down on him. It was cold now, the warm water long spent while Poe had stood under the spray, hunched over as he tried to twist the object into his hole. He told Finn he wanted to take a shower before their mission. He came back to his quarters, his eyes landing on the plugs he left scattered on his bed. Funny, he could have sworn one or two of them rolled under his bed. They stood out, reminding him what he failed to do, why he escaped to Finn's room, not willing to try again. Coward. 

His body, his kriffing body had tensed with muscle memory when he picked them up. And he knew. This wouldn't do. He needed to work past this. For Finn. For them. 

Poe charged into the refresher, his fist shaking around the big plug. He had undressed quickly, deliberately did not think about how much slick and soap he needed to loosen himself up with two fingers first. 

Poe had smacked into a wall as he tried to convince his own body to take the damn thing. Take it, want it, fit around it like he should around Finn's cock, relax, come on, relax, take it, damn it, just take it, oh…

The wood had pulsed strangely into Poe's fingers. The familiar sickening sensation raced up his limbs, filled his cock, a throbbing knot twisting in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to throw up yet writhed around the plug at the same time. He hated this feeling, this spinning out-of-control feeling, forced to feel aroused, forced to want it, even as a tiny part of him screamed. It was kriffing Ren again, digging digging digging don’t think about the map no don't tell him too late too late too weak.

Despite it all, Poe kept at it, held the plug tighter as he forced himself to continue. The feeling of desire and sickness boiled him hotter than the shower. He gasped, body shuddering as he pushed the plug in further, past the instinctive muscle resistance, stretching and filling and he burned, burned as his head spun. 

Everything was getting louder. The shower roared. The air sat moist and thick on his damp skin. A sudden cool breeze swirled around his body. His panting echoed and suddenly everything felt doubled. The refresher walls loomed as if they were further away, he was taller, floating, not hunched over. The shower pounded like it was a waterfall slamming down instead of a steady spray. Sounds twisted like it was more than one person panting in the refresher. His skin tingled, everything enhanced like there was more than one hand helping him push the plug in, more than one fist around his dick suddenly tighter and tighter, wet, so wet and the air crowded against his gasping mouth and suddenly tasted sweeter, too sweet, the air tasted wrong…

Poe had blacked out after he finally cummed. He cummed thick ropes of seed, so hard it _hurt_. And he couldn't stop. He moaned, his hips helplessly snapping forward into a painful grip as he cum. He felt like he was being drained, caught in a gravity well, pulling and stretching, milking him until there was nothing left. 

When Poe was spent, he crashed face first into the wall in front of him, dropped unceremoniously on his ass, screaming as the plug sank completely in large and too large, the base pulling and stretching and somehow twisting wildly against his rim and oh, it felt good it hurt, but he can't stop, twist it in deeper, more, no no no, no more. Finn, for Finn, think of Finn's cock plowing into him like this, deeper, come on, take it…

_"Do this. Do this for us, Poe. Yes…"_

Poe stared out into the refresher, obscured by mist. He thought he saw petals, but with another gritty blink, there was nothing but the bloodied plug rolling on the shower floor. His entrance burned, resentful Poe forced the object in even as his body fought him. 

That heady, drunken lightheadedness from the wood clung stubbornly, longer than those flowers. Poe felt his dick, half hard and incredibly sore. When he tentatively curled a hand around his cock once more, Poe whimpered. His length was raw, pulled and jerked too roughly. It explained why the refresher reeked despite the shower. 

Poe cautiously pumped his dick, his watering eyes on the plug. His legs were folded awkwardly, his left bent in front of him, his right folded under him and growing numb the longer he stayed on the floor. It hurt, oh, it hurt, but he was still aroused somehow. He needed to get over whatever was messed up in his mind.

Pulling harder, relying on the now icy cold shower to stave off the agony, Poe tried to get his dick to rise completely. But his eyes kept drifting to the plug that somehow slipped out easily when it hurt so much trying to force its way in before.

_"Beautiful. You taste so beautiful…"_

Poe gagged, doubling over, chin to a drawn knee as he swallowed back the bile bubbling in his throat. His hand around his dick felt too large now, too greedy, pulling, pulling, taking, stop, he couldn't any more, it hurt…

His erection, if Poe could call it that, softened without release. Yet Poe couldn't help feeling relieved, giddy with the knowledge that he didn't have to do this anymore, he stopped, no more, no—

Poe scowled. He glowered at the plug, cleaned again, spinning in the swirls of water, blood and cum. Oh. He was bleeding? He reached behind him. No. His entrance felt puffy, overheated, oddly drooling slimy most likely from the slick. He pulled his hand away. Suddenly, he felt used, all the wrong shape but not in pain. Surprising considering how much everything else seemed to hurt.

It was tempting to stay in the shower despite the chill, but there was a mission. The real one, that is, not Poe's pathetic one. And even though Poe Dameron was apparently defective in the sex department (but he'll fix this, damn it), he was still the best kriffing pilot in the Resistance. If he can't be what Finn wants, he'll at least be what Finn needs.

Poe stood up shakily, glad he managed to at least avoid any lasting pain otherwise it'll be hell in the cockpit. He glared at the plug, but still picked it up. Almost immediately, Poe felt lightheaded, itchy all over. He hurriedly wrapped it with his discarded shirt, dried quickly and hobbled out to change into something more appropriate for flying.

"You were going to fly _this_?" Poe gaped at the boxy shuttle on the landing strip. "Are we sure this is space-worthy?"

Poe was certain the ship was before Leia's time. There was only one propulsion engine. One! 

"Bal's team thinks so." Finn stepped up to take his own look at the ship. He bumped his shoulder against Poe. "Hey. Was wondering if you changed your mind."

Poe bumped back. "Hi." He eyed the two sacks Finn slung over his shoulder. "I thought this was just a few days? Are we going to one of the resort moons in the mid rim system and nobody told me?"

Finn rolled his eyes. "One of these are yours, you nerf herder."

"Hey, this nerf herder is a first-class pilot and your ticket. Watch it." Poe pretended to huff. He caught Finn grinning at him out of the corner of his eye. "What?"

"You smell nice." Finn cleared his throat as if hearing himself. He stared hard at the shuttle with renewed interest. "Um, not that you didn't before, but whatever soap you used always smell stronger after you showered."

Poe would have said something coy, like invite Finn to join him next time, but there was still a faint distaste from before, lingering like the scent Finn could smell. He wondered if Finn could smell he cummed with the aid of those friffing things, that damn wood, like the flowers and not on his own.

"Actually," Finn said, a small furrow forming between his eyes, "You sort of smell like bacta too. You okay?"

Finn's eyes went up and down on Poe, his brow furrowing.

Poe made a face. "I smell like bacta? Should I be insulted?" Come to think of it, he thought he caught the medicinal taint of bacta if he stopped to think about it. Maybe time to switch soaps.

Finn grimaced. "I still smell bacta everywhere I go." He shrugged the shoulder not laden with gear. "Sometimes, I think I taste bacta, too." Finn screwed up his face, wrinkling his nose.

Poe snorted. He tapped Finn's nose with a finger and snagged his gear, ever mindful of Finn's back. "You should see the healers about that, buddy. I think you were in that bacta suit too long."

Finn looked down at himself. "Well, I can't complain. At least everything works."

"Maybe I should go in a bacta suit then," Poe mused out loud. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Finn staring. 

"You know. Because…" Poe waved towards all of himself.

"Is it okay to touch you?" Finn said abruptly. "Because I want to hug you, but this morning…"

Poe exhaled. He stepped into Finn the moment Finn came closer. Finn's arms went up around Poe's shoulders. 

"You okay?" Finn murmured into Poe's hair. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah," Poe breathed. "I just…yeah…trying…"

"Poe," Finn whispered. He rubbed his chin into Poe's hair. "Trying? What were you trying to…Poe, I thought we were going to try anything together?"

Poe rested his cheek against Finn's collarbone. Funny how Finn felt solid pressed against him yet also safe.

"Poe," Finn exhaled, his arms drawing up higher around Poe's shoulders. He kept it loose. Poe could escape anytime.

Poe frowned into Finn's shoulder. Escape? No, he has to get over that thinking, not when Finn's hands felt careful around him, light and skimming, not large and holding him down like shackles in an interrogation table or into a mattress. Different, right here, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the landing strip, it felt different.

…Maybe it was always different.

"Hey," Poe mumbled into Finn's shoulder. He didn't look up. In case he was wrong. Or right. Kriff, which was better? "You planning on making me another holo-recording as a present?" 

Poe's throat worked. "Or were you thinking about flowers?"

Finn snorted, his breath ruffling Poe's hair and oh Force, Poe knew his answer and a part of him wanted to curl on the ground like he was in the shower.

"You and your flowers," Finn said, fondly, so fondly Poe pressed his face harder into Finn's shoulder so his eyes couldn't tear. "Would you rather I give you flowers instead? Getting that bored of th—Poe? You all right?"

At Finn's worried tone, Poe realized he was shaking, his fingers digging into Finn's hips as Finn's light words sank it, twisting in as painful as those—oh Gods, those plugs, but that meant…

"Okay, you're scaring me now." Finn pulled back. Poe had the crazy urge to burrow back into Finn, but no, damn it. He needed to pull himself together and—Finn was never at fault. Finn was never—he thought Finn…

"Whoa!" Finn looked wide-eyed, his arms up again, this time to brace Poe when his knees buckled. "Poe! What's wrong?" Finn looked around frantically. "Let me tell Kees I'll be back and I'll take you to medbay."

"No," Poe croaked. He clutched Finn's elbow. He took a steady breath and squashed don the urge to throw up. His skin felt oily, like he needed another shower but yeah, that's not happening. Oh. Finn. The guy shouldered the blame readily and Poe—

"No," Poe said, louder, to Finn and to himself. "It's fine." Not really, but he'll deal with this. "I just…" Was stupid, was fooled, was desperately hoping it was Finn even if it hurt that he allowed himself to be— _Later, Dameron. There's a mission. Shut the kriff up._

"I need a nutrient bar," Poe finished lamely. "All I had were some of those gunda cakes."

Finn's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Maybe you should rest up. I'll be back in three—"

"No!" Poe cringed when Finn blinked at the shout. 

Poe screwed up his face. "Moonrise, remember?" Poe rasped. He winked. He resisted pulling Finn back to him so he could blubber into Finn's chest like a baby. 

Finn looked torn. "You look terrible, Poe."

"Thanks a lot, buddy," Poe joked weakly. "First you say I smell like bacta…" The bacta. Gods, the blood in the shower. He locked his knees to stay upright. "Now you say I look terrible? What happened to pretty?"

_…beautiful, you taste beautiful…_

Poe's eyes burned. He prodded Finn towards the dingy shuttle, moving him to walk in front of Poe. Poe blinked watering eyes rapidly as he steered Finn up the ramp.

"Come on." Poe was amazed he managed to keep his voice steady. "You promise me a moonrise and maybe some of those sweets you won off Iolo."

"Hey," Finn laughed, but let himself get manhandled into the shuttle. "You weren't supposed to know about those! They were going to be a surprise!"

Poe pivoted on his heels, scrubbing his face dry while Finn greeted his team and harnessed into the passenger seat behind Poe. 

"Buddy," Poe croaked as he threw himself into the pilot's seat. He bit his lower lip when he realized he felt a dull ache too deep in his body to be anything else.

"I have enough surprises," Poe whispered as he started pre-flight checks. He nodded curtly to Major Kees as he entered. Poe waited until everyone was strapped in and started the engines.

As the shuttle lifted up, Poe's agonizing thoughts lifted at an odd sound. 

Kriff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, a chapter number! You'll be finally done with this story soon!


	15. Chapter 15

There was only time for Poe to shout a warning before Finn felt the shuttle craft wobble.

Maybe Poe was right to question the shuttle's space worthiness, Finn thought wildly as he curled his hands around his harness. He remembered too late that wasn't the proper position to assume for a crash. How could they crash? They were only minutes off the ground—

Abruptly, the shuttle did a spin, the very barrel roll Poe insisted wasn't easy to do. Finn heard Poe swear. Alarms began to wail. Suddenly, Finn could see sky in the view port ahead, then green, then sky, Finn couldn't tell if they were up or down anymore.

"Hold on!" Poe shouted.

To what, Finn thought, his heart hammering as a sudden drop made it feel like his stomach was left behind.

There was a screech of metal, loud and ear-piercing that reminded Finn of the last bits of memory of the TIE fighter spinning out of control towards Jakku before waking up far away from the wreckage. 

"Poe!" Finn was gripped with a bad feeling. He stretched out a hand towards the pilot's seat and the dark head. Helmet, Poe wasn't wearing a helmet—

Finn jolted hard in his seat, so hard the harness snapped tight over his shoulders to keep him seated. He remained in his chair, but it felt like his left shoulder was dislocated as a result. But there wasn't time to register the pain when another jolt shot up his tailbone, some scattered shouts drowned out the sounds of metal and then there was nothing more.

Finn smelled smoke. When he opened his eyes, all he saw was smoke.

"…evac procedures…"

"Fire suppression systems not working…"

Hands fumbled Finn out of his seat. He waved the help off. Others needed it more.

"Carry the wounded through the cargo ramp!" Kees was shouting, his dull debriefing voice was now as sharp as a knife. "Front of the shuttle is too damaged!" 

"Poe," Finn croaked. He staggered a step forward. The pilot and co-pilot jumper seats were knocked off their rivets and lying on the side. The front viewport was shattered, a tree thrusted into the craft through the broken pane. "Poe?"

Kees clapped Finn's shoulder. "Don't worry. Bal got him out. The rest of his team are helping with evac." At Finn's pained hiss, Kee grunted. "And you're leaving. Now."

"Wait, Po—"

"Bal has him," Kees repeated calmly to Finn as if he was a child. "Over here. This way. Careful. You took a knock to the head."

The shuttle felt like it moved up and down under Finn's feet as Kees guided or dragged him down the ramp. There were people running in front of him in their grays and oranges and it struck Finn that Poe somehow landed the shuttle in the landing area. Sort off. There were broken trees around them, victims of the rough landing. The shuttle landed on a patch of trees scheduled to be cleared out to make another landing bay. The speeder they jury-rigged to clear the area was crushed and on fire.

Poe. Where's Poe? Finn scanned the crowds of technicians and pilots but he couldn't spot Poe's dark head. It felt wrong not to have Poe with him. It was like waking up alone in Jakku again. Too many people and his vision was growing alarmingly dim. 

"Poe," Finn mumbled.

"I got him." Snap Wexley's hands took over Kees' and they steered Finn to a direction Finn hoped leads him to Poe.

"Where is he?" Finn squinted and tried to focus on Snap's grizzly face. "Poe? Is he…"

"He's all right," Snap said as he guided Finn through the crowd. "Bal and his team charged in the moment Poe landed—hell of a landing. Thought for sure you guys were going to spiral into a spectacular splat back to base!"

"Told him it could barrel roll," Finn mumbled. Why was it taking long to see Poe?

Snap snorted as he pushed Finn out of the way of crew rushing in the opposite direction. "That wasn't a barrel roll. I don't know what that was or how Dameron pull that shuttle out of it. Luckily, Bal and his team were already out there doing maintenance. They ran right in. Bal came running out with Poe. Poor guy was in a panic. Caught him running with our commander in the wrong direction of the medbay."

"Medbay?" Finn looked up but Snap was going in and out. 

"Nothing too bad," Snap said as he waved people to get out of their way. "Pava said Dameron was all squirming to break free, hollering your name. He busted his head real good and cracked some ribs, so everything is looking fuzzy like it probably does for you but Iolo took Poe to medbay. Good thing too. Bal was heading for the trees by mistake." 

Poe's okay. Poe's okay. It was all Finn could think about when they at last reached the medbay where he caught sight of a dark tousled head on a stretcher being wheeled to the back.

"Poe!" Finn shouted. Snap grumbled something about his ears. "Poe!"

"All right," a medic said from out of nowhere. "Let's fix that head and shoulder first before you run off to your boyfriend."

There was a hiss to Finn's arm and Finn knew nothing more.

Things were spinning around Poe like space debris. Words, touches, feelings, Finn, always Finn, but maybe not always.

Poe was vaguely aware of hands, too large, curled around his arms too tightly, dragging him away from a world of smoke.

_"…shouldn't have been in there…"_

The grip was shackles around his arms, like any minute someone was going to demand where the map is. His feet were moving, but not by his power. He was being dragged. 

Finn. Finn was seated behind him. Finn. Where was Finn?

 _"…who cares?"_ Someone was shaking Poe so hard, his teeth clacked together. _"…his fault…can't have you…shouldn't have been in there…_

"Finn?" Poe groaned. He feebly shoved at what felt like bulkhead. It wouldn't bulge and wrapped tighter around him the more he tried to break free. "…Finn?"

_"…get you away from him…_

Poe's left foot turned as he was once again dragged. He grunted when he heard a snap in his ankle. Someone swore. More hands. Big hands, grabbing, touching—no!

Poe fought because these weren't Finn's hands. Not the ones every night, the careful ones, the ones that refused to hurt. Not like these hands grabbing him by the middle, lifting and dragging him through the smoke and shouting. No, he wanted Finn's hands. He wanted Finn. Finn!

There was an abrupt halt. Poe sagged, held up by a grip his body fought against while his mind buzzed. Voices around him, but none were Finn's.

_"…take him to the medbay for you…"_

What? Was Finn hurt? Poe lifted his head, tried, and squinted at the two fuzzy figures standing in front of him. Orange. Pilots. Poe lurched forward, breaking free of the hands he didn't want. They might know where Finn is—

"Whoa. Damn it, Poe, warn a girl next time!"

"Jess?" Poe mumbled around a face full of orange flightsuit and the distinct swell of a—oops. He blearily peered up at her frown. Her hands were smaller on his arms, clutching him like she wasn't sure if she was going to hold him up or let him drop.

That large hand was on Poe's shoulder again, heavy, ready to push him down on the mattress, a greedy free hand yanking down his—

"No," Poe grumbled. He swung a hand towards its general direction, but another hand, a cooler one, caught it.

"We got our commander." Iolo rumbled. "Better help out with the rest of the evac, Bal."

"If you're sure," Bal hedged. Poe sensed him standing close. That large hand on Poe's shoulder reluctantly slipped off. 

"Go," Jess shooed off. "Next time, remember med is that way, Bal. Those trees over there aren't going to do much healing."

Bal laughed awkwardly, mumbled something about the rush of it all. He dropped a hand on Poe's shoulder, but it dropped when Poe flinched.

"I'll see how you're doing later," Bal promised. He trotted back towards where the smoke and noises were the strongest.

"Guess you're stuck with us," Jess said cheerfully. "Now be a good pain-in-the-ass and walk this way. No, the _other_ way—Iolo, maybe you should just toss him over your shoulder."

Poe found he could breathe again. Now if he could only stand and walk, no, run, find Finn. Finn!

"Poe!" Iolo was exasperated when he caught Poe. Poe crashed into Iolo's chest before the ground. Still hurt though. In fact, the longer they stood there, not finding Finn, the more everything hurt. What happened? Did he crash again?

"Yup," Jess said somewhere next to Poe. "Messiest crash I've seen so far, Dameron. But anything you can walk away from."

Walking. Walking's good. Walking to find Finn.

"Poe," Iolo exhaled. He hefted Poe higher against him and tried to steer him like an x-wing with only one propulsion. "Leave the walking to us, please? And Pava? He didn't walk. Bal dragged him off that junk heap like a sack of Buru tubers."

Greedy hands, large hands held him down, something hard and hot rutted across his ass, scraping over his hole, grinding as if to scour all his skin off. Hands, they hurt. They…he knew those hands. Finn? No, not Fi—where was Finn?

"Snap's got him," Iolo said calmly in that measured voice. Poe must have spoken the last part out loud. 

"Yup," Jess piped up by his left ear. "Spoken out real loudly too. Finn probably heard you hollering his name all the way in the medb—whoa! Easy! He's okay. Snap's got him! Probably better than you!"

Poe squinted up at Jess. When did she get taller? He rolled his head to Iolo on his right, a steady arm around his middle. Holding, but not holding him down. It didn't hurt. None of their hands hurt.

"Hands? Hurt?" Jess swore because that's a pilot's greatest fear. She captured Poe's left hand flapping against his side. "They look okay."

Jess was talking. Iolo was talking. Bal was talking. But what about Finn? Finn wasn't…

Poe heard Iolo swore, gruff and surprised as he caught Poe when his knees buckled. 

"All right, Poe," Iolo grumbled as he carried more and more of Poe's weight. "Let's get to the medbay before the moons rise."

Poe relaxed as he spotted the medbay brimming with activity. There was a point it felt like he was weightless, his feet abruptly off the ground. And when he felt the slight give of something flat under him, he tensed. And when hands that were not Finn's tugged at his flightsuit, he fought. He caught a chin, his elbow dug into something hard, his head snapped back and a bone crunched. But there were hands, _more_ hands now. Holding him down. Tugging at his clothing. Body heat pressed close enough to suffocate. Stop. No…

"Finn!" Poe croaked out as a needle slid into his arm. Something cold filter through his veins. Cold, not hot. He calmed and hands eased back until he felt a cool hand on top of his head.

"Force, Poe." Iolo sounded shaken for some reason, his normally even low rumble was unsteady. "What the hell?"

"Finn…" Poe rasped. He felt himself fading, but he fought the heavy limb feeling that kept pushing him down. "Finn…it wasn't him…"

"Finn?" Jess was over Poe. She sounded confused. "What about Finn?"

It wasn't him. It wasn't him. Poe's mind reeled. He had his suspicions before the flight, but now he knew and Finn needed to be here. Someone needed to watch Finn. It wasn't him. Force, why did he ever thought it was Finn?

"…want me to get Finn?" Jess wanted to know. Poe heard Iolo respond but like everything around him, it was slowly twisting, garbled, like he was drowning in that damn flower's poison, turning his body against him, trapping him pinned under hands, doing, touching, invading…

Poe uttered a sound, trying to be heard under the increasing weigh of whatever pinched his arm. But Jess and Iolo's worried faces faded. Maybe they were never there. Maybe he was caught under the drugged snare of hands and hurt.

"…Finn…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, kriff. I'm not supposed to be taking this long. (glares at outline) Sorry, guys.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both POVs back on the same chapter. Finally!

Finn wondered if this was how Poe felt waiting after Finn's lightsaber fight with Kylo Ren. He sat on the only other chair the medbay could spare, his shoulders supported by the empty medical bed behind him. In front of him, Poe slept on. 

The healers told Finn over and over that Poe was all right. The injuries healed with some bacta soaked bandages. His ribs were cracked in a few places. His nose was broken. Oddly enough, his right ankle was fractured as well.

There was something about a concussion, though. Apparently, Poe slammed face first into the console as he pulled the shuttle out of a vertical spin. If Poe hadn't, he and anyone else up front would have been killed instantly.

"Good thing we had the best pilot of the Resistance, huh?" Finn told the slack face before him. The medics informed Leia (and Finn after he barged in, still in his medical gown) they needed to sedate Poe to let the swelling in his brain subside. The pilot was also agitated, more so as more tried to hold him down.

Finn wished he had been there. He wished he was there to tell them not to hold Poe a certain way. He wished he was there before Poe busted Iolo's jaw during his panicked struggles. He wished he was there telling Poe in his ear that he was safe. He wished he knew what to say right now as Poe slept. He heard Poe talked to Finn while he was under, but Poe never mentioned it. 

It was strange to see Poe so still and neatly resting on the bed with his arms and legs straight. Finn knew Poe was a restless sleeper. When they shared quarters early on, Finn often tripped over Poe's blanket that was kicked off the bed. And when Poe stayed in Finn's quarters, he was curled, tucked against Finn, fitting so perfectly as if they were two pieces of the same shape. 

This wasn't Poe or at least the Poe Dameron Finn knew and lo—

Finn blinked. His throat worked as he rolled the word he didn't complete in his head. Because they never said it to each other, but Finn knew he wanted to one day. He wanted a day when Poe was willing to be touched, smiling when Finn holds him, hopefully smiling wider after Finn told him how much he loved him. And then, maybe then, Finn would deserve the forgiveness Poe gave too readily, excused Finn too easily for his liberties. 

"Until then," Finn murmured, "I can wait."

"Wait for what?" Finn glanced over his shoulder at Healer Stel-ak, a pale and lithe humanoid from one of the planets the Starkiller destroyed. Stel-lak was always intrigued with his fellow Resistance fighters, having never met humanoids outside his clan before. He adopted the Resistance as his new clan and mimicked their mannerisms. He learned quickly under Kalonia, but always asking questions to anyone who crossed his path. Lots of questions. Without reservation and without noticing the other's growing mortification. Poe once joked there were fewer injuries when Stel-lak was on duty. Or at least Finn thought Poe was joking. 

Finn laughed awkwardly, gesturing towards Poe.

"Ah, yes, there was talk the two of you are in a relationship." Stel-lak repeated the last word to himself, checking if it was the correct term. 

Finn blinked. He glanced over to Poe. He wished Poe would at least fidget. Not that he wanted Poe in the throes of another nightmare, but something to dispel the motionless vision before him. If he didn't see Poe's chest rise and fall, Finn would have thought he was—no, Poe's all right.

"Talk, huh?" Finn stammered. He was reluctant to encourage the medic but he loathed the silence more.

"Yes, the Mess has been preoccupied with the carnal connections of many, not just you and the commander. A few like Bal has denied the possibility, but I believe one of Commander Dameron's pilots was taking wagers on you two."

Finn blanched. "B-bets?"

Stel-lak clicked his pointy teeth, his almost transparent skin flushing pink with interest as he checked Poe's vitals displayed on the datapad at the foot of his stretcher. "Is waiting by the unconscious form of your mate a form of courtship?"

"Mate? Uh…"

Stel-lak grunted as he walked around Poe's bed. "I heard Commander Dameron did the same after you were injured. And now you are copulating. I was not aware the bedside ritual was still needed after establishing relations."

Stars. Finn toss Poe a hopeful glance, but Poe was still sleeping. Unfortunately, Finn was on his own.

"However," Stel-lak continued as he studied his datapad with large, unblinking opal eyes. "I would recommend refraining from strenuous physical activity until he is medically cleared."

Finn ignored most of what Stel-lak said, zeroing in on the tail end. "Medically cleared? Is it that serious?" He looked worriedly at Poe. "When will he wake up?" 

"Could be any moment," Stel-lak said as he checked his datapad. "Last scan looked good. I informed General Organa he'll need to be grounded for two weeks to be on the safe side."

Finn grimaced. "I hope you have two weeks of things for him to do then otherwise it's going to be a long two weeks."

Stel-lak's eyes looked like huge gray coins when they steadied on Finn. "I'm sure you'll keep him busy, but as I have mentioned, it would be best if you refrain from anything too vigorous."

Finn's eyebrow rose. He felt his cheeks heating up. "I…" Finn stuttered. "We weren't, I mean, me and Poe, we…"

"I understand living on a high anxiety base can often fuel some rather…" Stel-lak clicked his teeth again. "But previous injuries have not fully healed yet. I advise you hold off on the more rigorous activity until he's medically cleared."

Finn's mind spun. "Rigorous? Us?" He sat up straighter. "Wait. Previous injuries?" The taint of bacta. Poe's dull, defeated promise he would fix it. "How previous? How long ago? What injuries?"

Stel-lak twittered, for once acting humanly uneasy as if realizing what he said was inappropriate. "It came up during our preliminary examination when he was brought in. One of the medics detected bacta residue and, well…"

Finn swallowed. "What. Injuries?" Stel-lak held a good ten inches over him yet the medic took a step when Finn rose from his chair.

"I should not have said," Stel-lak said abruptly and for the first time since the medic arrived, Finn saw the medic blinked, wide round eyes vanishing behind double eyelids. 

Finn eyed the datapad in Stel-lak's hand. "Can I see his file?"

"No."

At first, Finn thought Stel-lak spoke in that hoarse whisper. Finn's eyes widened when Stel-lak glanced behind Finn just as fingers fumbled to hook into a bit of Finn's left sleeve.

"Poe," Finn croaked as he whipped around. He heard Stel-lak make his escape and filed it as a conversation for another day, no, sooner than that. But not now, not when Poe blearily gazed up at Finn, looking like he's seeing Finn for the first time.

"Hey." Finn captured the hand still trying to catch his sleeve. Poe's fingers were trembling and something above Poe's head beeped on the vitals screen, but no one came in.

"Hey," Poe rasped. He kept staring at Finn, unblinking like Stel-lak. "You're okay?"

Finn nodded frantically as he dropped into his chair, suddenly weak-kneed. "A few bumps, but that's it. You're going to be okay, too. Force, Poe, that was one hell of a landing! I told you that thing could barrel roll!"

Poe turned his head to follow Finn. He wasn't smiling. And he was still staring.

"I'm real," Finn joked as he pulled his chair closer to the bed. He covered Poe's hand with both of his. "You're not imagining things."

Something flickered across Poe's face. His hand in Finn's grasp twitched as if wanting to curl into a fist. 

"Poe?" Finn leaned in, his chin almost touching Poe's shoulder and from here, he could see Poe's entire body was shaking. "Are you in pain? 

Poe squeezed his eyes shut. His hand relaxed in Finn's double grip. 

"It wasn't you," Poe whispered. His face contorted. When he opened his eyes, he stared blankly at the ceiling. "How could I have ever…" A broken sound creeped out from Poe's throat.

Finn pulled Poe's hand to his mouth. He brushed his lips on the trembling fingers, kissing the rough patches of calluses. Poe's hand steadied under Finn's mouth.

"Poe," Finn tried when it looked like Poe calmed down. "Before, I wasn't trying to pry. I wasn't. But Stel-lak mentioned bacta and older injuries and I—"

"Finn," Poe whispered. He closed his eyes again. "It wasn't you."

Finn's brow knitted together. "I…uh. I figured. We never…but I was worried—you kept saying you were trying to fix it, fix you, and I was worried you did something to yourself and—Poe?"

Poe was shaking again until Finn realized Poe was laughing and after a beat of confusion, Finn realized Poe was also crying and swearing as well.

Alarmed, Finn got to his feet to call for a med droid when Poe abruptly tugged Finn to the bed. Finn yelped, scrambling to get off Poe when he heard a pained grunt. But Poe followed, sitting up, abruptly pulling Finn back.

"I should…" Finn trailed off when Poe dropped his face into the crook of Finn's shoulder.

"Poe," Finn protested faintly but he couldn't bring himself to step away. Not when Poe shook against him and his shirt started to get suspiciously damp.

"Kriff," Poe gasped, his voice thick as he choked around each word he forced out. "Finn…kriff…I…it wasn't you. Oh Finn, how could I—I'm sorry. Finn, Force, I'm sorry. It was never you. Gods, he could have been…even before…I-I…"

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe's shoulders. Poe's words didn't make sense. Not really. But there was a feeling. The same quiet feeling that told Finn to save Poe from the Finalizer. It was the same voice that told him to take Poe back to his room that night but then he—

"Poe," Finn tried again. Poe's breathing was harsh, his hands fisted onto Finn's shirt, so hard Finn thought it would tear. But it didn't matter. Poe could pummel him with that same fist, anything to stop those horrible wet choking noises Poe wasn't able to completely muffle on his shoulder.

It took a long time before Poe quieted. Long enough, Finn's lower back ached staying hunched by Poe's bed so he could keep Poe sheltered within his embrace. When Poe pulled away, his face was blotchy, his nose swollen as if punched, his eyes were just as swollen, but there was a hard glint in his eyes, a hatred and self-loathing that made Finn pull Poe back to him. He squeezed Poe tight in hopes he could force those feelings out of Poe.

"Poe," Finn whispered. He couldn't think of anything to say. "Poe…"

Poe remained within Finn's hold. He no longer made those noises. Worse, he didn't make any sound at all. Only the rapid rise and fall of Poe's chest press against Finn told him he was even breathing.

"What is it?" Finn murmured when the silence became too much. He thought back to what Stel-lak said, to the broken words Poe pushed out and oh, oh no, _no no no_ …

"It wasn't you," Poe said dully. "Finn, all this time, I thought it was you." _And you let me_ Poe didn't say, but Finn heard.

"We're not talking about that night…are we?" Finn whispered. His eyes burned when he felt Poe shook his head, still tucked under his chin. "We're not talking about something from long ago…are we?"

Poe sat back, slipping out of Finn's arms with a reluctance they both felt. Poe took a deep shuddering breath. When he lifted his eyes, Finn's own breath stuttered at the anguished look on Poe's face.

"Finn," Poe rasped. His eyes lowered then with resolve, Poe forced himself to lift them back up to Finn's widening eyes.

"I need to tell you something."

Finn looked like he wanted to throw up. Finn looked like he wanted to vomit the moment Poe told him about the first night that he could remember. Force, was that the first night? How many—what about before? 

"It…it wasn't me," Finn repeated numbly, like he couldn't believe it even after Poe told him. Gods, each word tasted like bile as Poe unsteadily described each night with as little detail as possible. Finn didn't need to know how pinned Poe felt, how drained and emptied each night left him and yet he wanted it so much as hands and mouth devoured him. Poe couldn't bring himself to describe how he cum, those pathetic needy sounds, his body responding in a way it should respond to Finn. 

"No," Poe said with a bad taste in his mouth. Now he felt like throwing up. 

"Poe," Finn croaked as he dropped heavily into the chair, his limbs suddenly weak. "Do you…do you know who it is?"

"I…I don't know who…I think…no." Poe's laugh was brittle. "Kriff, it could have been as recent as a f-few hours—Kriff." 

Poe wanted to burrow back into Finn, but the other sat out of reach. Poe's stomach twisted. He hoped it wasn't a sign. 

"I-I…" Finn wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. "A few hours…how could that be? How did you not know?" 

Poe grimaced just as Finn paled.

"Stars, no, Poe, that didn't come out right! I meant—"

"You're right." Poe felt a funny noise lodged in his throat, wanting to come out. "Force, you're right. How did I let it happen?"

"No, Poe, I wasn't saying—"

"How did I fucked around with someone and not even know who it—Kriff!"

Poe needed something to throw, but all he had was the thin pillow on the bed. He threw it, past Finn's head and it hit the wall with an unsatisfying sound.

Poe jammed fists over his burning eyes. How could he? How did he let this happen? Why did he let himself believe it was Finn? How did he not notice—

Finn inched closer to Poe, his arms loose against his sides. He stood close enough to smell, his mix of musk, sweat and something woodsy. He smelled a little like Yavin in the summer. Finn smelled like home.

"Poe…" Finn sounded distressed. "I wasn't blaming you. None of this was your fault. Do you hear me? I was only trying to figure out how it happened." His voice hardened. "So I can find him and kill him." His voice softened again. "None of this is on you."

No, of course Finn wouldn't blame him. It was enough Poe blamed himself because only he knew how he gave in, cum, hungered and laid there as he was groped and swallowed down like a last meal. 

Of course Finn didn't blame him. Like Leia didn't blame Poe for losing the map or for lying there while Ren groped deep into his mind and yanked out his secrets. 

"How can you say that?" Poe said woodenly. "I told you. I cummed, I was so desperate for it that I—"

"The flowers."

Poe looked up at Finn's haggard face. Finn tentatively reached over and pushed back Poe's hair from his brow. Poe leaned into the touch and Finn cautiously draped an arm over Poe's bowed shoulders.

"You said there were flowers and they made you…" Finn inhaled sharply. "That doesn't sound like you wanted it. It sounded like it stopped you from _not_ wanting it."

Poe shook his head, bumping into Finn's shoulder. "I could have—"

"No," Finn said firmly. "You couldn't."

Finn sounded so sure. He wished he could believe Finn. He wanted to. But he could hear the echoes of his cries. He could still feel the echoes of shivers when he cum, when his body writhed with need.

"I could have—" Poe stuttered.

Finn leaned in, his arm still loose over Poe's shoulders, his chin resting carefully on top of Poe's head.

"No," Finn repeated. "You couldn't."

Poe shut his eyes. He rested his cheek against Finn. He felt so tired. Why did he bother waking up?

"All right," Poe said wearily, giving up for now. "I couldn't." He swallowed. "Finn…I'm sorry I thought it was you."

Finn didn't say anything at first. He cleared his throat.

"Did you really think I could hurt you?" Finn said, his voice small. "Like that? I could never…" Finn sucked in his breath. "But I almost did, didn't I? That night when I helped you into my quarters and I almost…"

Poe vaguely remembered feeling the same unrelenting coil of heat under his skin, saw it reflected in Finn's eyes and he tumbled into Finn's grip with apprehension and hunger. He wanted it then. So much. Until it became too much and Poe fought. Why didn't he fight before? Did he even try? 

"It felt like I couldn't stop," Finn mumbled. "Even that part of me telling me to stop, I couldn't hear it anymore. No wonder you thought it was me the whole time."

Poe roused with that. He shook his head again. His throat felt swollen like he was screaming not blubbering.

"You stopped," Poe rasped. "That's the difference. You stopped even before I asked. He—" Poe's throat closed up. He sucked in a breath and forced the words out. "I remember some of it I did ask him to stop, but then I stopped asking and…" Let himself be used and tasted like—

_"…beautiful. You taste so beautiful…"_

"Finn," Poe mumbled. He gagged. 

There was a scrape as the chair was pushed aside, heavy footsteps as Finn searched and found a small bucket. Just in time, too. Poe retched into the container as soon as Finn shoved it under his chin. 

Poe grimaced. Broken ribs, a concussion and spewing his guts out made for the worst combination. The room spun in a nauseous way even vertigo couldn't affect him.

"Better?" Finn asked, pulling the bucket away with a face. He set it far away from them both and pressed a cup of ice into Poe's hands. Finn waited as Poe crunched ice, letting it melt and slither down the back of his throat.

"Better?" Poe croaked. He gave it a thought. He grimaced. "Maybe. I don't know."

"Okay," Finn murmured. "What do you want to do now?"

Poe glared sideways at Finn and his hesitant voice. "I'm not fragile, damn it."

"I don't think you're fragile." Finn didn't blink when he lied.

Poe tore his eyes away from Finn. He stared down at the length of his bed.

"Right now?" Poe said roughly, "I just want to sleep." And never wake up. Or wake up and realize it was some nightmare created by the shuttle cras—

"Kriff," Poe murmured. He could see the controls in front of him, the lights that were supposed to stay on and didn't. He saw the console Finn was supposed to stare at, training in the pilot seat until Poe elbowed his way into the mission.

"Are you remembering something more?" Finn shifted closer, always ready to comfort. Gods, how he lov—

Poe squeezed his eyes tight. No use thinking about that anymore, Poe thought, his heart sinking. Finn wouldn't leave Poe's side, more of an obligation than any. Even if Finn didn't mind how kriffed up Poe's sex drive was, what are the chances Finn could grin and bear it staying with soiled goods?

Focus, Dameron. Too late to think about it. Focus.

"The shuttle." Poe locked gazes with Finn. "You were supposed to be the pilot in training."

Finn gaped at Poe. "You think the shuttle was tampered with?"

Poe darkened. "Not think. Know. That ship didn't respond like it should. Secondary controls weren't working. None of the emergency boards responded. That ship was meant to crash with you at the helm."

Finn sank down to the edge of Poe's bed. He digested the news and uttered a sound under his breath. "The blaster." He looked over. "Do you think that was tampered, too?"

Force, Poe forgot about the blaster. He clenched his jaw. "Both couplings were toast. I've never seen that happen so yeah, it's looking like a strong possibility."

"Someone's out to kill me," Finn stated.

Poe narrowed his eyes. "You shouldn't sound this calm."

Finn grunted. "I have other matters to be concerned with." He paused, thinking it over, then reached over to grip Poe's hand. "I have much more important things to be concerned with."

Poe wished the warmth of Finn's hand soothed him. Finn gave him sad eyes when Poe couldn't hide the twitch in response to Finn's hand. He wished knowing it wasn't Finn, everything would be magically cured, but there was still a small part of him screaming Finn was too close and the heat of his body was suffocating Poe.

"More important," Poe grumbled, dismissing it. "I'll worry about who wants your cute head off those nice shoulders of yours." He turned his hand and forced his fingers to relax so he could weave them with Finn. "I'm sticking close to you, keep you in my sights. Stay close."

"Trust me," Finn rumbled, "I'm not planning to go anywhere."

Poe tightened his grip on Finn's hand. He pretended Finn was promising it for an entirely different reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went over 15K in words. Gah.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dubious, _really_ dubious consent ahead. If you're worried, please read my notes first at the end of this freaking long chapter.

Someone was watching him.

Finn started, arms automatically pulling in, which was the wrong move.

Poe, tucked into Finn's body every night for the past week, woke up fighting, shouting, and swinging.

"…no, stop…"

"Sorry, sorry." Finn winced when Poe's elbow got too close to his groin. He sat up from bed. He tossed a quick look around Poe's quarters. The lights were still off, the room was empty. Of course it was empty. He wasn't on a battleship anymore. His CO wasn't stalking the barracks looking to space troopers for the smallest offences.

Finn felt heavy-limbed, not truly alert yet, heart pounding due to the abrupt waking. Next to Finn, on his side, Poe fought an invisible enemy, but he woke up with a strangled, "Finn?" before Finn could coax him back to sleep.

"Bad dream." Finn grimaced. " Didn't mean to wake you. Not like that." Finn was careful to wake Poe with soft calls, fingers carded softly through dark curls, easing Poe awake to the promise of safety.

"Finn," Poe said tightly, "The door's open."

Finn's eyes snapped the door and sure enough, the green light next to it. He couldn't make out the door itself in the dark. And when Finn called out for lights, they wouldn't come on.

"You locked up as soon as we came in," Poe said, still terse and now sitting up as well. "I remember because I checked after you."

Poe did. Twice, in fact, when he thought Finn wasn't looking. 

Finn swung a leg over the edge of the bed, but before he could get up, he felt Poe touch his elbow. Out of the corner of Finn's eye, he caught the gleam of a pocket blaster in Poe's fist.

"Where did you—"

Poe grunted. He released Finn's elbow. But even in the dark, Finn saw Poe's blaster turning to steady on the door. Oh. 

Finn padded barefoot towards the door. As he approached, he made out the faint outline of light on one side of the door, a door left ajar.

The door was definitely closed last night. They came back to Poe's room to eat their evening meals every night and to sleep curled around each other. Poe checked the door after Finn and when Poe took a shower, Finn checked it again. 

This time though, the door was clearly open, the green indicator light bright in the darkness like a star. Outside, he could hear the extra patrols General Organa ordered for the base. The crack of light told Finn the door didn't catch the lock all the way. Whoever it was left without taking the care to check the door shut completely behind him and was able to get around the added security. 

"Finn?" The bed creaked as Poe made to rise as well.

"Uh. Clear." Finn nudged the door with a light tap. The lock clicked loudly and the crack of light was gone. All Finn could see now was the red indicator light. He fumbled for the light's manual controls. He paused.

A small circle of light from a flashlight danced around the light controls.

"What is it?" Poe looked pallid under the cast of artificial light. He stood a step away from Finn, blaster trained on the door, flashlight on Finn.

Finn moved aside and motioned Poe to shine his light on the controls instead. The light drifted to the gaping hole and the wires sticking out.

"Someone tampered with them." Finn frowned. "I didn't hear anything."

"Neither did I," Poe said flatly. The spot of light wavered then steadied. "Think it's the same guy who tore up your room?"

Under the cloak of darkness, Finn made a face. Medbay had discharged Poe with orders to rest. Poe asked to speak with Major Kalonia and then General Organa, more worried about the possible security breach than what was done to him. It was a conversation Finn wasn't allowed in for and Poe kept quiet about afterwards. Finn went back to his quarters to wait for Poe and found chaos.

Everything that was bolted to the walls was ripped down. His clothing was shredded and smoldered in a burning pile of knots on the center of the room. Everything else was soaked. The culprit pissed on everything that was still intact. 

"Maybe," Finn muttered. He twisted around and under Poe's light, fixed the controls.

As soon as Poe's room filled with light, Finn steered straight for the crate under Poe's desk that held some of Poe's belongings. Heart hammering, Finn dropped to his knees.

"What's wrong? Finn?" Poe stood over Finn as he pulled the crate out.

 _Please let it still be there. Please._ Finn shoved his hands deep into the folds of the clothing Poe haphazardly tossed into the crate. He breathed a sigh of relief when his fingers felt the worn soft leather. He pulled out the jacket.

"Really?" Poe sounded bemused now instead of tensed. He crouched down, his shoulder knocking into Finn. 

Finn flushed. He didn't have to turn around to know what was on Poe's face.

"I like this jacket," Finn defended. It was fortunate he was already wearing it and wasn't in his quarters. "It suits me."

"It does." Poe murmured. He pressed his shoulder to Finn's and didn't pull away.

Finn curled his hands into the jacket. He was tempted to roll it up to keep it safe under his head and use it like a pillow.

"Guess it wasn't a bad dream after all," Finn muttered. He wished he didn’t say anything when Poe tensed up again.

"Whoever it was," Poe said darkly, "He's quiet. Was always quiet. Slipped in and out of my quarters without ever waking me." 

Finn swallowed. Poe was succinct about what happened to him. He was silent, glaring at the floor by the time he finished debriefing General Organa. She shot Finn a calculating look as she walked out of the medbay, nearly colliding with Finn rushing in. The general nodded curtly at Finn, her jaw set as she calmly requested her accompanying droid to ask for the security team to meet her in the control room. She asked Finn to stay with Poe, gave him a meaningful look and a tiny sad smile.

Finn knew it was bad even if Poe refused to share details. Finn was sort of grateful because the spare intel was horrible enough. Someone went in almost every night. For weeks and did things, made Poe do things, bad things and slipped out before Poe came to. While Finn spent the time tentatively orbiting Poe, wishing and yearning when he should have been protecting.

_Weeks._

Poe's eyes slid away. "Many times, by the time I thought someone was here with me, he was already—Kriff, sometimes he was already finished with me by the time I ever knew I was being used up."

Bile rose up Finn's throat. He wished he could offer the right words. 

"Kriff," Poe said suddenly.

Poe got up unsteadily to his feet. He stared at something on the floor by the bed.

Finn turned around and squinted at the round objects on the floor. 

"Wha—are those…flowers?" There were three spherical blossoms by their bed. Eyes drawn to them, Finn reached for one blossom. It was in the colors of a solar flare.

"Don't touch them." Poe vibrated next to Finn. He stared at the flowers, his face twisted with disgust. "This could be why we didn't wake up. They can get you as high as an X-wing or knock you out cold. Son of a bantha probably thought I was going to be alone in my room."

Finn glanced at the flowers and thought of the intruder standing over them with the floras. Oh.

"Are those the ones he—" Finn didn't finish. Poe uttered a sound and stomped on them. 

The flowers made a squishy sound under Poe's unlaced boot and trickles of something slick and syrupy splattered out. Finn thought he tasted something strangely familiar on his lower lip. Poe made another sound, a broken raw sound and he slammed his foot over them again and again.

"Poe…" Finn tried.

Poe growled as he stomped on them, smearing the strange slick all over. Poe had hastily wore boots over bare feet, left them unlaced so the loose boots skidded on the shattered flowers and Poe ended up on his ass.

Before Finn could check if Poe was all right, Poe snatched the pillow they shared off the bed. He slammed it over the mess. It was just a mash of petals and amber liquid by now. The eye-riveting beauty of the flowers was obliterated.

"Poe…" Finn tentatively touched Poe's bowed back. Poe hunched over the pool of flowers and sap, pillow over it as if to muffle its presence, his arms straight like metal bars.

"So…that's a yes then?" Finn murmured. When Poe's bloodshot eyes shot up to him, Finn grimaced weakly.

Poe's head dropped low to his chest. He started to laugh. Kind of.

"Hey." Finn slipped his arm completely around Poe's shoulders now. "Hey…"

Poe's laughter broke off. He sagged against Finn, his hands limp on the floor. He stared at the pillow left on the ground. He stayed hunched under Finn's arm. 

"Force," Poe exhaled. "I shouldn't have done that. Kalonia needed a sample to narrow down what's still swimming in my blood."

Finn squeezed Poe's shoulders. After Poe reluctantly told the healer what had happened to him, she immediately ran tests and examinations. She insisted on doing everything herself, much to Poe's relief and Finn's dismay because the protective healer wouldn't let anyone in the medbay and shuttered all the windows. She remained tightlipped about what she found and only agreed to release Poe under Finn's care after Poe pointed out Finn needed guarding. Both Kalonia and the general looked like they were tempted to move into Poe's quarters as well. Finn was touched. Poe was mortified.

"Maybe she still can," Finn suggested. When Poe pulled the pillow off, there were only a few tiny petals stuck to the floor. They stared at the shiny puddle.

Finn cleared his throat. "Or uh…give her the pillow? And your boots?"

Poe scoffed, but not unkindly. He threw Finn a humorless smile, but his eyes were no longer swirling with self-loathing.

"Finn," Poe murmured. He rounded back his shoulders but he didn't duck out from under Finn's arm. He rested his head under Finn's chin. 

Finn pulled Poe closer. He wrapped his other arm around Poe and dropped his chin on top of Poe's head. He stared at the smears of petals on the ground. It smelled sweet, burnt and overpowering even though they were smashed all over the floor. The perfume made Finn's eyes water, his limbs tensing at the almost pungent odor.

Heat from Poe's body seemed to seep into Finn's skin. Finn's arms tingled. He was suddenly very aware how good Poe felt against him and how smooth and strong Poe's throat was with that open neckl—Oh.

"Poe," Finn choked. "We need to get out of here."

Poe murmured. He burrowed closer.

"Finn," Poe exhaled. Abruptly, he jerked. "Kriff. Yeah, we need to—Finn, get up. Get up. Now."

But why, Finn wondered dreamily. There were waves of heat rippling through from Poe's hand to his arm. Just a tug and he could splay Poe out on the floor, yank those loose pants off and…and…

"Oh," Finn sputtered. He struggled to his feet, his limbs getting heavier and clumsier. "Some of it. Poe, I tasted some of it. It must have…"

When Finn turned to Poe, he saw Poe was fighting as well. Brown eyes wide, pupils overblown, Poe breathed raggedly, no longer pulling Finn to his feet, but holding on for dear life.

"Go…we need to…" Poe gasped. He was noticeably hard as well, his sleep pants straining in front, snapping tight over his full ass. He was shaking, his body pouring so much heat, his exposed skin flushed and gleamed with sweat.

The smell was everywhere each time Finn took a breath. In the back of his mind, he knew the sap glistening on the floor was affecting them. It was why they couldn't coordinate limbs, why they kept crashing into each other, groping and grinding. 

Poe was succumbing fast or maybe faster under the flowers' influence. There were lingering traces in his blood. Poe had alluded Kalonia warned he needed to avoid another dose. But Finn staggered, directionless, growing desperate with the need to escape and crush Poe to his growing erection.

"We…" Finn gasped. He fell against Poe and held on, pulling Poe back to the ground. He couldn't remember why they were running. It didn't matter. Everything he wanted was quivering against him, panting, chest heaving against his chest. Firm muscles under his touch, the dampness spreading over the bulge in Poe's pants. Finn's mouth watered. A taste. Just a taste…

With a sharp yank, Poe dragged Finn away from the stain and then he stopped, his face twisting, eyes glazing over and he pressed his overheated body to Finn.

"Finn…" Poe murmured against Finn's throat. "We shouldn't…we need to…uhn…Finn…"

Finn realized his face was sticky with not only sweat, but with the splatters from the flowers and every touch contaminated Poe further. Memory returned, lust momentarily lifted and he struggled to push Poe away. He couldn't.

"Poe…" Finn groaned. He found himself rutting against Poe's hip, grinding his aching erection into any part of Poe's body he can reached. Poe whimpered, grunting as he struggled to regain control.

"No…Finn…stop…we need to—" Poe, with a guttural groan that drew shivers down Finn's body, yanked Finn. Hard. Finn almost fell and he barely kept up as Poe manhandled Finn towards the refresher. Yes, the shower, he could bend Poe over and take him in the shower, his cock plowing into Poe's hole all slick and wet, lay claim an—no, no, he can't, no, n—yes, yes, he can. 

Poe felt so good against Finn as he crowded into the shower with him. Finn eagerly pawed Poe's pants, tugging it down, tearing Poe's underwear and freeing Poe's erection. Poe's cock glided up against Finn and Finn moaned as sparks flared on contact. Heat pooled in his groin and flooded his limbs with an energy that told him to press back, to grab, rock into the matching heat. 

Finn heard Poe whine, "Gods, yes" and then, "No, Finn, we can't. Not like thi—ah, ah, plea—No! Force! This is—Sorry about this, buddy."

With a sputter, ice rained down over Finn's head. Finn yelped, his hands flailing off his throbbing dick and Poe's. Finn slapped the air, trying to ward off the cold torture crashing down over and over his boiling skin, washing down his face, cooling his body and gradually his mind.

What he did, what they almost did, hit Finn like a punch. He stared at Poe in shock, barely discernable within the outpouring cold water that crashed over their heads. Finn sank to the shower floor, chest heaving. He let the shower continue pounding over his flushed face. When his teeth started to chatter, Finn realized his pants were gone and Poe's was a wet tangled mess around his ankles. And Poe was still painfully hard.

"Are you…are you back?" Poe panted. He stood over the spray, violently shaking, his lips almost blue. But he stayed under the shower, halfway to let water rain down on Finn as well.

Finn nodded and then shook his head. He couldn't tear his eyes away from Poe's cock, flushed and erect, an angry length bobbing weakly against Poe's abdomen. Poe was soaked through, his shirt practically transparent, the dark circles of his nipples showing through.

"Are you?" Finn stammered. He forced his eyes away as Poe tried without success to pull his wet pants back up. Force, he did that. And somehow, Poe did the same to him. His pants were nowhere to be found.

"Not really," Poe croaked. "Kalonia warned this…this could happ—kriff."

Poe broke off in a curse, his hands shaking too much to keep a hold on his pants. They plopped back down to his ankles. 

"Finn, get dried off and com…com security or m-medical…" Poe's teeth chattered too much to continue. When Finn rose to his feet, Poe sagged forward, his face to Finn's chest.

"What should I do?" Finn clutched Poe's shoulders but couldn't bring himself to push Poe away. "What I almost did…Again…Poe—"

"Get out," Poe bit out.

Finn's stomach lurched. "I-I…"

Poe moaned into Finn's chest. "Finn, just step out of the shower. I need to—"

"Need to what?" Finn whispered.

"Finn," Poe gritted out. "Finn…please…please…I n-need…"

Poe's wet hands captured Finn's. Before Finn could stop him, Poe guided them to his erection. At the touch, Poe's cock twitched.

Finn tried to snatch his hands back, but Poe hung on to his wrists with a strength bore from desperation. He rutted his cock through the gap their clasped hands made and oh, the sounds Poe made, the feel of his cock wet and velvety smooth slipping across his palm.

Poe abruptly shoved Finn away with a choked cry.

"Kriff!" Poe's eyes were wild as his hands flew up to ward off Finn. "Sorry, Gods, I—Finn, get out. I'll deal with it, I'll—" Poe squeezed his eyes shut, his hands gripping his own cock and started roughly pulling even though Finn was still stock frozen in front of him.

"Yea," Finn mumbled, dazed, his palms burning. "I uh…I'll go."

"Stay in here," Poe ordered shakily. "Out there, I don't know if…just stand outside the shower while I…just stay in here."

Finn numbly did as he was instructed. He leaned on the wall by the shower, bare ass cold pressed to the surface. He dared a look down at himself. His throat worked. He was hard, achingly so, throbbing while in the shower, Poe grunted and choked inside the shower as he…dealt with it.

A barely suppressed whimper though, drew Finn towards the shower. Poe stood, shivering uncontrollably from the shower, almost doubled over, a fist to his mouth, a hand furiously pumping his dick.

He looked beautiful, Finn couldn't stop from thinking. His eyes traced the curve of Poe's bowed back, tanned skin everywhere, his buttocks clenching as Poe bucked into his own fist.

Finn roused out of his daze when he saw red patches starting to spot the length. "Poe, stop, you're hurting yourself."

"I have to…" Poe's fist lowered from his mouth to join the hand curled around his own cock. Finn thought he saw blood on the knuckles.

A pained whimper escaped yet Poe continued to jerk off in punishing pulls. "Damn it."

"Poe, stop!" Finn jumped back into the shower, heedless of Poe's snapped, "No, stay out!" He grabbed Poe by the wrists, but Poe kept trying. Blood wept down his cock as pre-cum leaked, yet the cock still stayed purple with need.

"Finn, just go!" Poe hunched more over himself, trying to hide his frantic strokes. "I can't…I need to…Gods, Finn, just—"

Finn wrapped a hand over Poe's. 

"Finn!" Poe shoved a shoulder at Finn, but it barely nudged Finn. "Don't!"

"Don’t hurt yourself," Finn plead. "Let…let me—Poe, it's all right. I can do this."

Poe shook his head even as his body leaned towards Finn. He swore under his breath, slipping as he tried to stumble back.

"No. No…" Poe sounded panicked. His eyes flicked down to Finn's aroused state. "Finn, this isn't you. You said you tasted it. There's still—no, Finn, you don't want this."

"What I don't want," Finn rasped, "Is to watch you hurt yourself."

"Then don't look at me! I shouldn't have lost my temper out there with those damn flowers. I did this to us and got you…Finn, just go. _Please._ It's fin—"

Poe choked when Finn's other hand wrapped around his erection, his hand under Poe's bloodless grip. He coaxed Poe's hands off. Poe's hands fell limp to his sides.

Finn knew Poe was right. He could taste the overly sweetness lingering on his lips. But his mind was clearer. It didn't scream for him to do all those things to Poe anymore. There was still a need, but it thrummed under his skin like a soft vibration, like whenever he has his head lying on Poe's chest when he made Poe laugh. It was a faraway pleasant rumble as he stroked Poe gently, gliding damp palms down Poe's length.

"I want to do this," Finn assured Poe and those stark brown eyes. "I've always wanted to do this for you." He reached up and cupped Poe's jaw. The stubble was an interesting contrast to the smooth taut skin stretched over Poe's erection. 

"It's fine," Finn soothed as Poe's breathing hitched, an apology wrung out of his throat. "You're fine. I'm fine if you don't hate me after this."

"Never," Poe stuttered. His eyes slid closed. Poe tipped his head back to the shower wall. "Never."

Finn's hand smoothed down to settle flat along the length of Poe's strong throat. He traced Poe's jugular and listened to Poe's heart race as he quickened his strokes, keeping his hand loose around Poe's cock.

"Finn…" Poe whimpered.

"We'll be okay. It's fine. You're fine," Finn promised.

"No," Poe breathed. His eyes fluttered open, his lashes jeweled with water from the shower. He looked anguished. "No…I…tighter, Finn, p-please." His hips jerked helplessly into Finn's fist.

After a moment of hesitation, Finn curled his fist firmer around Poe's cock, still hard and leaking. Poe uttered a sound, needy and not as broken. Poe thrust weakly into Finn's fist.

"S-sorry," Poe muttered even as he fucked Finn's fist. Tears trickled down his face. "S-sorry…"

"Sh," Finn shushed, "We're fine. It's okay."

"I-I…"

"Poe, whatever you need," Finn whispered as he tugged up, pulling and kneading Poe's cock in steady upward strokes. His own breath rattled in his chest as Poe mewled, feverishly swaying into Finn's hand.

Finn's eyes burned at the sight of shame and need warring Poe's face. Poe was alternating from apologizing and begging. "Poe," Finn tried again. He resisted the urge to press close and line his cock with Poe's. "I'll do anything for you. Sh, it's okay."

Poe gasped, his body shuddering. He cried out, his cock violently twitching in Finn's hands. He cummed, his groan barely in time to warn Finn. Poe cummed with a full body tremble, ropes of fluid splurting out while Poe swore and sobbed angrily in ragged rough sounds.

Finn caught Poe as Poe collapsed against Finn. Poe shuddered, his hips rolling, his cock bumping into Finn's erection in a shy yet primal duel.

Poe jerked, muttered under his breath. He tried to move away, but Finn took a step in, crowding Poe into the corner.

"Finn, don't. I might…"

"Poe," Finn plead. He continued to milk Poe dry, his other hand slipping under Poe's sodden shirt to stroke his back. He rocked towards Poe's cock, letting their erections align.

The contact was too much, yet not enough. Finn shook once, his bones rattling as Poe's pelvis helplessly snapped forward, pressure flaring to the point Finn cried out in surprise because—Oh.

Poe retreated, or tried. There was nowhere left to go in the shower except back against Finn's body.

"No. Damn it. Finn, I'm sorry—"

Finn kissed the top of Poe's head. He shushed Poe as he continued to jerk Poe off. 

"I'm okay," Finn promised. " _We're_ okay. It's all right. I offered, remember?"

Poe shook his head, more and more as Finn tried to reassure him. 

Finn swayed towards Poe, their cocks bumping at the heads, his erection grind against his own fist curled around Poe's dick.

"This isn't the same," Finn whispered. "No one forced me. I'm here because I want to be here."

Poe shuddered, his head hung low. He mumbled something about the flowers. His hands brushed over Finn's in a weak attempt to push him away. With a broken sound, Poe then curled his hands around Finn's wrist. 

"It's not the same." Finn kissed Poe's brow. His fist glided up down. Hot velvet in his grip, pulsing with the beat that was uniquely Poe. His heart hurt at the thought someone took this without Poe's permission. "And I'll keep telling you this until the stars die out one by one. It'll be fine. We'll be fine. I love you. Anything for you, Poe. I love you."

"Finn…uhn…" Poe dropped his face into the crook of Finn's shoulder. Poe was still hard and it looked like it hurt. He grunted weakly, hips rolling into Finn's pulls, his cock twitching.

"Oh," Poe moaned as he cummed once more, just as intense as the first time. It looked like it drained Poe. All that flush skin bleached to white. Poe swayed, leaning more of his weight against Finn as his cock spilled all over Finn's fist and their bellies. Poe quivered, groaning weakly as he continued fucking Finn's fist. He curled fingers around Finn's biceps now, barely holding on.

With a hoarse cry that startled Finn, Poe cum in a final, violent burst. Finn groaned and followed, splattering with Poe with his cum and the thought of him covering Poe, claiming him drove him to surge forward. He rutted wildly into Poe, crushing their cocks between their bodies. He clutched Poe's arms as he piston towards Poe.

"Mine," Finn chanted. "Forever."

"Finn," Poe groaned. He blinked dazed at Finn. A beat later, his eyes rolled up. Poe sagged. Finn barely caught Poe when his knees buckled. 

They collapsed down to the shower floor, Poe limp in Finn's arms, the shower sputtering above them, their water allowance finally drained. 

Finn's shirt bunched uncomfortably against the scar on his back. Poe was heavy over his legs folded awkwardly underneath him. Finn felt his own erection deflating, spent after spilling over their bodies. Whatever spell the flowers cast was completely gone. Finn breathed out. 

Poe barely stirred when Finn began to move. He protested feebly as Finn guided him down to the refresher floor. Finn wasn't risking bringing Poe back out there. He held his breath, staggered out and pulled out dry clothing. He gave the drying puddle of ooze a scowl before he raced back into the refresher and shut the door behind him as a barrier. His chest burned as he exhaled in a loud whoosh.

By now, Poe roused enough to stare up at Finn as if seeing Finn that very first time: pain-filled eyes widen in disbelief. Back then, Poe stared at Finn, unable to comprehend Finn was getting him off the Finalizer. Finn hated Poe was looking at him the same way now.

"Clothes," Finn said in a rush as he exhaled and took a big gulp of fresh ai—actually, not exactly fresh. The refresher reeked of sex. And Poe knew it. He didn't look at Finn as he changed. He didn't bother turning away, pulling up pants with a sharp tug that had to hurt.

"Poe—" Finn started, but Poe shook his head.

"Don't," Poe said dully. He smiled faintly at Finn. "Not how I hoped we will…" Poe coughed. He fumbled out of his shirt. He mumbled his thanks when Finn wordlessly handed him the dry one.

Finn wished Poe would look at him or at least look like he believed Finn when Finn had said they would be okay. He stared at the back of Poe's neck as Poe struggled into the top Finn grabbed in a hurry. As Poe shrugged into the tunic, his head popping free through the neckline, Finn drew closer.

"Poe…"

"Finn," Poe interrupted, his voice heavy. "Please, I need—"

Finn dropped his hands on Poe's shoulders. He ignored how Poe stiffened as he turned Poe around.

"Poe," Finn tried again. He brushed his hand along Poe's bare collarbones. Poe shuddered.

"Finn," Poe started, pained.

Finn gripped Poe's shoulders tighter until Poe looked up, red-rimmed but curious.

"Poe," Finn said. The words were lodged in his throat. Odd, when they were so easy before.

"I-I…" Finn took a steadying breath and tried again. 

"I love you."

Poe stared at Finn in shock. His mouth dropped open, but no words came out.

"You…uh…" Finn smiled, unsure. "You don't need to say it back. I just wanted to say it again, out here, with both of us clearheaded."

Finn roughly pulled Poe to him. 

"I love you and we'll find him and we'll make him pay," Finn vowed. He hugged Poe harder to him. "And then I'm going to tell you I love you again."

Poe breathed harshly, ragged as if he came off a battle. He said nothing. He just held on.

_"…I love the taste of you…"_

A mouth covered his dick and drank everything Poe didn't want to give. There was one night, when Poe was rolled on his knees, bent too forward until his knees jammed painfully against his own throat. Poe remembered wheezing to 'Finn' to stop, to wait. He wailed as a tongue wormed into his puffy hole and he bucked, wanting yet not wanting. A finger caught the back of the chain always around his neck.

As Poe gasped for air, fearing struggling would break the chain, 'Finn' ate him out, ruthlessly pumped him, drowned him in the overly sweet scent until Poe began rocking back on that tongue, sobbing and begging for more. 'Finn' praised him over and over as he crushed a flower over Poe's gaping mouth.

 _"…I love you…"_ 'Finn', not-'Finn' whispered then. A hand fingered the chain around Poe's neck before moving around to continue fucking Poe with his thick fingers.

"Just one more," a voice said, apologetically, gentle fingers tapping his left wrist, pulling Poe out of his nightm—no, memory. Gods, it ached and hurt too much to be a dream. When was this? How? 

"Your arm," the voice prodded. Kalonia sharpened into view. She canted her graying head at Poe. "I need to do this now otherwise I would give you a minute."

Poe obediently offered his arm to Kalonia. He barely felt the needle sliding into his arm, blood pulled for one more test.

Finn was outside, barred from entering. Poe could see Finn, past Kalonia, pacing, one hand clamped over his elbow where they drew blood from him as well. 

"That should do it." Kalonia sat back and considered Poe, her gray brow knitted. 

"Was there any tearing?" Kalonia asked bluntly, but her eyes were kind.

Poe shook his head numbly. "We didn't…no, no tearing." His dick felt sore though, the skin rubbed tender at some spots, but nothing the healer needed to know. The mild discomfort felt like the least he deserved.

"You were wincing." Kalonia pointed out, her voice gentling and it felt worse. Poe felt himself shrivel further from the open concern.

Reluctantly, Poe gestured to his lap.

"I did it," Poe mumbled, "Not Finn. He stopped me."

"Good," Kalonia said, blunt again. "I wasn't looking forward to applying bacta on your genitals, Poe."

Poe started, a chuckle bursting free that surprised him. 

Kalonia, on the other hand, looked smug.

"Better," Kalonia said. She patted Poe's right knee. "All kidding aside, do I need to take a look?"

Poe smiled weakly. "Not without buying me dinner first." His joke fell weak, but Kalonia chuckled all the same.

"Better," Kalonia repeated. She gathered the blood samples and gestured to the canister that held the contaminated pillow and the sole cut out of Poe's left boot. "We'll have a better idea what's in your bloodstream soon."

"You still see traces of it?" Poe studied his arm. Aside from the tiny strip over the needle mark, his arm looked the same if not paler. Yavin's intense suns left him with a dusky shade all over his body. His father once jokingly complained Poe was like a miniature Yavian sun with his boundless energy and only stopping when the actual sun disappeared from the sky.

A sharp pang of longing slammed into Poe. Back when times were simpler, when he was just a hotshot pilot for the Resistance, when sex was pure and joyful and when pining for Finn still promised a future. But now…

Poe closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them, he found himself under Kalonia's thoughtful gaze.

"It's not a lot," Kalonia said finally. "But it seems to have all the properties of spice. It seems to affect memory, impair judgement, and could result in cumulative damage."

"Addictive?" Poe asked sharply. His eyes zipped to Finn pacing outside. 

As if aware of Poe's scrutiny, Finn halted. He faced the window that stood between him and the medbay. Finn set his palms on the pane. He stared at Poe. 

Kalonia didn't turn around but knew where Poe's eyes were.

"There's very faint traces, almost non-existent." Kalonia frowned to herself. "Actually, more than I would have expected having only been exposed this one time." She pursed her lips. "The only way I think that explains it is that he may have been exposed to this before."

"What?" Poe shot out of the medical bed, but he dropped back down at Kalonia's eyebrow.

"Trace amounts," Kalonia repeated. "Could be accidental. Most likely weeks ago. If this substance was addictive, he would be feeling some withdrawal symptoms by now."

Poe sagged. He inwardly winced when he caught sight of Finn's face. Finn must have saw Poe jump up. Now Finn appeared to be debating breaking the window. He gestured to Finn he was okay. It didn't seem to work.

"We'll know more soon," Kalonia promised. "In the meantime, Leia asked me to put you and Finn in her personal quarters while she's offplanet until we can secure another room. Her room has added security protocols."

Poe frowned. "Offplanet? Again?" He tensed. "Did our recruits have more intel?" His stomach churned. He should be out there, helping, not cowering in Leia's room.

"No, Leia said she has a hunch she wanted to check for herself. Also, Luke commed they'll be back in a week instead of two."

Panic flared. Poe wanted to throw up. "They shouldn't stop their mission because of—how many know what I did?"

"What you did?" Kalonia's frown deepened. "Why do you think it's something you—"

Poe waved the healer off. "I meant what someone did to me." Kalonia's frown didn't go away. 

"How many people?" Poe hated how his voice cracked, but at least it drew Kalonia away from what he said.

"Only me, Leia and Finn," Kalonia promised. "Luke and Rey finished early. No one told them anything, not even Leia." She sat down on the bed opposite Poe. "You asked that no one else was to know and I respect that. It's your choice who you want to tell."

"My choice?" Poe laughed bitterly. "If it really was my choice, not even Finn would know."

A sound beyond Kalonia stopped Poe short. His head shot up and found Finn standing a few beds away, his expression distraught, his eyes on Poe.

"I…" Finn rubbed the back of his neck. "Caught Bal and another mech passing by in the hallway. Asked them to override the locks to let me in. Sorry."

"Hm," Kalonia said. She shot Poe a look. "He can stay if you want." _Your choice_ her eyes said.

Too late, too late, Poe wanted to shout at the healer. Instead, he nodded and tracked Finn as he traded places with the healer. 

They stared at each other as Kalonia left. With her gone, the medbay was empty save him and Finn.

"I would have wanted to know," Finn said quietly. 

Poe shook his head.

"It wouldn't have changed anything," Finn said. He sounded so sure.

"You know enough," Poe muttered. He stared at Finn's feet. Someone must have brought Finn some boots. 

"Do I?" Finn challenged.

Poe's jaw set.

Finn shifted forward until his knees touched Poe's. "Anything you tell me wouldn't change how I feel." 

Poe's stomach knotted. He could hear himself begging, his asshole stinging as fingers breached him. They tore him and still he begged.

"Even when you really thought it was me, I would have wanted to know," Finn insisted.

"Right," Poe snapped. "I should have just spilled how much I liked you sneaking into my room, folding me up and fuck me with your fingers until it stopped hurting and I started begging for more!"

Finn reeled back. "I—"

"Or," Poe felt the words spill out acrid like bad wine, bile on his tongue. "Maybe I should have shared how much I _didn't_ fight you and just lay there and let you suck me off until my dick bled."

Finn shook his head. "The flowers—"

"I heard you in my head!" Poe screamed. Behind him, a vitals display chirped in alarm. "I heard you and I didn't stop you! What does that make me?"

Finn looked aghast. "You? He made you think—"

Gods, it was like someone reached down Poe's throat and yanked out the sickness churning in his gut. The more he talked, the more his throat clenched to stop him, yet he couldn't stop talking. Another thing he has no power over.

"I thought I heard you," Poe gasped. Behind him, another monitor wailed. "I heard you like I heard him." _Where's the map? Tell me. You will tell me._ "I didn't stop you. Like how I didn't stop him. I let you take anything you want from me. Anything. I just laid there and—"

Finn abruptly pulled Poe by the shoulders. Poe fell out of the bed, tumbling into Finn's arms. His tirade stuttered to silence.

"You didn't let any of this happen to you," Finn said fiercely into Poe's ear. He hugged Poe to him, arms wrapped around Poe's head and shoulders. His heart thumped steadily against Poe and revealed no lie.

"None of this was your fault," Finn went on. He swayed, rocking them like he was trying to rock Poe back to sleep, soothing him from this endless nightmare.

"None of this was your fault." Finn shushed Poe when Poe tried to speak. "No one can convince me otherwise. Not even you, Poe Dameron."

Poe's eyes burned. "I thought it was you."

Finn kissed Poe's temple. "And if it really was me, it still wouldn't have been your fault. It would have been mine."

Poe struggled to pull away, but he gave up and sank back into the haven Finn's arms offered. 

"Poe," Finn murmured, still rocking them both. He clung to Poe like Poe was a lifeline. "Poe, I love you. Do you hear me? I love you."

A lump grew in the back of Poe's throat. His eyes blurred, his ears buzzing as Finn repeated it over and over as if repetition would make it true.

"I love you," Finn chanted.

Poe pressed his eyes into Finn's shoulder. He bit his lower lip, let himself sway into the kindness of Finn's lie.

"You shouldn't," Poe whispered to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: this chapter was originally slated to be three parts to properly deal with the glaring consent issue.
> 
> I know I write rapey fics, but I always tried to make it clear it was bad guys doing bad things to our Poe. But it's a tad different and I had planned to explore the f-ed up mindset this whole experience done to Poe.
> 
> But the fic has gone long enough (I know I know, sorry) so consent issues sort have gotten sped up and touched upon hastily.
> 
> Please be aware: I do not condone sex without clear consent from both parties. Anything else I see as rape. For the sake of this fic, I tried to steer Finn to less dubious grounds. But I know this chapter resolved the issue really quickly.
> 
> That said, this fic is almost done. And yes, I _did_ forget about factoring in Poe's necklace until now. Oops.
> 
> (headdesk)


	18. Note: NOT on hiatus: Sept 5 (long story, not worth boring you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next time I update it will be the rest of this story. My laptop isn't back yet.

I haven't given up on this story. I'm learning a lot through this fic. That being said, it was ridiculous for you guys to wait every week for this.

So the next chapter/update you'll see from me will be the rest of the fic.

Thank you all for putting up with the wait.

Hugs to all. Stay safe.

Update: 8/26 Waiting on Dell. Dell is evil. I want my laptop. I'm changing update dates as they tell me more bullshit about my computer. I could give you whole sob story, but nah. Long story short: my laptop went !!! with a good chunk of my diss, my fics and stuff. Luckily, I write my research first on pen and paper so I can reconstruct it. Unfortunately, I wrote fic into my laptop, which is not here. Sorry. Sorry! Bear with me! Please! Did I mention Dell sucks? :( 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a horrible person. Just ask my cats and parrot. LOL.


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